Unexpectedly...after feeling pretty darn good...I feel as if I'd been hit by a ton of bricks. After rounding out the 2nd day of Tim Miller's workshop I felt sad...and I had no idea why. Even though I have a regular practice...there is something that happens when moving and breathing in a room stuffed with a little over 50 people. Something shifted...something got kicked up.
I've had this little nagging knot in my lower back/left side for a couple months and it was released after our primary series practice...which felt good...but the emotions that were tied to it really hit hard. I had this overwhelming sense of loneliness that took a hold of me...a heaviness. I went home not really willing to go there...but knowing full well something weighed heavily on my heart. Next morning, again I felt heaviness and sadness but I kept it in check. But, after today's session I could barely make to my car before having a total breakdown. What the hell? Where is this coming from? What's wrong? Again, I just felt...so alone, and scared. I could barely breathe. Wow, stuff can really get stuck in the body. Stuff I wasn't even aware was there. So...I had a really good cry...and I let all that sadness run through me...I allowed it to release...I surrendered to it...without judging it. I mean...I went into the ugly cry...hiccuping all over the place...it wasn't pretty. But, it couldn't be ignored any longer.
I reached out to some of my friends and they really helped me...assuring me that these feelings are a good place to be...because sometimes there is pain in the growth process...there is no turning back is there. Nope! Definitely not. Once you go into these places within yourself and you experience truth...old ways of being...our false identifications have a funny way of falling away. But, it can be hard to let go too. It may be simple...but it certainly isn't easy. So...I am still trying to figure it all out...unfolding to the process. However, I am realizing that I am not alone. And, I thank God for my friends...who allow me to be who I am and love me anyway. I am amazed by them. I learn so much from them...and my heart feels so full when I think about how much they have enhanced my life. Grace happens. It surely does. Peace.
Love Laughter Inspiration Simplicity
R. Sharath Jois
"You should not be practicing to have a 'good' practice, but instead to keep steadiness within yourself. Practice happily regardless of whether it is 'good' or not. Sometimes some postures will not be possible, but when you accept the good and the bad and everything becomes equal for you, that is yoga."
- R. Sharath Jois
Burnt To Ash
"All Inquiry is meant for one purpose; to take you experientially into the unknown as efficiently as possible. Once you get there, simply be still because inquiry has delivered you to its destination. The rest is up to Grace. Do not hold onto any knowledge that comes your way. Even the greatest revelations much not be clung to, or you will end up with a head full of memories and a heart empty of substance. The truth is ever new, existing only in the now. The highest truth is beyond knowledge and experience. It is beyond time and space, and beyond beingness, consciousness, and oneness. Just remember that all direct path techniques are meant simply to undermine, to cut away, the one who is performing them. No matter what spiritual path you've walked or what teachings you've followed, they must lead you back to no path and no teaching. A true teaching is like a blazing fire that consumes the itself. The teaching must not only consume you, but consume itself as well. All must be burned to ash, and then the ash must be burned. The, and only then, is the Ultimate realized. True Enlightenment destroys enlightenment. As long as you can refer back to yourself and say, 'I'm enlightened', you not. Enlightenment is authentic only when there is no one left to be enlightened. Even to say 'I am nobody', is one too many. There's a point when you intuitively realize that to be Free you have to give up your attachment to Freedom. You have to quit asking yourself: Is it still there? Am I okay? You have to decide to never look over your shoulder again to see if you're free or if others know you're free. You just have to let yourself burn there - no matter what. This isn't something I can help you with. I can tell you what you need to do, but you have to do it. In the beginning, teachers can help a lot. But the deeper you go, all they can do is point, and clarify, and tell you what you need to do. Only you can take this step. Nobody can push you in to this place."
- Adyashanti
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"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could."
- Louise Erdrich
Hamsa
No Expectations
A spirit that lives in this world
and does not wear the shirt of love,
such an existence is a deep disgrace.
Be foolishly in love,
because love is all there is.
There is no way into presence
except through a love exchange.
If someone asks, But what is love?
answer, Dissolving the will.
True freedom comes to those
who have escaped the questions
of freewill and fate.
Love is an emperor.
The two worlds play across him.
He barely notices their tumbling game.
Love and lover live in eternity.
Other desires are substitutes
for that way of being.
How long do you lay embracing a corpse?
Love rather the soul, which cannot be held.
Anything born in spring dies in the fall,
but love is not seasonal.
With wine pressed from grapes,
expect a hangover.
But this love path has no expectations.
You are uneasy riding the body?
Dismount. Travel lighter.
Wings will be given.
Be clear like a mirror
reflecting nothing.
Be clean of pictures and the worry
that comes with images.
Gaze into what is not ashamed
or afraid of any truth.
Contain all human faces in your own
without any judgement of them.
Be pure emptiness.
What is inside that? you ask.
Silence is all I can say.
Lovers have some secrets
that they keep.
(Rumi)
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2 Insightful Comments:
Grace - on Sunday, I suddenly thought I recognized you as one of the bloggers I'd read, but wasn't sure; I regret now I didn't ask! I was behind you, about three mats over.
I'm sorry about your experience on Saturday; it reminds me a little of what the dark haired woman talked about in class. I've been thinking about that and will get around to writing about it.
In any event, hope to meet you next time.
Tim
I hope to meet you too at some point! I guess it is good to acknowledge that these feelings are all part of the process. Thank you!
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