Out of Commission!

In Mysore with Jo

The past two months I've had two computer crashes. My logic board has been replaced twice with a new graphic card as well as a brand new display screen. Needless to say, I haven't been able to be on my blog as much as I would have liked. At one point I was without a computer for a month since it decided to go down during my previous travels. Frustration to the max. I am now thinking of getting a replacement computer just in case this happens again. The good thing is, I was forced to disengage for some time, which can be a necessary thing from time to time. Now I'm back!   

Back in the U.S.

Massive Sequoia in my sister's neighborhood!

My precious 7 year old niece. Time flies!

Castle Rock State Park, California

I've really been behind with updating. I really miss it though! Life has been a balancing act over the past few months and will continue at this pace with a few breaks in between. I can't complain though. I feel extremely lucky to have had a number of opportunities come my way, and well, consistency and hard work have a way of steadily paying off unexpectedly when you simply immerse yourself in the work. 

In October I traveled back to the U.S. for the first time in almost 5 years! Can you imagine?! I didn't think it would take that long to get back when I first moved to Sweden but that's how it worked out. In a way I felt like a foreigner in my own country of origin, hahaha. Not in a bad way. But, I have to say, there is something about the European lifestyle that jives with me. At least for now. I can't predict the future but I'm content on living in Sweden. It works, especially if I get the chance to go away someplace warm and sunny during the winter months. 

So I headed to the west coast first to visit my sister and her family, including my adorable niece above in the Portland, Oregon area, then afterward, to San Jose, California to teach a weekend workshop there. I'm thinking maybe it was a good thing I visited the west coast for my mode of re-entry. There is open minded thinking everywhere but there seems to be more of it in place out there. I guess my one and only complaint is America's obsession with the automobile. The bigger the better it seems, and I feel myself being turned off by it, especially after living in a country where public transportation is not only done well, but extremely well. 

However, through it all I had a lovely trip. There are some things I just don't have in Sweden. Like family and Whole Foods. In case you didn't know I'm obsessed with Whole Foods. Everything also seems so much cheaper in the U.S. versus Sweden. So for consumption, yeah, America's got Sweden beat. The 25% Vat can really add up but somehow I don't feel like I'm getting too burned. There's a quality of life and a balance of life in Sweden that I can really appreciate. The contrast of travel and living in another country has given opportunity to open my eyes to many facets of life. For that I am grateful. I'm still no doubt American but the beauty of practicing yoga, traveling and living abroad you realize that there is a thread that connects us all no matter what labels or nationalities we identify with. If we could open our minds to that our world word be a different place. 

This Summer

Ta

Just under a month I've been back home after an intense and transformational summer in Mysore, India. As always it took me a while to land and digest all that transpired, and in many ways I feel as if I am still digesting. I know transformational is a word that is thrown around a lot these days, and the only way to describe it is something shifted, for better or worse, who knows. I felt challenged on every level, mentally, emotionally, physically and most definitely spiritually. I cried this summer more than I had in a long time. I was broken down to be built back up. A toning from the inside out. A reckoning. The buzz of practicing there has just about worn off. It seems like the more you hold on to it the faster it goes. At the same time there is an inkling of a light that has been lit and the knowing it won't ever burn out.

Having the opportunity to immerse oneself in the way that we did this past summer was an opportunity of a life time, and really every trip I feel it, but this was on another level. I am always so grateful to have the time and space to focus on practice, ultimately focusing on the truer parts of life. I need these reminders. If I didn't I would be lost. It all goes back to the quality we lead in our hearts and minds in day to day living. Thankfully the practice of yoga helps to lead us there.

Moving forward there is so much that comes to mind. It is so easy to be swept away by the rhythm of our rushed society. I'm learning not to be so dictated by it. I too see how distracted I can be and how challenging it is to maintain this internal connection, but no one said it would be easy. It comes down to one's thirst for ultimate freedom as I contemplate what is that really? What does that look like? I'm getting the tiniest sense of it and yet it feels exciting and scary at the same time. Funny how that works. It's like balancing on the edge of a razor. 

True Love

“Love is a tremendous caring that arises in the wake of transcending the personal self. In the wake of this transcendence, something amazing arises. A deep love and caring arises from within emptiness, from nowhere. This love and caring seeks only the Truth in every moment and in all circumstances. True love is something far greater than anything that could be called personal. True love is a non-personal miracle. It is the nature of reality itself. It is the natural and spontaneous expression of the undivided Self.”

(Adyashanti)

The Power of Unity

I love the following story. If we followed this example there would be much healing in the world. The best part is we don't have to wait. We can start today. I think even recent news guides us that one just never knows what pain is held inside someone.

