Blur

3.11.11


"The obstacle is the path."  - Zen Proverb

Over the course of the past several months I have found myself embroiled in negativity. Not really from the outside, but from the inside. I've been observing my thoughts and often I don't like what I see. A challenge. I guess I shouldn't have an opinion in regards to any of it. It is always worse in the mind than in reality. My outlets are minimal living in a country without my native language. I didn't think it would have such and affect on me after while. It's nice to have a sounding board from time to time. Some people say a challenging path is the path of most growth. Sigh. Come to think of it, I remember feeling this during my teaching stint in Taiwan. With most people having limited English I remember I was forced to really look at myself and my thoughts. There were much less distractions and rationalizations I could succumb to because of the language barrier. It's interesting. Sometimes it's overwhelming. The good thing about Sweden is that everyone speaks English, and speaks it well, but at the same time, I'm still an outsider. I'm not fluent as of yet. That will take a while. Until then, much of the time I am forced to go inside. It can be frightening, but nonetheless, I am forced to look now, more than ever. I must. I want to. On a subconscious level it is all meant to be. Through this experience the power of thought has come to light in a big way. To climb into my head is like WTF. The lightness, darkness.

I've had recurring dreams where I am filled with anxiety because somehow I had forgotten the key details to an assignment to complete a course. I'm in a school setting and in shock I had forgotten somethings so essential. It slipped my mind. I fell short. I missed the mark. I feel crushed. Obviously it's some type of subconscious drama I need to sort out. Oh lord.

One thing that helps when I feel inundated with thoughts is writing. I have talked about this before, stream of conscious writing, a highly suggested technique in Julia Cameron's, "The Artist's Way." It has a way of wiping the slate clean. I can move forward with more clarity. It's my dumping ground, so to speak. Also, what I am realizing is how sensitive I can be to other people's energy. On some level I have always known this. Often it can be hard to distinguish what is mine and what I am picking up from another person. I have a way of really tuning into someone on a psychic level, that give or take, I am not sure I know how to handle it in the best way. Still sorting that out.

The thing is, I need to start to rely on my own guidance, and intuition. I have known this too for a while. Trusting myself completely hasn't alway been my strong suit, but it is getting there. Much of life pulls us out of our internal knowing. Sometimes I feel it as a mysterious pull or gut feeling you can't necessarily place as to why it is there. Often it comes to fruition later. I think this is where the trust comes in when starting to lean on oneself. I have had a flash of knowing when it comes to another person or situation, in an instant, to then later rationalize as to why what came to light could be wrong. Usually my rationalization is wrong. It's interesting how it works. Thankfully, yoga practice, when the intention is brought down to the essential places, our body wisdom, our intuitive knowing, begins to strengthen. What becomes perfectly logical to one my start to look totally radical to others. However, the radicals ones, the game changers, have never had a problem going with their guts. Even if it went counter to the masses. It takes courage. It takes a strong reliance on inner guidance.

I don't think self mastery has to look one way. It seems to be as unique as the individual. The same thread being, relying on our inherent, God given potential. We either separate from it or connect to it. We either decide to swim up stream or flow with the current. I like flowing with the current, but if I were to be honest, sometimes I find myself swimming up stream. I have to acknowledge the part of me that is hard wired to go this way.

Through it all, through all that I contemplate, I realize just how hard I am on myself. Geesh, can I have a bit of breathing room, please!? Heeelllo. Yes, I know where this come from. I need to start here. I need to send some energy into this space within me, and acknowledge it. It's time.


6 Insightful Comments:

Anonymous said...

Funnily enough, I have been feeling lately the need to really tune into my intuition and trust myself more. Your fourth paragraph encapsulates exactly how I'm feeling too. Courage indeed! Good luck on your journey :)

LARUGA said...

Thank you so much. It's always nice to know there are others who can identify with conflicting feelings when leaning into the courageous act of trusting oneself. Best of luck on your journey as well.

AEMG said...

Thanks you for your honest and insightful blog. It is a privilege to read your thoughts and insights. I find also that learning not to be hard on myself is very hard. I have been reflecting recently that ahmisa comes so much more easily with other people and living things than myself.

LARUGA said...

This is so true! Always more of challenge with ourselves. Thanks for commenting.

エスタ said...

Thought I'd say hello, have just come across your blog. I really understand how it is not living in the land of your native tongue. That's one of the main reasons I started reading and writing a blog. But I still find my pen and paper the most satisfying. I think living consciously in a foreign culture and in a different language gives very clear insights into how we think and how culture shapes people....sometimes a little too clearly. Certainly isn't the easy path. . . . but sure is an interesting one. x

LARUGA said...

Yes, you are right on the mark. It isn't alway easy living abroad, but sure is interesting. I feel like my relationship with myself, the nuances of my personality, have come to the surface more in this situation. It's challenging, sometimes, frustrating, but I'm learning so much. Hopefully, becoming better because of it. :) Pen and paper have been amazing therapy too! Nice to be acquainted. xox

 

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