Spent the afternoon with one of my best girlfriends. She had this book on her dining room table, Girls are Weirdos, but they smell pretty, by Todd Harris Goldman, that she had just bought. We spent a better part of a half an hour cracking up at the passages inside the book. I mean...yeah we're girls, but some of the stuff written was sad...but, so very true...and so very funny.
Here are some of the following...
Why is it that girls seem to prefer bad boys to nice ones? Don't you realize that with a little time and patience nice boys will end up treating you just as badly as the bad boys do? Geez!
Bad Hair Day
Why do girls get so upset over a bad hair day? I mean, come on, it's only temporary! It will be fine tomorrow, ladies. You should be grateful you even have hair, even though half your hair is fake anyway! I would be more concerned with a bad face day or a bad body day. Those are permanent and can only be fixed with plastic surgery.
The yummiest, tastiest, bestest treat in the whole wide world. It makes you happy and makes all your problems go away. It's even better than sex. But it also makes you fat and gives you pimples. Which means you won't be having much sex anyway, so I guess it all evens out!
Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?
You already know the answer, don't you? You're just looking for someone to be mad at, that's all. So if I tell you the truth, you get pissed at me. And if I lie, you get even more pissed at me. I can't win either way! So, I'm going to answer you straight-up once and for all (and I'm doing this for every guy who's ever been tortured by this same stupid question. Yes, that dress makes you look fat! You're are not skinny enough to pull it off! Spandex is a privilege, not a right! Next question...
Eat Something Already
Okay, girls, here's a lesson you need to learn: Food, which is good for you, should be eaten, digested, then pooped out, all in one continuous railroad track of happy digestion and nutrition. If you eat, then puke, the train derails. If you never eat anything, the train can't leave the station. Just because we like you skinny and hot doesn't mean it's okay to stick you finger down your throat.
Nothing is sexier than a girl with thick black 3-inch plastic rods coming out of her eyes. It looks like a tarantula got stuck on its back and is kicking its legs in the air. Why do girls go through the torture of gluing those things on? I guess it's some sort of contraption to capture food for the eye...like a Venus flytrap.
Also known as the "get out of jail free" card. Guys love flowers! I mean guys love the power of flowers. We can totally get in a fight, cheat on our girlfriend, run over her dog, and accidentally sleep with her best friend...and everything will be okay. Why? Because we sent her flowers. A dozen smelly little weeds that die in a week just saved our ass. I love flowers.
Seventeen, Vogue, Cosmo, Teen Queen, whatever...they're all the same. They're basically just instruction manuals telling girls how to dress to attract guys, what kind of guys to date, how to get rid of unwanted zits so guys will sleep with you, and how to stay under 90 pounds so guys will find you hot. Guys like them because, duh, they're full of articles on guys (e.g., how to drive a guy crazy in bed), so it drives home the point that making us happy is really what it's all about.
Why do girls weave hair from a horse's rear end to their heads? I think that's taking the term "ponytail" a little too far, don't you? Instead, why not go down to the highway and pick up some roadkill? What's wrong with a little opossum or squirrel hair? And just think, with a skunk you wouldn't have to put streaks in your hair, either.
It's Not You, It's Me
I love you, but I'm not in love with you, you deserve someone better, I need some space, I don't want to ruin our friendship: All mean the same thing...I no longer find you attractive and I want to have sex with as many girls as possible. And by the way, it IS you!
Oooh, you're not talking to me! Thanks, I can use the break. The phone calls every 15 minutes asking me where I am, and what I'm doing, and who I'm with, were getting kind of annoying. So basically I'm a huge fan of the silent treatment and wish girls used it more often.
Walk of Shame
We have all seen her: the girl with the messy hair, runny makeup, wearing the same clothes she wore the night before, stumbling to her car, shoes in hand, purse dragging behind on the ground, hurrying home to take a shower after her embarrassing one-night stand. It just sucks when it's your best friend's mom.
What Are We?
Apparently, relationship status is very important to girls. It's even a criteria on MySpace! Single or In A Relationship? That's the big question. Are we boyfriend and girlfriend or are we just friends? Are we exclusive or can we date other people? Then when you finally decide that we are boyfriend/girlfriend, the next day you don't want a boyfriends anymore. This really confuses me. My head hurts, who cares, let's just cuddle.