There is an old story of a farmer who was proud of the fruits produced in his orchard. There was one diseased tree that never produced  anything of value but merely took up space in the orchard. He tried everything, but couldn't get rid of that tree. He tried cutting it down, but it would grow again from a shoot. He tried poisoning it, but it never quite died. Then one day, following someone's advice, he planted many healthy trees around it. They were vigorous and healthy trees that suited the environment well. Soon it was difficult to see where that diseased tree was amongst them. Gradually those beneficial healthy trees took over the entire space and when the farmer looked for his old adversary, that diseased tree couldn't be found; it had become healthy and on its branches were growing crops of beautiful fruits.  

(B.K.S. Iyengar, from Core of the Yoga Sutras)

First of May

Now May, already, it is hard to believe, and as spring slowly begins to awaken, you know it's a slow process here in Sweden, you must have patience, once again, I find myself in a reflective mood. I enjoy the transitions of the seasons. I like change. There is something dynamic and hopeful in regards to change that I feel comfortable with. Granted not all change feels all that great but it is my feeling that more times than not change brings opportunity to more deeply understand ourselves and the world we live in.

When I think back to a year ago, which in reality doesn't feel that long ago, I can't say I've experienced any radical changes, only the fact that somehow I feel even more comfortable in my own skin. A settling in. A strength that radiates deep within my core. My gut. A connection to center. It's a good feeling. Going back to last year I felt more of an unraveling. Tiredness and exhaustion. Now instead of feeling low or high I see value in steadiness.

Steadiness of mind is the true fruit of yoga practice. Valuable beyond anything else once the thought waves subside and fade in the background the voice of our soul can finally speak. It will not yell over the mindless chatter of the mind. Sometimes I feel close to this space of awareness and other times seems more elusive. Whenever I step away to then come back inside to center I ultimately realize how deeply it has been missed. There is nothing more tranquil. There is nothing that can fulfill it from the outside. A lesson that takes constant reminding. However, the more it is experienced to be true the more it reaffirms in our state of being.

The remembering, it is the most challenging part. It is so easy to default to old patterns and comfort zones. Why? Thankfully, the practice of yoga gives space to watch and observe. To strengthen our resolve to what really charges our spirit. It is no easy task but one that once you get the smallest of tastes one will never yearn for anything less. 

Happy Vernal Equinox

Hello Spring!? With today marking the vernal equinox spring has a funny way of showing itself in Stockholm. Luckily, by the time I wrote this blog post my pictures weren't so accurate anymore. The snow has thus melted, but it did come down with a vengeance Wednesday evening leaving a beautiful scene in the city. It's easy to scoff at it when ready for warmer temperatures but the better of me had to admit there was something charming about it. At any rate, it didn't last long. March is the month where the two seasons battle it out. Hopefully winter will weaken its hold. We'll see. One may never know with how wacky the weather has been lately. 

Wishing all of you best wishes as spring valiantly makes it's debut! Happy Vernal Equinox! 

Rebuilding

February was an interesting month coming off our annual two month trip to Mysore, India. I had a few ups and down during our stay in Mysore but as always the daily practice was our rooting force and of course the primary reason for being there. I started to get an itch in my throat our last few days which inevitably turned into full blown flu when I arrived back home. On top of that a sore shoulder that has been off and on over the past 8 months. Practice in Mysore no doubt always holds a certain amount of intensity and this year was no different if not more so. My practice was epic, meaning long. No doubt extremely strength building both physically and mentally. When I arrived home the hammer fell and I was held at a stand still in terms of the momentum of practice acquired in Mysore, so I thought. Let's just say I was laid out, worse than I had been in years. No practice for nearly a week. Afterward it left my body feeling weak from days of fever and muscle aches.

Reacclimatizing from humid, warm weather to cold and dry, and coming back from flu the practice felt like I had to start from the beginning on a certain level, at least physically. Mentally what I found was the stability established from months of focused practice in Mysore still carried me even though the body wasn't quite there yet. Although, I can't say it felt like a honeymoon. For whatever reason it didn't feel like the body wanted to bounce back as quickly as I have experienced before. Humbling and one that takes attentive awareness around the rough edges. This go around it felt like there were more rough edges than usual.

On the flip side I've had more energy so it has been an interesting mix during the healing process. Sometimes things are unexplainable. One reason to keep the overall scope and perspective of the practice at heart. I've learned how detaching ourselves to how we felt for a period before or even the day before is important. Every day brings a new beginning. Every day there is something new to learn and discover. An unfolding that isn't always what we thought it would be or should be. 

Knowledge and Ritual

"Knowledge and ritual without compassion is empty."    (Jesus)

I read somewhere recently that in our practices resistance will follow us every step of the way. True. I'd have to say this definitely comes with the territory. Some periods are tougher than others and with resistance I have found how important it is to be attentive and watchful in how we connect to the practice in relationship to others. There are many trappings along the path as well as tests and if we are not mindful entering into more layers of delusion are bound to happen. In many ways I feel it humorous to write about such things because in no way am I an expert but it is something I have been contemplating lately and well here I am writing about it. So there!

