Aloneness vs. Lonliness

22.10.08



Our similarities bring us common ground; Our differences allow us to be fascinated by each other."

~ Tom Robbins



Solitude. The word for my existence the last several days. New environment. New students. New apartment. New places to eat.

Same 7-eleven on every corner...oddly. Same practice. Same routine.

The loneliness I've felt in the past year has moved on to alone-ness. In loneliness there is lack. In alone-ness there is fulfillment. In loneliness there is sadness. In alone-ness there is contentment. In loneliness there is apathy. In alone-ness there's aliveness.

With little distraction, I've been pushed to step inside.

With a language I can hardly speak, I've had to learn to communicate differently, expressing myself with awareness, and observing what I'm feeling, versus winding it out through my mind and deciphering it into language. Rationalizing. Making excuses. I can't even come close to playing that game anymore, and when given the opportunity to really...REALLY...look at oneself it can be startling. Call it a big old wake up call. It can be beautiful, as well...to finally step inside...where as before, I would do everything else first, not to do so. Oh, how we run from ourselves...without even realizing it. On so many levels.

One day, I'll look at this opportunity as a good one. At some point, I'm sure it will culminate into something I can't even comprehend. The process of being in this moment right here, right now. I can learn. I can grow. Through experience.

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