Waiting in the airport for my flight...and my laptop battery is about to die on me. Hee, hee. So I'll write fast.
For starters, I've been tight lipped about my rendezvous in Florida. Guess I'm ready to spill the beans, so to speak. Whatever that means. In reality, there is nothing to hide. Nevertheless, its an interesting story. But, on the other hand, I go back and forth with how much, exactly, I want to divulge about my life.
Its starts like this.
Back in college I met a boy, and we went out on one date. Somehow, after all these years, he got in touch with me via email. From there we started emailing each other back and forth. Then emailing turned into instant messaging...instant messaging turned into talking on the phone. To... then, after months, we met face to face in Orlando, Florida where he lives, just last week.
In the beginning, I had no problems rekindling a friendship. However, for it to be more was where I began to hesitate...because I was tangled in the web of the boy from Mexico who I met while in India. Sound complicated? Well, it isn't really.
You see...I don't have all the answers...but, there comes a point when you just have to wonder if someone is really all that good for you. Or, maybe its timing. The boy from Mexico...had more going on with him, than I bargained for...not very many people know the whole story, for I have only shared it with a few. It doesn't mean that I care any less. But, there comes a time when letting go is the best thing. There comes a time when someone's own personal growth and happiness is most important, and that needs to take place vs. trying to hold on to and/or balance a relationship. I wasn't going to hold on to a fantasy. I wasn't going to choose a relationship over my own sanity either. Because, there came a point when I felt as if I was being dragged down with him as he was drowning...and he didn't want to do that to me either.
I still believe that love can conquer all...that through loving, the very best scenario will come about...and to the best of my ability I did just that. Life and love are mysterious...and, sometimes loving is holding on tight to those you adore, and sometimes its letting go...just because it didn't have the Cinderella story ending doesn't bother me at all. There are greater things at work, and I don't have a clue where it will all lead...
So...when communicating back and forth with the boy from Florida it was all quite innocent...and naturally I became very fond of him. However, on the other hand, I felt sensitive...I felt raw with many things that have been going on in my life beyond relationships and so forth...so for a while I kept him at arms length.
Yes...I can be an at arms length type a girl. I can be guarded. Because you see...I have this theme in my life...its called...unlucky in love. Yes, yes, yes. At 31, I am still clueless. Hahaha. Well, not entirely, but I can take responsibility for my part. Subconsciously, maybe I am a bit commitment-phobic. I can be hard to pin down. Then on the other hand, many times, I can be fiercely loyal too.
But, where I've gone wrong is who I've chose to draw into my life. There have been so many times I've been approached by the nice guy...the steady guy...and I didn't go for it...I went for the opposite...the guy with a bit more edge, that in the end would probably have nothing to offer. Why? Well...
And, I've had to question and look at what gets me so scared about it? This past year has been a year of growth for me...I would never want to take it back, because moving forward, it has to be different. I mean, seriously, its time to grow up. Hahaha...just a little bit at least!!
But...also, I don't want to be in love just to be in love. Sometimes we get caught up in loving to be in love...It has be much more than that. Much, much more.
I've digressed again, so after months of communication...David and I finally met. But, before that, it had been nearly 10 years since we had seen each other. Crazy!
The trip was short and very sweet.
But, like my style...I'm running off again to leave the country for another adventure.
The best I can do at this stage in the game is take everything day by day...by day...that is the best I can do. The past several weeks I've come to terms with much...and for the first time in a long time I've felt deep peace. It took a bit of struggle to get where I'm at, in my heart, in this moment...and it feels pretty darn full...even though there is much uncertainty up ahead...
As I move forward, I feel as if I sit in a more authentic place. Just even feeling good in my own skin is enough. I'm getting a sense of the woman I want to be...and from there the whole world looks like an expansive, more exciting place. Even this little shift has made a difference...I've had more strangers come up and talk to me, than I can remember, in the past several weeks...pretty funny. I feel more connected somehow.
I want to be a better daughter, sister, aunt, student, teacher, friend, and support to those I care about. The biggest thing I've learned is that where I'm at today could have never been made possible without the circle of support that surrounds me.
Its one thing to know what you want. Its another to ask for it...no matter what.
Back to David...what a special person. He's added to my life...not taken from it. I've enjoyed his company and friendship. I like how things have progressed. The future is wide open.