Seriously though, oh wait, no I don't want to be so serious because sometimes I think that is the issue, taking ourselves way to seriously in relationship to our daily ritual of yoga practice. Yes, I take my practice seriously, for it has been an anchor, giving stability and focus, connecting to what I like to call my divine center. It's an intimate thing we touch between the spaces of our inhale and exhale, in those apexes between thoughts when our heart skips a beat because what is available in these spaces is available to all. With that, we must remember in our relationships with others everyone is in a process and we must be compassionate for whatever process that is. What I have learned is the greater intelligence knows all and no matter how much yoga I practice or books I read on the topic it in no way makes me any more in the know if I don't practice quietly sitting in this space of intelligence and usually that happens being the example more than schooling others when they have failed to understand the meaning of ahimsa (non-violence) or satya (truth) for example. 

I remember a while back after a situation that was massively blown out of portion someone then decided to throw the word satya around in a condemning fashion. It caused me to pause and reflect on the importance of the yamas and niyamas which are embedded in the first two limbs of Ashtanga yoga, the Eightfold Path. I reflected on the fact that nowhere does it seem to express, correct me if I am wrong, that we are supposed to judge others on these ethical practices. Yes, I use the word practice because they are what we ourselves practice and in the same light not necessarily to be projected onto others because obviously when we do so it is another form of distraction. They are guiding posts for us to be internally awake and what I have found calm and center my state of mind. I have also learned to accept that yes I will fail at times and I might even see others fail or be misguided and well it isn't always my call to make. Now, I'm not talking about major injustices in the world but more like day to day occurrences and interactions we have with friends, families, colleagues, or other yoga practitioners. 

Yes the phrase, "be the change you wish to see in the world," has been thrown around a lot lately but nonetheless puts into perspective that when I touch the light inside and shine it outward it no doubt holds more power than spiritual arrogance and or condemnation that let's be frank, often times is hidden behind a myriad of words and posturing that aren't always honest at their root. I like to use my own father as an example. He is the type of person that is very diligent and what some would call serious in regards to his own spiritual life. What over the years made it remarkable to me is the nonjudgmental attitude he would reflect on others in terms of these spiritual principles. It is something that has always stuck with me and has held importance as I journey forward. 

At the same time it is important we honor our feelings and be straightforward with those around us and what I am finding is not at the risk of losing all sense of compassion and sensitive awareness. I truly feel compassion is also about the art of listening without the filter of my own experience and knowing. To understand what someone is expressing without having to sound smart, charismatic or knowledgable. Can I find common ground even with those who have absolutely nothing in common with me?  Can I take in someone fully without hiding behind all my yoga knowledge? Because in truth, we are all born of the same source no matter the life experience or life choices. 

At the heart of knowledge and ritual is compassion. No need to hide behind anything for our ritual and knowledge are tools only and not what we ultimately connect to. 

“Spirit is in a state of grace forever. 

Your reality is only spirit. 

Therefore you are in a state of grace forever. 

(A Course in Miracles)

Holding Space

Outside KPJAYI

"It would be easier to roll up the entire sky into a small cloth than it would be to obtain true happiness without knowing the Self."  

(Upanishads)

I'm in Mysore. In the mist of rounding out my 3rd week today. My 7th trip and as always feels as if I'm coming into something new. I like to be in a space of discovery and exploration within the practice. It takes the edge off. It is important to touch, taste and feel every part of the experience. Even those challenging bits we find ourselves in on occasion. At this point settling in happens with ease but the practice in the shala is always full of surprises. Whether pleasant or unpleasant, witnessing the process of unfolding allows me to sit in a place of neutrality and observation. Understanding what is in and out of my control I can then ride the wave of energy that no matter what courses strong in the room like a steady march.

There have been so many things I have been contemplating lately. The process we all go through from time to time most certainly ebbs and flows in life and recently I have been feeling a flow. So many impressions and mental processes have come to light that sometimes it has been overwhelming. Within all of this I continue to place my heart in the center of it all. With countless hours of practice and study under my belt I am beginning to realize and lean on the simplicity of what it all culminates to. Can I love more openly? Can I live more open heartedly? How often do I rest on my fears and close? Do I extend a hand to the unfamiliar? Am I kind? Because it doesn't matter how many trips I make to Mysore and it doesn't matter how may complicated asanas I can do, if I don't open to the truth it is pointless.

I desire to push myself inside the unknowingness of it all. To look at everything with new eyes. To even come to my mat with a new perspective and curiosity. Because if I place too much importance on structure and the familiar I'm as good as dead, and ultimately building my spiritual home on sand. It isn't easy and sometimes you are stricken for it, but then again, everyone who has done anything of significance came to realize these challenges. Sometimes the path we take isn't accepted by the masses. The truth speaks ever so clearly and the courage to rise up to it can show itself in a myriad of ways. With this realization I can honor various paths and experiences and see the beauty in it all. No matter what differences that stand between, when understanding the truth, all walls tend to crumble.  

