Change

20.10.09



When I die I will soar with angels & when I die to the angels, what I shall become you cannot imagine.

(Rumi)

Upcoming changes are on the horizon. It's been a low laying last few months. I've had the opportunity to renew, retouch, rediscover, and reclaim places within myself. Important places of knowing, trusting and releasing.

Ha. I'm being pretty vague.

No matter. The past several months have been invaluable. I mean, sometimes you have to stop. Simply stop. Stop doing. Stop. Listen. Understand. Get in touch with what's wanting to emerge. When I flit about, and distract myself, I find that I've only run in circles.

You have to jump. Make a big 'ol leap of faith. As sentimental as it sounds, it's true. Jump off the merry go 'round, everyone seems so fond of riding. Those unknown places have forced me to trust what will be, will be, and the quest for seeking control is forever fruitless.

Over the years I've had to face head on my own self-doubt. A debilitating mind disease that always made me question what was truly in my heart, when I already knew the answer. Before, I would have stopped and wondered - what will others think? Now, I've realized that the quest to satisfy that question has lead me nowhere, to now here. Here. To finally have the courage to tread the quest of my heart's fulfillment.

One thing I've learned in choosing this way is it isn't the easiest path to take. But somehow, by some miracle, I don't feel as alone as I did before. I'm not even entirely sure how that happened. But it did. By some divine Grace, by choosing to walk forward, even when scared, a crack of light would open. Just the slightest bit. This I am grateful for. It's a choice. I can choose to focus on the crack of light, or the darkness that surrounds me.

Alone. Yes. An ache, I've felt for as long, and for as young as I can remember. Even when I had many around me. Not sure why, but it was something that left me standing in vast darkness during the highs, and the lows.

We all know change is inevitable, at least in this reality, and I'm left asking myself ...

Can I maintain peace, and heartfelt connection in times of change, elation and turmoil?

This place of peace is becoming the utmost important space to be. No matter what.

I'm learning. Slowly, slowly ... learning.


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