It is my nature that makes me love you often,
For I am love itself.
It is my longing that makes me love you intensely,
For I yearn to be loved from the heart.
It is my eternity that makes me love you long,
For I have no end.
~Mechtild of Magdeburg
One of the lessons I've learned vastly in the last year is on the subject of love.
Love is more about letting go than about gaining or acquiring.
Love is much more than our expectations. More than roses, chocolates, the dream wedding or longs walks on the beach. Those are fine and good things.
A while back...I finally realized its essence. When through the pain of someone I deeply cared for, I felt absolutely no separation between the two of us. When I looked into the eyes of someone I loved, I felt as if I merged and accepted every imperfection, every pain without judgment or strife. And, without the worry if I will be loved in return...I continued, and gave the only thing I truly had.
Sometimes we get too wrapped up in the fantasy of what love is that we miss the moments that are right in front of us.
I've heard that love is supposed to be easy...and it should, I guess...but many times we in our minds want control...we want to have a say in the way things should 'Be.'
I've had to ponder this...
Also, most importantly I've had to remember to take care of myself...and not get pulled down with someone who is drowning in their own pain...how do you love, and set limits at the same time? Its always a hazy gray area for me.
Somehow I've gotten drawn into situations where I not only was I carrying the weight of myself, but began to take on the pain of the other person. Before, unconsciously, I would do that...feeling that is the way...that's what you do if you love someone. As my awareness has grown...I've realized that is something I picked up at an early age. And, it isn't necessary for me to carry the emotional load of another anymore. Whoa! Its exciting when you realize a past conditioning that can easily be changed. However, still, I'm left wondering what are the limits? How do I stay compassionate, and loving...without losing myself...without taking things on that aren't my stuff? I'm still discovering that balance.
I've had this tendency for a long while. And, I finally connected the dots when piecing together my past...and the emotional responsibility I took on very young that I felt was my duty.
A body worker and healer I have seen on a regular basis for a while individually and in group meditations...told me that I'm an Empath by nature. Naturally feeling strongly in others...I have a hypersensitivity when it comes to those around me. I guess, a good thing to learn moving forward.
Another realization...a soulmate isn't necessarily destined to be your life partner either...
I've had to take a hard look at my choices too...My roommate and dear friend told me boldly once..."You like bad boys." Hahaha! I got very defensive when she told me that (Bad sign)...I quickly was like..."NO I don't...no way, never."
Well, at least, with experience, lets hope I've gained greater perspective, and wisdom. The good thing is, from this point on, I have the freedom to make more conscious choices.
At the simplest level, however, I've found that the deeper I connect within the better I love. And, its in the giving where the true solace lies. If I can continue that...without the fear of being hurt or misguided...that act will take me farther than I can ever hope or dream. It always comes down to two choices...do I choose Love or do I choose Fear? Fear is rooted in the past...past this, past that, past pain. Fear is ever concerned about the future.
Love brings it back to what is right in front of me at this very moment.
While staying rooted with who I am...knowing who I am...I no longer need the validation to come from an outside source.
I'll admit, there is nothing like being in love...but, again, I'm not looking for a scratch the surface type of thing...so, we'll see...
I'm constantly learning...