Passive Aggressive

25.3.13



Moment of inner freedom when the mind is opened and the infinite universe revealed and the soul is left to wander dazed and confus’d searching here and there for teachers and friends.   
- Jim Morrison 


I've lived in Sweden for over 3 years now. Time has flown by, as I always say. It's kinda frightening just how fast. During the cold, dark winters, I still ask myself, how in the hell did I end up here? Oh yeah, I remember now, hahaha. It's not all that bad. I just like to exaggerate on the weather just like any native Swede would. Hence, constantly complaining, talking about, comparing it to, hemming and hawing, blah, blah, blah. I guess it would get old after while. Now, the newness of the winters are steadily beginning to wear off, and wear off fast. And somehow, once entering March the temps have dropped even further, but hopefully not my resolve. 

However, this isn't why I write today, because quite honestly there is something I need to get off my chest, and usually when it comes to this point it has been eating at me for sometime already. I like to ride things out and see where the chips may fall and with limited platforms or people to express this too here I have no other option but to blog about it. Those who have been following me for a while know that I don't have a problem talking about dark periods in my life, and believe me, there will be more to disclose. I don't believe for one minute that being in the world of yoga means hiding behind a manufactured face of bliss. When we get down and dirty, meeting our edge it isn't always pretty, but by God, it will be liberating! And quite frankly, as of late, I tire of the coldness of Sweden. Oh no, not the temperature, this is not what I speak of today, it is the famous Swedish jealousy and passive aggressive nature that is so prevalent in this country. In spite of my experience with this, I'm not here to rattle on and downgrade a place that I have grown to love and appreciate. Sweden in many ways is an amazing country and one I feel blessed to experience. But what I have learned through my travels is every place has a light and a shadow side and Sweden is no different. 

Often it has been confusing. I have been with those who I thought were my friends to then get the sense they were anything but, hoping for my dimise. In many ways, it has made me sad, for a minute, and to really look at it forces me to reach higher and rise above. What I have found is the more push back I get, or passive aggressive treatment I receive, I use it as fuel to further look inside and find a better way within myself to be and to live. Having an acquaintance be unable to handle it if I am at the center of conversation within a circle of people, to then speak in Swedish loudly next to me, starting another conversation to make themself feel more powerful and in control, is something I have experienced on a number of occasions. It's shocking but funny at the same time. I guess it takes more energy to be that way. 

I've been in working situations where it took someone literally 6 months to acknowledge my presence even in the mist of looking them in the eye and saying hello. Again, it must be hard to be that way. So closed off and unwilling to give someone on the outside a chance. The thing is, being on the outside is nothing new for me and to live with this has in many ways been a blessing in disguise. When I receive the brunt end of this type of treatment it only makes me stronger, as I lean on those who I know in my heart have my back. Once you know who is really willing to go to bat for you, it's relationship to cherish. 

This has also been a practice in not allowing myself to shut down and close off. Though it hurts at times, and my heart has ached, at the very least I know, I can feel and be vulnerable to it. Though often I have been angry. However, I have no problem with letting the anger ride out. At least there is blood pulsing through my veins and being true to the emotion that arises means I don't have to be attached to it for long. Though there have been lies spoken and undercutting remarks and unkind behavior done on my behalf, I choose not engage in it even though humanly speaking it does cross my mind. I'm not here to bitch about it. I'm here to transform it. This is what I have realized. 

My boyfriend has spoken openly about this to me, which he calls, "Swedish jealously." Friends of his have been frank about it as well. Of course this is not limited to just Sweden. I'm not that blind. One can find this type of treatment anywhere. Often when willing to step out, make a difference, or to simply live your passion in truth, there will be those who will have issue with it instead of using it as inspiration. 

So to those who would not like to see me succeed, or have made my stay here more challenging and isolating, I thank you. I thank you will all my heart. You have strengthened my resolve to continue on my path, exploring my potential, and expanding into the new projects I have set in motion. I'm even more inspired to find the love and to be who I am. If it wasn't for you, I might not have quickened so readily inside myself. And, with that being said, I am even more revitalized and motivated to establish a community in Stockholm through the love and passion of yoga that will sing the praises of what this journey is all about. Yeah. I'm not going anywhere.

Once again,

THANK YOU.

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