Loneliness, Grief & Fear


Unexpectedly...after feeling pretty darn good...I feel as if I'd been hit by a ton of bricks. After rounding out the 2nd day of Tim Miller's workshop I felt sad...and I had no idea why. Even though I have a regular practice...there is something that happens when moving and breathing in a room stuffed with a little over 50 people. Something shifted...something got kicked up.
I've had this little nagging knot in my lower back/left side for a couple months and it was released after our primary series practice...which felt good...but the emotions that were tied to it really hit hard. I had this overwhelming sense of loneliness that took a hold of me...a heaviness. I went home not really willing to go there...but knowing full well something weighed heavily on my heart. Next morning, again I felt heaviness and sadness but I kept it in check. But, after today's session I could barely make to my car before having a total breakdown. What the hell? Where is this coming from? What's wrong? Again, I just felt...so alone, and scared. I could barely breathe. Wow, stuff can really get stuck in the body. Stuff I wasn't even aware was there. So...I had a really good cry...and I let all that sadness run through me...I allowed it to release...I surrendered to it...without judging it. I mean...I went into the ugly cry...hiccuping all over the place...it wasn't pretty. But, it couldn't be ignored any longer.
I reached out to some of my friends and they really helped me...assuring me that these feelings are a good place to be...because sometimes there is pain in the growth process...there is no turning back is there. Nope! Definitely not. Once you go into these places within yourself and you experience truth...old ways of being...our false identifications have a funny way of falling away. But, it can be hard to let go too. It may be simple...but it certainly isn't easy. So...I am still trying to figure it all out...unfolding to the process. However, I am realizing that I am not alone. And, I thank God for my friends...who allow me to be who I am and love me anyway. I am amazed by them. I learn so much from them...and my heart feels so full when I think about how much they have enhanced my life. Grace happens. It surely does. Peace.

No Drama


My blog posts have mostly been reflective because...Quite frankly, there has been no drama. Nada...Nothing...I mean, its been nice. I can see how we can get caught up...Or even addicted to the constant "reactions" that take place in our minds. I haven't felt this type of peace in a long time. Come to think of it...I am not sure if I ever have. Even my childhood was filled with an abundance of ups and downs...and my teen years and 20s...Let's not even go there!!!
Its so funny how in just a few weeks I'll be traveling to India for the very first time, but It hasn't been consuming my mind, because I have been really enjoying life...My simple life, right now. Sounds so exciting right! Most nights I am at home reading, playing with my kittens, or just sitting around...Maybe cleaning. Who knows...Maybe its the calm before the storm...Or the calm before the calm, before...I guess its pointless to forecast...Because right now is all we have. Gosh! I never really got it before...and finally its making sense. At least enough sense that I can grasp at the moment...but wow...I'm in awe with it all. I probably sound so hokey, but when you come out of some of the inner turmoil I was living for so long...Its like I'm taking a breath for the first time, and I can't get enough of it!
The World is really what we make it. Just be. Be the love, the peace, the joy...and it will surround you like a moth to a flame. Its true.

Je Ne Sais Quoi


Je Ne Sais Quoi...I absolutely love the essence of this saying...Heck, I love saying it. You know it when you see it. The way someone holds themselves...The way they move, laugh, talk...Many times we think its the clothes that they wear...But its not. It is literally someone who knows themselves and knows how to work what they got. I love that. I love it when I see it in someone. It inspires me to move forward and work what I got too. Its funny...Because you can't get there by copying someone else either. Believe me I have tried...In my earlier years...It doesn't work...Never does. When we tap into our own desires, when we do good things for our body, mind and soul...Of course yoga is excellent for that...We too can reach a state of Je Ne Sais Quoi. Oh, and it is so beautiful...When we start living our life by our own standards and no one else's.
Especially after just turning 30 I have had to re-access...Why am I doing this?...Why am I in this relationship? So many things have gotten stuck in my head somehow because of conditioned thinking of how things should go in life. I mean who knows where it comes from exactly...parents, television, magazines, friends, relatives, teachers? Who knows. Finally, I have had a chance to ask...What do I want out of life? Its no wonder why I had became so exhausted by my 30th birthday...So depleted. Because, I wasn't living my dream...It was someone else's dream. So after many pieces being blown apart...I have slowly started to put them together. But, I am still choosing to leave some of those pieces unknown...Because those are for the universe to decide. Which is nice. For the first time in a long time...I feel good in my own skin. This is a big step for me. Peace.

Release Control


Finally I am ready to release control...for so many reasons. I am tired of having everything figured out. Its fun...being in that space of not knowing what is going to happen next. It does sound scary at times...but being in this open space has been so freeing. Having that trust in the universe taking care of the details always brings about the best scenario for growth and learning...even expansion.
I have also learned that this way of being does not mean being passive in life...what really matters is what we bring our focus on...and some how...some way life works out for the best...
Who knows...it's worth a try...doing this not having to be in control thing. So far it has bode well. It feels pretty good. When I 'release' I feel it is easier to connect to my higher wisdom...my higher self...and quite frankly this is a good place to be. Peace.

One Love


Lately my brain has been so active. I have been inundated with creative energy but I haven't been able to turn it off. I have been busy preparing and completing several projects for Balanced Yoga and since adding teaching Mysore to my schedule it has been a lot to get used to energetically. I am just trying to find balance...making sure I continue to plug in...take rest. But, I have to say it has been a rewarding tired...a good tired. It feels good because there is a sense of freedom that comes with it. I feel expansive...not contracted. Meditation group tonight was amazing as usual...more is beginning to shift in me...and all I can say is its exciting.
I know I sneaked in a previous post that I think I'm in love...It really isn't all that serious. The most important thing to me right now is to continue on this path I am going on...and we'll see what happens...but it will not be done on my part alone...Not this time. I am finally coming to terms that I deserving of love...of the purest kind. But, it has to start within me...I have to be happy with me first, it comes from inside...not from the outside.

No Turning Back


Bought my plane ticket to India! Going to Mysore. Wow, its really coming together. It hasn't sinked in that I will be on the other side of the world in less than a month. Gotta lot to do before then...but, I'm excited...I am excited to go on this adventure on my own. Its a big step for me.
I found out that Sharath will be primarily teaching at AYRI while Guruji is taking rest. So the shala will be open as of May 3rd. If anything...if I get only one chance to tell Guruji "thank you..." I will be eternally grateful. The practice...has forever changed my life and to say "thank you" would feel as if I have come full circle...Because early on when I started practicing Ashtanga Yoga I just knew I would make it to India someday...which I am sure many students feel that way.
So...3 months in India...I have never traveled some where and stayed for that long...besides going to college of course. It will be the perfect amount of time to settle in...get into a rhythm. I'm ready. I am finally ready to go forth and be happy, be free.

Answering the Call


It is amazing when we follow our hearts...our calling, how things just seem to fall into place...how everything just seems to workout. After leaving the corporate world...maybe forever...there was a sense of trepidation and fear...because the security of having to rely on a steady paycheck was no longer going to be there. Surrender, Trust, Gratitude...Surrender control...Trust and know everything will work out for the best...Have gratitude for the process...for without that...how do we learn?...how do we evolve and grow?
This month I will be organizing and getting ready for my first trip to Mysore, India. Even though Sri K. Pattabhi Jois is sick right now...I still want to go through with the trip...I feel I have no other choice. I must go...I have to go...this pull to go there is beyond me...even though I am a little scared to travel that far by myself...Oh well...The excitement far outweighs the fear.


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