"...It's not a terrible thing that we feel fear when faced with the unknown. It is part of being alive, something we all share. We react against the possibility of loneliness, of death, of not having anything to hold on to. Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.
If we commit ourselves to staying right where we are, then our experience becomes very vivid. Things become very clear when there is nowhere to escape."
~Pema Chodron
Yeah...I'm going through a transition in my life...and damn it!! Its challenging...its hard and part of me wants to just make everything I'm feeling go away. But, like someone once told me..."Laruga...just walk through it." Why can't it be easy? So...I'm doing my best to feel it...and damn it...walk through it.
I've never really been the type to overindulge in alcohol or experiment with drugs...I don't overeat...I love to shop...but I'm over that some how. I mean...when I came back from India somehow I got amnesia or something and was amazed at how many shoes I had...and I'm like what more could I want? So...there really is no escape for me and what I'm feeling...and in reality why run...There is nothing right now to distract me from that emptiness I feel...But! Its okay to feel empty, because I can fill it with some really good stuff. The real stuff...not the meaningless stuff that is just what it is...meaningless.
Its just strange...so many things were ripped open from my trip...so much just exploded inside of me and I feel fragmented somehow...like I'm scattered into a million pieces...and as painful as that is...I have to look at the positive side and take this opportunity to build and put myself together anew...because with growth...come the growing pains...and I have faith I'll be better for it. Because the old way of being, doing, having aren't serving me any longer...and I can't physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually back track...its not even possible. So...I must move forward as scary as it feels and is...
On another note...I got word several days ago that my boyfriend was in a motor-bike accident in Thailand...Thank God he's gonna be okay...It all goes back to how precious life can be...and how to never take anyone for granted. Coming from someone who has been so open and honest about how he feels...no holding back...you've taught me that well...oh so well...that lesson...you can't forget those who touch you deeply...and its important to let them know...no matter how corny you think its gonna sound...And, for once its so funny how things work out...I got it...because its not the things that we do that we most regret...but the things that we don't do...And those tiny acts of kindness and service we can offer others...we don't need an audience to congratulate what we've done...because the eyes of the universe always know...and the internal rewards that come are bountiful. That's another great little lesson I've taken from from you...geesh...you're amazing...I'm moved by your awareness...I'm moved by your strength.
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