Just a Flexi-Girl . . .

“Earnestness is the path of eternity, thoughtlessness the path of death. Those who are in earnest do not die, those who are thoughtless are as if dead already.”  

(Buddha)

"Your just a flex-girl."

This is what a mutual peer and someone I considered a respected friend and colleague, told me a while back while having a conversation on none other than, asana practice. Often, talk has a way of going in that direction for whatever reason. When I heard the remark it took me a back. I was not only surprised but perplexed by the comment because it wasn't used in jest. Perplexed because if I misunderstood came off as if prior years of practice was all so easy. Funny how the act of consistent practice and discipline is never taken into consideration. However, I didn't spend too much time being offended by the comment because to say something like that is one lazy, and reflects more on the shortsighted view point of the one who said it.

So it got me thinking how easy it is to judge another, gravitating toward that something must have made it easier for someone to get where they are. There must be some excuse. It could be in regards to anything. Especially in a community where everyone likes to state their opinions about everything and everyone. It is then easy to miss all that happens in between. Often it is in the human condition that we don't even want to know the truth. We would rather rely on our own shortsighted judgements of someone else using the stories we make up in our heads as actual fact instead of learning a thing or two from the person we judge. In the end we miss a valuable opportunity to learn something.

It happens to the best of us when making snap judgements. This is where the mind likes to take us on any given day and like I said before and what I am realizing now is judgement comes out of laziness and the avoidance of truth. From truth comes responsibility, from truth we have to open rather than close. What we thought we knew may not be and for some a scary place because yes it takes more time to sit down with someone and really get to know them beyond the vision of our own lens. Then our stories don't carry much weight anymore. Wow, what freedom if only willing to step into understanding instead of fault finding!

Beyond judgement it also has me thinking what a disservice it does to comment on someone's practice in that regard or even their physical makeup. I've had a number of students with natural flexibility and in my eyes I'm like, so what. Whether flexible or hyper stable there is a sadhana (spiritual practice) being done and as a teacher I support one's sadhana. The result relies solely on the individual far beyond the performance of asana. It's not necessarily about mastering something external but about exploring each moment in each asana through conscious breath. The beauty viewed in practice stems from an internal alignment. The funny thing is some of my most sincere and humble students may have a few areas of natural ability but that in turn doesn't stop them from desiring to go ever deeper into the essence and truth of what this yoga tradition offers. One can never get the full story from the outside.

I think on another level it saddens me when we reduce things down on a level that in truth doesn't do much good for the one commenting or the one receiving the comment. If we understand that yoga practice leads to self-realization and the actualization of our true potential there isn't much to debate on what one does on the outside. It reminds me of what one student asked during a workshop I taught recently in regards to what I thought of her practice. I simply told her, "You're practicing consistently, I'm already impressed. Many stop long before where you are now. Just keep going. Keep exploring. This is what matters."

Going The Distance

Ranko and I practicing at Ashtanga Yoga Belgrade. Ranko is a true inspiration and I had the pleasure of teaching a weekend intensive with his students. 

“All the while a silent laughter sings, like wind through an open window saying: be deeper still, stand at Zero.” 

(Rumi)

Over the course of the last few months I've had an intense schedule of teaching which in turn means tons of learning every step of the way. As most have experienced when teaching the learning goes hand in hand. I tend to throw myself into the abyss not really sure how I will land. Knowing if it flows from my heart how can I be faulted? In many ways I could give or take the label of teacher because what it feels like from my core is a sharing of experience and a holder of a method of practice I embrace in reverence.

This past year on an internal level was a struggle if I am to be frank. From last winter through the spring I felt the crushing feelings of exhaustion and sadness triggered by various events but also a pouring out of what needed to be burned away. Instead of acting as if it wasn't there I immersed myself in it. I looked at it. I observed the feelings and felt the insurgence of memories I wished never were. Like a flood everything rushed in filling every empty space of my consciousness. Luckily, I had the freedom to feel what it was I needed to feel and to be sad if I needed to feel the sadness. It is never an easy thing for your partner to experience but to have the freedom to simply be without expectation is truly an act of unselfish love.

As the summer approached I slowly started to turn a corner. Through all the ups and downs I continued to work because as the saying goes, life moves on and what we bring forth ultimately heals us. What is the use in holding back? As my energy slowly resurged with a few hiccups here and there then came a sense of softness. Oh how important it is to simply soften. Even though I can feel myself revert I come to understand how within the softening there is a receptivity on a much deeper level as before. There is so much to taste and open to and at the same time I have learned how important it is to keep watch over my energy. I tend to recharge my batteries in a space of silent contemplation, writing, and/or reading. Though it is still a challenge for me to say "no" I have learned how important it is to make time to recharge and be still.

