"It is the function of art to renew our perception. What we are familiar with we cease to see. The writer shakes up the familiar scene, and, as if by magic, we see a new meaning in it."
So...the last several months I have spent much time alone...mostly out of choice. But, also from circumstance. Not sure if it is a good thing or bad, but it is what it is. However, in the last several weeks I have made some attempt to get myself out of hibernation. I just feel like I'm still cooking from my 5 month trip and there are things that I feel I still need to sit with...and if I were to hurry and distract myself...something would be missing...So...there has been alot of sitting...and being. And, I'll admit it has made me very uncomfortable at times. Because so much of our culture is about doing...for the sake of doing. Its almost like I'm getting in touch with a truer side of myself so when I start doing...I will be more conscious next go around...and not just doing for the sake of doing. A dear friend I met in India really had a beautiful way of explaining the concept of being...sitting back, connecting within first before acting, and sometimes the most important part of the process is not doing anything at all. Does that make sense? I dunno.
When I look back, I'll admit I have been very goal oriented. Look, I'm not saying its bad to have goals...its a good thing. But, where I went wrong is I thought every goal I achieved would bring some sort of peace, solace...happiness...and well...I have found that isn't always the case. Sounds like a bad case of attachment to results to me. Ha!
Recently, I was looking over some old photos of when I was a cheerleader at OSU...and I'm looking at this girl like wow...how did I have the energy? I mean...I was on the quest for perfection. My makeup was always perfect...I was a size 0 (and I still thought I was fat!! ugh!)...I wanted to be the best, almost at any cost...but sad thing about looking back...I don't think I nearly enjoyed all those moments as much as I should have, because I was always looking forward, not relishing what was right in front of me...its not like I'm stuck in the past with regret...but its interesting just to learn from it...and how painful it can still feel at times...I don't even know who that girl is anymore, but I have compassion for her, and she was only doing the best she could with what she knew.
How funny too! I'll never forget my first workshop with Tim Miller...he had us experimenting with several postures...and he looks at me and simply says...in his way..."goal-oriented"...I mean, I could've gotten pissed that he called me out...but...honestly I was like...shit!! He's got me figured out...there's no way of hiding it. Every time I spend time with him he always says something to me that's dead on...its almost spooky. I guess that's what happens when you reach a certain point of awareness as a teacher and student of yoga. Its amazing.
So...I'm trying this new way of being on for size. Now I know why I have felt such a connection to my practice. Its one of the few places where I can just be...without any expectations...its one of the few places I truly feel grace...but the challenge and the true purpose...is to allow that grace to filter into everyday life...I'm slowly learning...