The sufi opens his hands to the universe
and gives away each instant, free.
Unlike someone who begs on the street for money to survive,
a dervish begs to give you his life.
~Rumi, Furuzanfar #686, Rubaiyat
The boy friend, from Mexico, has been going through a very challenging time. I've never been close to someone who literally was fighting for their life on a level very different from a physical disease.
He tells me how special I am...that I have everything...he tells me I'm an angel, and that I'm one of the few he can trust. But, it doesn't make me feel good to hear...it makes me sad. Because behind the words...even though sincere...he doesn't believe he is worthy of embodying any of those attributes. That is what breaks my heart. I have never met someone with so much potential, and yet have no awareness of it... that doesn't believe within that he is truly worthy of greatness, and peace. I wish there was something I could do, but in reality, all I can be is present, and available for support. He asked me to simply pray for him, because he's scared...and wow, that is scary for me, because when someone asks you to pray, they must really need it...and its all I can really do at this point. Its all out of my hands...I have no control. Yes, I may have thought at one point I did...but, alas, was proven wrong...rightfully.
I admire his honesty regarding what he's feeling. Not many are able to do that...and that gives me hope.
This has been a huge lesson. I have had to learn to release all control. I have had to learn that loving is about letting go. I've had to learn that you simply have to give space, and allow others to find themselves....because no matter how hard you try to make someone see...it isn't gonna happen unless on their own accord. Sometimes I wish I could take away the pain of others...but I've had to learn that it is not necessary for me to carry the weight.
With anything, there is always hope. And, I can be a better friend and support when I take myself out of the equation...and, offer up unwavering support, openness, and transparency to another in need.
But, truthfully...I worry, and I'm scared...Knowing is one thing...Doing is another...