With the approach of the autumn season I had many commitments planned and it all seemed to flow in due order especially in light of honoring the process of unfolding months prior. True in what they say that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I can attest to that. Also looking back I can see how easy it is to be self identified with pain as well thinking as if we are special in some way because of a certain state of disarray. It never ceases to amaze how the importance of gratitude can pull one out of the dumps and into a clearer perspective. Given the opportunity to give space to the feelings is a luxury in which many don't have.

With the passing of the last several months many have touched me deeply as I've soaked in the wisdom of those who have crossed my path. I take it all to heart, in the workshops I've taught to our Mysore students here in Stockholm. We've built a community that has started to stand united in a very short amount of time. It's an energy wave that is headed into an exciting new direction and I feel blessed to be a part of it. It hasn't always been easy, especially in the infancy stages. It is work you must see through at every turn. Where practical experience, steadiness and passion must stand united for there to be growth, honoring the truth of each person I encounter on the mat.

Where there is quality and attention there is love. 

Entering the Void

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."   (Jedi Master Yoda)

The void. In our modern culture we will do anything NOT to feel what it is to sit in the void. Unavoidable, I have found myself here on a number of occasions. Sometimes by choice, others not, and in that I can see the design of modern life does all it can to stop us from entering into this space of empty awareness.  The void, a place of darkness that gives opportunity to experience the light. The light generated from mysterious unknowing.

Void: noun an empty space; emptiness. Something experienced as a loss or privation. Gap or opening; as in a wall. A vacancy; vacuum. 

When looking at the word more thoroughly for some it may seem scary when much of life is defined by how we fit into the world in relationship to others. How we stack up. How we coincide. Going back, my experience has been that I didn't. Growing up biracial never really completely melting with one group or the other I began to understand how important it was for others I be labeled as something. Funny that it wasn't me who was uncomfortable with being in a state of ambiguity it seemed to give more comfort to those around me. Who are you? What are you? Labels and criteria just distance us from truly seeing what is infront of us. With a label we then have set expectations or past experiences downloaded into our psyche at lightening speed. Separation ensues. Moving away from reality and clear observation.

Even the word is confusing because the word has it's own set of limitations depending on the heart and mind of the individual. I guess I could have said spaciousness, silence, emptiness, etc. The important point is it isn't always the most comfortable especially if deep issues of control are present unable to let go to the mystery we call life. Contemplate on it. Even with all the books to be read and all the knowledge we can acquire, what can be known if we are then not willing to sit in the depth of our own being, in the void?

In the void there is a pulsation like a heartbeat, but first there is only nothingness. Within the vast emptiness a lost feeling may arise. There is nothing to lean up against. There is nothing to judge or compare. There is nothing to know or acknowledge. However, never fear, because you are more home than you can ever know. Sit in the silence and feel the rhythm of the unexplained. Come face to face with unadulterated, pure and unlimited potential.

It's a place of pure love and experience. What can be frightening for some is every construct and definition is ultimately shattered, and that's the thing, we don't trust the void enough. This is true for myself, but somehow life keeps pulling me there, to nowhere, to no past and no future. Little by little, step by tiny step, I navigate the space with more clarity or at the very least a semblance of being here before as every seed of faith I have sheds light within the depths of what I can only call my soul's knowing. It's uncomfortable. At times the heat that arises is unbearable, and at others an intense cold, feeling desolate and alone. A flux that can only be described as the rug being pulled beneath without a moments notice to be ready and awake.

The void. The mind is obsolete. The heart knows all. The truth is available. We know it. We are it. I guess the deeper question is will we recognize it?

My Photo Diary: Stockholm Summer

Instagrams

Instagrams

Instagrams

I've always been such a visual person. I like to take in the beauty of my surroundings. I enjoy art, design, and fashion. It's kinda always been in my cells for whatever reason. I think it is in our nature to be creative as we ignite our imaginations. Though I love the art of writing, sometimes a picture has a way of setting a tone, like the old saying goes, "a picture is worth a thousand words." I find this to be very true.

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Let the Practice be the Guide

“Now be silent. Let the One who creates words speak. He made the door, He made the lock, and He also made the key.”

(Rumi)

Practicing and teaching I've experienced resistance  on various levels in myself and have observed it in the students I assist on a daily basis. Sometimes the resistance we face comes across quite clear as it screams at us for attention. Other times it sneaks up without a warning dressed in disguise. Resistance. It's always around lurking. I've been fascinated with the topic in that I've felt it on a personal level over the past six months. It seems to run in cycles often making itself known more prominently at certain times than others. What I have found is acknowledging its presence no matter how much you wish it wasn't there, even in the mist of feeling to simply show up takes every bit of energy you have, there is an opportunity for growth in the struggle. Afterward, when the clouds have cleared usually on the other side of it a wellspring of growth and expansion awaits. 

