Vices

3.3.10



Already back home in Stockholm. What a quick trip it was to Mysore this year. One month is like a blur. But it was a good blur. A deep one. Very deep. Dare I say the deepest of all my trips combined?

Factoring this trip was only one month I didn't distract myself with anything else. It was the practice, and not much else. Yes. There were good times with good friends. Walks by the lake. However, this go around all I was intent on was deepening the practice. No extra classes. No others studies. Nothing. Nothing, but the residual affects of feeling what the practice brought to the surface. Let's just say there was a lot there.

Practicing in a pressure cooker like the shala is an intense experience, every time. An intensity unlike anywhere else I've practiced. Pure magic. But, not necessarily a magic carpet ride. There's real work being done.

I had an interesting year leading up to Mysore. I had taken my practice to a different stage of vigilance, experimentation, and devotion. I can only guess it's part of the evolution, and journey the practice takes one on after 10 years. It's a constant turning. Like the breath, there is contraction and expansion. During the year, I cleared. I opened. I settled in. But, we all know the cyclical nature it is to be on this ride. Once deepened, there is light to shed on those places hidden. Thank God, I had the opportunity to take a look. As much as I don't want to. Or, the fact that it isn't fun. I remind myself I didn't sign up to merely skim the surface.

So, I look. How frightening. Right? Not so much. Or not as much as I had thought. I remember, these thoughts aren't me. Gone are the days of aspiring to be something, or act like one who is supposedly on the path. What is that exactly? It can only be who I am raw and unrefined. I only want to feel. Feel what is true. I want to come alive. Whatever that might look like. I'm learning it's a freeing feeling. There's freedom in it. Is it important I know more? Not really. The only thing that seems to matter is clearing the connection between my head and my heart. Wisdom. I've learned more from the simplicity of a flower than all my college professors combined. The stillness of not needing to add to the situation but simply be, humbles my heart.

What else have I learned? I need to speak up. Ironic. I've suffered two sore throats in 4 weeks. I see how I can be plowed over by people. Always the ear to listen, but never the one to speak. Now I'm ready to speak.

I also see the relevance in appreciating everything, everyone, all the time. A challenging one. But necessary. Those simple moments. The jewels of unique and colorful personalities I've come in contact with have enriched my life to capacity. To my boyfriend, who knows how to open his heart so fully, in a matter of minutes, that I could be filled with love for centuries. These contacts we make in life are what it's all about. Even the relationships that annoy and frustrate. Ohhh. There is so much to learn there. New ways to stretch and appreciate. To truly see the essence of the person beyond the masks and fluctuations. To see it in myself.

I've learned how I've remained hidden and that it's okay to take up space. I can see how my practice has allowed me to grown into that.

I've had to ask, again, why do I do this practice? Am I tapping into those hidden parts of myself? Am I willing to shed every bit of what I thought I new to taste the sweetness of Truth? Why is it such a challenge?

I can see how I can hid behind this practice, too. I can see how practicing yoga and eating organic foods isn't the only thing. The world of form is form. Not everlasting.

However, there is always a start. There is a willingness to know. To taste. To trust. All I have to do is open to it.

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