Loneliness, Grief & Fear

16.4.07

Unexpectedly...after feeling pretty darn good...I feel as if I'd been hit by a ton of bricks. After rounding out the 2nd day of Tim Miller's workshop I felt sad...and I had no idea why. Even though I have a regular practice...there is something that happens when moving and breathing in a room stuffed with a little over 50 people. Something shifted...something got kicked up.
I've had this little nagging knot in my lower back/left side for a couple months and it was released after our primary series practice...which felt good...but the emotions that were tied to it really hit hard. I had this overwhelming sense of loneliness that took a hold of me...a heaviness. I went home not really willing to go there...but knowing full well something weighed heavily on my heart. Next morning, again I felt heaviness and sadness but I kept it in check. But, after today's session I could barely make to my car before having a total breakdown. What the hell? Where is this coming from? What's wrong? Again, I just felt...so alone, and scared. I could barely breathe. Wow, stuff can really get stuck in the body. Stuff I wasn't even aware was there. So...I had a really good cry...and I let all that sadness run through me...I allowed it to release...I surrendered to it...without judging it. I mean...I went into the ugly cry...hiccuping all over the place...it wasn't pretty. But, it couldn't be ignored any longer.
I reached out to some of my friends and they really helped me...assuring me that these feelings are a good place to be...because sometimes there is pain in the growth process...there is no turning back is there. Nope! Definitely not. Once you go into these places within yourself and you experience truth...old ways of being...our false identifications have a funny way of falling away. But, it can be hard to let go too. It may be simple...but it certainly isn't easy. So...I am still trying to figure it all out...unfolding to the process. However, I am realizing that I am not alone. And, I thank God for my friends...who allow me to be who I am and love me anyway. I am amazed by them. I learn so much from them...and my heart feels so full when I think about how much they have enhanced my life. Grace happens. It surely does. Peace.

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