Allowing what is to be is one of the most arduous of internal practices we face on and off the mat. Because after we have experienced our honeymoon period from attaining the "goodies" of yoga practice have worn off some of the most extensive work is about to begin. This is the yoga. The goodies only give a small taste of the true experience. A fractional glimpse into the eye of the proverbial storm, but we have to go through the storm at some point and resistance is part of that storm. 

Not all situations will be ideal. There will be days our bodies will feel stiff, and our minds will  feel as if it sits within the depths of hell. In turn we may experience apathy and boredom as we are seduced by our expectations of how things should be. Of course, this is the play of the mind and the craving of the ego. There is really is no need to judge when resistance crops up because it is inevitable. However, what will we put in its place? A question worth contemplating. 

I know for me the practice has evolved and changed over the years. In the beginning there was an abundance of excitement and enthusiasm. Everything felt new and every challenge was something that motivated me to tread forward. I still feel this to some extent but more and more the focus rests in the quiet unchanging part of myself because after while the realization that the body is in a constant state of flux and ultimately impermanent is experienced. Change is always happening and acknowledgement of that makes the ride all the more graceful. The important thing to remember is the effort and steadfastness we put forth to practice as we rest in this quiet space of awareness is more important then any of the postural goodies we can acquire. Even in the mist of injury, apathy, boredom, fatigue, and depression, all these struggles must be faced head on and there is really no need to wish it were different. Everything in time passes. Grace happens when we let go of the need for it to be any other way. 

As a teacher it can be one of the most honest discussions I can have with a student. No, it won't always be easy, and no it won't always be fun, but I will tell you, it will be worth it. 

“Underneath all of your desires is a truer desire—the longing for the truth, the longing to be free. This realization can be profoundly liberating because it makes all other desires irrelevant. Getting what you want no longer matters as much as truth. Whether you are comfortable or uncomfortable in the moment no longer matters because what matters is the truth. What matters is Oneness.” 

(Nirmala, Nothing Personal)

Toxic Residue

“The process of finding the truth may not be a process by which we feel increasingly better and better. It may be a process by which we look at things honestly, sincerely, truthfully, and that may or may not be an easy thing to do.”  (Adyashanti) 

Since my last trip to India I have been suffering from low-grade fatigue. I call it low-grade in that I have managed to be fully functional but maybe not at my best. Still able to teach and practice I often found myself wiped out from activity that before didn't take much effort. Now that I'm coming out of the woods, on some level, I've had a chance to reflect and make slow changes where necessary.

My last Mysore trip the practice went rather deep and unleashed what I now call, toxic residue, that well, needed to be brought to the surface, looked at, reflected upon and burned by the fire of tapas through practice, study and self-reflection. What bubbled up wasn't by choice - It happened on it's own. Having to assess every layer of my being, the physical, emotional/mental, and spiritual bodies, I felt a turning point in existence was being brought to the forefront. Simply put, there was no hiding from it. Not this time.

When I entered back into the dark hours of Sweden's winter after two months in Mysore I was surprised to notice a darkness began to arise within me. The hurts, pains, and unresolved emotions that hadn't been fully processed wanted to make themselves known. To assume we don't have this stuff within us is ridiculous, and I for one had to own up to the fact that certain experiences were not to say, well, "it's all good." Sometimes it is not all good, sometimes we suffer, and over the years I have been adept at putting on a face that, "hey that's alright," when being on the brunt end of bad behavior, not admitting that yeah, it stings. Hence, the reason I was so open over the past few months in light of challenging experiences I have had living in Sweden as well as going back even further into my childhood. They were simply experiences and unresolved emotions I had to grapple with, while expressing the intensity of what was coming up. They needed to be felt, looked at and released.

“The real goal of a spiritual tradition should not be ascent, but openness, vulnerability, and this does not require great experiences but, on the contrary, very ordinary ones. Charisma is easy; presence, self-remembering, is terribly difficult, and where the real work lies.” (Morris Berman)

This is one reason why this practice is so amazing and even after nearly 20 years of yoga practice the layers it touches one cannot expect the when or the how, only that it will. Even though the experience has been tough on some level I know on another it's good medicine. To be free we must feel and yoga is a beautiful platform for that. Especially in Ashtanga yoga where we must be concentrated and attentive in every way, delving ever deeper each visit to our mats through the ritual of daily practice.

On a physical level I was just tired. Exhausted. Also, my digestion wasn't working properly, having little to no appetite. I had to put a few things into check. For one, why not cover my bases and do a parasite cleanse. Check. I also drastically cut back on coffee. Funny though, because one couldn't say I was a coffee addict before. I would simply have a small morning soy latte (post practice), however since cutting out the drug we call coffee it has replenished the diminishing returns. Two, Stockholm is extremely dry and really aggravates my Vata dominate side. So implementing the proper routine to stay in balance has been helpful.

