To really get to the truth of the matter can be a painful thing...However to get to the other side of that it only gets better. Still on the road to discovery its amazing all the stuff that can come to the for front when everything that we hold on to is stripped away...stripped bare. Then ultimately we have to face ourselves. In the a previous post I mentioned some of the stuff I was going through with my job...but I always hesitate when it comes to my relationship that ended last December. In intimate relationship especially, much can distract you from the obvious. Sometimes it gets to be this thing that you feel you so desperately need even though your not even happy...or its not enhancing your life in anyway...its just this constant...muck...heaviness...I can only describe in that sort of way. And, when you feel so lonely in it...and your always cheering on the other person, praying for them...just wanting them to be happy...but...you forget...you...and when you want to lean on someone you fall...and fall HARD. That is when you find and know this isn't right...this doesn't feel good anymore...And when it comes down to "that issue" of not being the thing he wants...its almost laughable because...This is why??!! Because of that! Well I can't do that...I can't be that...I will not. Finally, I am doing the loving thing for myself...that I have ignored for so long...And I have to except responsibly on why I brought all of that in my life. Why did I feel I wasn't worthy of being truly Loved. Why do I not feel worthy of it. Why am I so scared by it. It may be an inconvenient truth...but these are questions I must ask myself to move on and be better for it...not bitter...I don't want to be scared any more. I know I can love fully and deeply but its gotta start inside me...not outside...and when we get caught up in the other person...again...it distracts us from the truth of the matter.
I honestly don't look at those past four years together as a waste of time...and I only have love in my heart for him at this moment. Because, through it all I honor the essential part of him and its a beautiful thing to see. Love never ends... it never stops...I just don't have to hold on anymore to do that...I don't have to be in the muck. Why stop the flow of Love? Even though its not a relationship on the physical plane anymore... To end something to get back to your own happiness is a relationship on a higher vibrating plane. Peace and Love.