Memory Flood


“As long as you look for someone else to validate who you are by seeking their approval, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You have to be whole and complete in yourself. No one can give you that. You have to know who you are - what others say is irrelevant.”

-Nic Sheff

Meditation. Writing. Yoga practice.

I've had a flood of memories come into my consciousness. From defining moments, to the minute experiences, which in the larger scope, seem small in comparison. It's interesting. It's wild. And, it's given opportunity to review suppressed emotions, underlying angst, and confusion. I can't say it's about being stuck in the past. No. More like a review. Like I said before, it's like a flood, rushing into my awareness, signaling me to take a look at what's come in. An amazing test in facing what lies dormant within me, not yet fully realized or dealt with. Could they be blocks? Quite possibly. Now I'm at the point where excavating, feeling and clearing give enormous leaps in liberation. Or at the very least, a step closer. Each step teaching what isn't felt hardens in my being. Solidifies. Holds me down.

With all this being said, I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude to have tools. I have tools, as I work through the depths of my subconscious. It feels good to trust in the process. Maybe that's half the battle. Knowing this.

Sometimes if feels like a never ending cycle. Literally, how much pain can one person store? Things I haven't realized I still hold are finally being examined. What's the point in pushing them down? Doesn't really work for long. As I tend to my daily writing, I'm finding my voice. My true voice. The voice that resonates clearly with who I am and what my purpose is. The other voice, isn't so wise. Now, don't worry, I'm not talking about schizophrenia, lol.  I'm talking about the steady voice of truth. The thing about it is, when we hear it, we don't necessarily want to listen. To be pulled out of our comfort zone can be unsettling. Ultimately however, not listening brings more struggle. Once letting go of expectation, or a desired result, we can flow with our inherent energy.

Every step I take I realize just how long this journey will be. I don't let it get me down. As best I can. The important thing is, I start.

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