On a mental/emotional level I felt heaviness and often sadness. Like a deep well of grief offering itself in a big oceanic wave. Hard to explain only to say it felt like there was no bottom to it. How deep would this sadness go? I was beginning to wonder if there was no end. My thoughts gravitated to past impressions and memories like a flood coming in on it's own accord as if I was powerless to its push forward into the psyche. Alas, there it was in all it's splendor. I began to wonder, why now all of a sudden, and instead of pushing it away I sat in observation and started to ride it out. Accepting that, yeah, I felt heavy and tired, however on a deeper level I knew I just needed to be in it, fully. No numbing. No acting as if it were, "all good."

On a spiritual level all I can say is something was and is desiring to emerge. It is too painful to sit in the shit of the unprocessed simply because I have learned useful coping mechanisms. When layers are being shed there is work to be done otherwise be stifled by the never ending cycle of conditioning. We live in a culture that almost demands that we numb ourselves at every turn of our existence. Who would have thought how challenging it is to live in authenticity when it comes to our true emotions as we touch the light of our center. However, if you were to look around the juice of life is seeping out of most as we coast never being fully immersed in the truth and beauty of who we are. This light of knowing will continue to call us home no matter how strongly we ignore it. It's a whisper that gently speaks, not the loud meanderings of the mind. As I sit in the silence of this presence, knowing full well that a part of me still clings to being small and what I am coming to realize is nothing needs to be done or fulfilled. It's an expansive release. A huge letting go. An unwinding and undoing of everything we thought we knew. It's an unexpected place that goes beyond anything I could have dreamed up in my limited little mind.

My Week(s) in Photos

"Sit quietly and close your eyes. The light within is sufficient."   (Marianne Williamson)

My week in photos. Well, to be honest these photographs were taken over the course of several weeks, but whose counting?! I'd like to make this a weekly feature on my blog. Next time a more accurate feature, haha. When spring finally makes an appearance in Stockholm, it explodes. Believe me, it is the most welcome sight for those who live here. I especially had a harder time this past winter and believe it or not, the Spring has been one of the coldest on record. Wonder what the Summer has in store for us? I only have a few little jaunts to take but will be spending most my time in Sweden. Summer can alway be mixed bag and never a sure thing. I'll cross my fingers! 

Forgiving in Unforgiving

“When you stand and share your story in an empowering way, your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else. - Iyanla Vanzant 

Truth. I haven't had a relationship with my mother in almost 15 years. Why? Sometimes I don't even know why. In an act of transparency I am coming out with it. It's not always easy to talk about challenging situations, especially when it comes to family. Life is messy, and doesn't always come in pretty little boxes like we may want to portray. For as long as I can remember my relationship with my mother has been strained. I never understood her even as a young child. No deep closeness. It's one of those things where karmically there wasn't a deep bond. I can't explain exactly why it was like this only that it was.

I think in many ways I came into this life strong willed. I seemed to have clear idea of things. I was creative and boisterous, definitely curious. Especially curious in regards to God, religion and philosophy. Strange, I know. At the same time I could be lost in my imagination. My dreams were relentless. I also struggled with thoughts on death. Contemplating what would happen to me when I died. Blackness was all I could feel. Nothingness. I could scare myself just thinking about. These things I never talked to my parents about. At the same time I felt a strong presence around me at times. Because of a certain amount of sensitivity I held, I could take on the heaviness of others. I could easily absorb it. Especially from my parents. Somehow I felt responsible for everything.

I never had a teenage rebellion. Maybe I should have. There was no room for it, truthfully. I was a good kid (yawn). Years of perfect attendance, a cheerleader, an honor student on and off. I was funny about school. Often I didn't have the drive to make the grades and then I would easily turn it around and make it, even when taking A.P. courses. It didn't seem to matter. For the most part learning in the traditional sense was boring. I didn't like playing the game. Soon, I learned I had to, and at the same time I learned the difference between book smarts and intuitive common sense. They didn't always go hand in hand. I always thought it interesting that book smarts seemed to take precedence in the eyes of many, especially my mother who didn't approve of my lack of motivation at times. When I was inspired I excelled often to the adulation of my teachers. I new how to work it, garnering my teachers' praises on numerous occasions. Then I'd ask myself is this all there is?

You see, even though I never made waves somehow I was often met with my Mother's disapproval for whatever reason. I still to this day don't fully understand it. One of life's great mysteries. I managed to graduate highschool never drinking a drop of alcohol, never smoking cigarettes, never experimenting with illegal drugs and/or having sex. Yes, bor-ring. I never started arguments because most discussions were established on a one way street and often an interrogation would ensue on the most intense level. She talked, I listened, and often for many hours. It was drilled into me that I must at all costs respect because she was an elder and of course my mother. There was never room for discussion beyond that and I wasn't allowed to question it.

