My Piece of the Puzzle

Ordinary men hate solitude. But the Master makes use of it, embracing his aloneness, realizing he is one with the whole universe

~Lao-Tzu, Tao-te-Ching




I had lent out one of my favorite books to a friend of mine, and just got it back...I couldn't help it, I started to read it yet again. Yeah, you got me, I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love, another go around...its like this manifesto to women of a certain generation and/or mentality. But, c'mon! This book is better than eating a piece of chocolate...I identify with it...It reminds me that I have to live life on my terms...no matter what society says is supposed to be next in line...

I have plenty of friends who are married and have children...and I admire how well they have the capability to balance everything in their lives. But, for me to be in that position at this point feels foreign to me. Must mean I'm not ready. Honestly, I used to think there was something wrong with me. Both my siblings have been able to settle down and start families. Seriously, I feel like I'm gonna be that crazy aunt that's gonna be off on another adventure...that makes no sense...and I probably didn't put too much thought or planning into it...that's what I do sometimes...don't think, and just say, hey that sounds like fun...why not...I for some reason can't stomach analyzing my 401K, charting my retirement so I can plan when to really start living...blech! But, also, am I living in instant gratification? I question these things...

However, I always find myself in some sort of committed relationship. But, then when it gets to a certain point. If freaks me out. This is something I have taken a good hard look at...and I'm ready to address it. There is no point to be in fear...everything is always in a state of the unknown. There really is no need to predict the future. And, Honestly, I'm not too sure how many people could keep up with me. I have met one person though, where, at times I felt, I'm not too sure I could keep up with him. But, I like the challenge...is that crazy or what?

Which brings me to my thing with challenges. Why oh why do I always like a challenge? There is something about breaking the bounds of what I conceived as possible. Hence, my love for Ashtanga yoga. I remember when I was first introduced to it, and much of the stuff I couldn't do or even wrap my brain around. But, I didn't care. I was mystified and instantly attracted to this discipline. Somehow with that attitude, it allowed me to progress with leaps and bounds...because I enjoyed the process just as much as I enjoyed the result...to me there was no one part that was better than the other.

I remember the last time I was in Sedona, Arizona for a retreat, and I participated in a traditional Native American sweat lodge ceremony. When I asked what it was all about I was told...well, you'll have little or no clothes on, its gonna be pitch black...and unbelievably hot in there...but, its all about breaking the barriers of your mind and being transformed. Ha! That's all I needed to hear...sign me up!! Yeah, strange I know. It was a little bit like torture...but, believe me...I wasn't thinking about the past, or the future. I was mystified by the intensity of it...it was probably one of the most intense experiences I've ever had. When it is so unthinkably hot, it puts you in a place that is unexplainable...It was so funny because the leader of the sweat lodge started talking and sarcastically he was like...What! What could be better than this on a Friday night...what, are you gonna watch a movie? This right here is for real, this is the good stuff." I really couldn't say I disagreed. Its an interesting place to be when you go to your edge. There comes a point when you truly face yourself...straight in the eye...and there aren't many times in our lives when we consciously decide to do that...

Sometimes I feel fearless...other times, it attaches to me like a bad rash...its this dance I'm constantly playing with...

So what critical mass is it gonna take for me to move forward with this next phase? Many times it has felt like I've taken about 50 steps backward before I've made one step forward...I'm just learning here. Am I brave enough to live this life on my terms without comparing myself to others...without being insecure about it? Dunno. All I know, is everyone has their own piece of the puzzle to the larger mosaic...and I'm still trying to figure out what that is...





This clip has been floating around. Looks very interesting. The scenes from India make me miss it even more than I already do...