For years, copying other people, I tried to know myself.
From within, I couldn't decide what to do.
Unable to see, I heard my name being called.
Then I walked outside.
~Rumi, Furuzanfar #77, Rubaiyat
The other day a friend of mine called me a non-conformist. I sat with that for a moment, and questioned...am I? Gosh, maybe I am...but, not necessarily for the sake of being one...but it seems to be in my nature.
Yes, I question...and, I don't take things for face value just because of the status quo...Even though at times I have felt I wanted that...the status quo...in the end, it has always left me personally unsatisfied. Am I strange? Yes, well maybe I am. I can accept that...I really have no choice.
It seems as if the stage was set for me already. Being born into a bi-racial family...growing up as if I never really fit into any particular group. Having a father a bit on the eccentric side who stayed true to his ideals even though not entirely excepted by the mainstream. Funny however, much of his interests and concerns are in vogue now more than ever. Having a mother from another country and culture with a very outward and passionate vision for what she felt was right...dare I say a bit self-righteous. Anyway, growing up and feeling as if I was a square peg fitting into a round hole pushed me to tap into something more real...The truth is...the most boring and uninteresting aspect of a person is their race, creed, religion, job, sex, sexual orientation, and/or status. These labels are okay to a certain extent...but in reality, the essence of each individual carries the most weight. Its funny how we use the masks to separate from each other, when in truth we are all made up of the same stuff on the simplest most genuine level. I've definitely got caught up in the game. But, every time I've played its left me exhausted and disenchanted...
Dis-identifying with all the labels feels scary. I've lost plenty in the past year and a half, along with the labels and the masks, and if all that wouldn't not have happened I wouldn't have had the chance, or the experience, to listen to my own truth...to really know what I'm made of. Even though I live on the edge of uncertainty...sometimes feeling a bit lost...and uncomfortable...I would have never tasted the sweetness of authenticity....and in the end, after all the chasing and seeking...THAT is what I was really after in the first place...hahaha...I'm not all that clever...
So, after much has gone poof!...up in smoke...what do I have to lean on? Well, I'm discovering...learning...slowly trusting...and well, its all an adventure...I just gotta keep remembering that...