I was groomed to live in fear of her ramifications, punishments, and mood swings. Even to the point where teachers reported signs of those ramifications to authorities. A part of me died then and through the years I have done my best to bring the young girl who has laid dormant since then back to life. But would I change the experience looking back on it? I really can't say that I would. Through the challenges it only quickened me to find an authenticity and truth that maybe if my life would have been more comfortable I might not have so hungrily searched for. I can't deny or judge the complexity that is called my life, or better yet, my story, because it is simply that. I can stand at a point where somehow it was what needed to take place.

However, there came a point where I had to finally admit the nature of my relationship with my mother was simply toxic, with most phone conversations leaving me in a puddle of tears, filled with self doubt. I seemed to be the object of her provocation that I never understood at the time. I felt as if it wasn't enough that I hurt; I needed to be crushed and shattered before any form of satisfaction took place. When my mother gave me back a pile of childhood photos that used to hang on the wall in the home of my upbringing as a sign of her distaste I gave up. I needed to pick up the pieces one by one and build myself anew. So I did, as I allowed the healing to take place.

Through the years many have asked why at certain times am I withdrawn or quiet, and I can honestly say my default can easily slide into that young girl who wanted to fall apart and let go, and couldn't, because keeping some type of stability in tact was the only thing she could rely on. Through it all, even the times I have felt completely lost, with no chance of certainty, God's grace would prevail somehow, someway. This is how I came to believe on a experiential level. To know that everything is grace, even pain and confusion.

Grace is everywhere. There is learning in everything. I think when brought face to face with the challenges of life or feeling like your experience is so different from those around you can bring one to live in grace and/or to become graceful. It's a practice of sorts. Why share this now? In the end this is simply a story I have experienced and doesn't have to cause me to live in bitterness or doubt. People do the best they can with what they know or with the awareness they hold at any given time. My life has been far from perfect and in that I can then lean on the perfection that connects us all. 

Go Forth

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes a sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."

- Melody Beattie

Stepping back and accessing my life give opportunity to relive a few cringe moments. How harsh we judge ourselves. I'm the first to admit. My life in Sweden has definitely had it's share of ups and downs. When I first moved here it was a place that could do no wrong and in many ways this still holds true. Efficient, clean, safe, beautiful . . . and well, sometimes . . . gasp . . . dare I say, well, boring. I know, I can't believe I'm saying it! Hence, I think this is the natural course of events when settling down to a place. There's gotta be something to complain about. This past winter was more of a challenge to pick myself up. The newness of my environment had obviously worn off. I felt resistance rise up inside me and the battle with the status quo that is so evident in this part of the world. Yes, the battle. To soften the resistance I made an effort to consciously practice gratitude. Count my blessings no matter how small to keep the mind straight.  So, now that I've stayed in one place, no running around, I actually have some semblance of a home, a steadiness of mind becomes even more essential without the stimuli of new. Bordem is a block. Isn't it interesting how the mind likes to focus on the lowest common denominator? Always. Turning the ordinary into extraordinary is possible. At the very least, I'd like to try.

I'm in a country that is more pulled back and I keep getting a sense I want to step out. Dealing with the contrast can be a challenge. Well, I really have no choice at this point. I just hope the curious, enthusiastic part of myself never burns up in smoke. I like this American aspect and find it refreshing. I like that I wanna step outside the norm from time to time and not have to feel bad for it. So, I have accepted that some around me may not approve, may even be fearful and I no longer need to bear the responsibility of others reactions. I have always appreciated people's differences especially when it comes from a place of passionate focus for leading the life those are determined to live. It opens me up even if it is strikingly different from my own. I'll never get bored of that, and I am not necessarily saying that one needs to be different for the sake of it, but what I am saying is when striking a cord within, it feels too stifling not to share it or at least express it. I've learned no matter where you are these kindred spirits come out of the woodwork come what may, and I love that.

I see how the cultural mores of our times carry much less significance. It's a smaller more connected world. We can communicate and inspire each other in ways that were not possible even twenty years ago. It's amazing, and that's what I have to keep remembering. It's a small world, and yet so vast, filled with infinite possibilities, and somehow over the past few months I had forgotten that. It's really something, finding myself in a web of disillusionment, and I'll be the first to admit that I have, and that's okay. I've never been one to hide behind the fact that I go through stuff. Often. If we don't rub against the resistance, then how will we ever know? If we numb our pains how will we ever grow? No numbing, I can't, and it's been hard, I tell you, but there is still something inside me that whispers in my ear ... Go forth.

Keep going. 

I am Nothing. I am Everything.

A thousand half-loves must be forsaken to take one whole heart home.  

- Rumi

I am nothing. I am everything. I dance between the two living in a confusing world of contrast. Stepping into the fullness of my being and feeling a sense of awe at the emptiness I feel at times leaves me spinning. I live in this pulsation. Unknowing as to why, alas I keep moving forward. I wish it were easy and then I remember that is not what I signed up for.

 I wanna be ALIVE.