Taking one risk at a time...

To live dangerously means to live life as if each moment is its own end. Each moment has its own intrinsic value.
And you are not afraid.
And you know death is there and you accept the fact that death is there, and you are not hiding against death.
In fact, you go and encounter death. You enjoy those moments of encountering death -- physically, psychologically, spiritually.
Enjoying those moments where you come directly in contact with death, where death becomes almost a reality, is what I mean when I say live dangerously.

Love brings you face to face with death.
Meditation brings you face to face with death.
Coming to a master is coming to your own death.
Facing somebody who has disappeared, is entering an abyss in which you can be lost, and you can become an anagamin.
Those who are courageous, they go headlong.
They search all opportunities of danger.
Their life philosophy is not that of insurance companies.
Their life philosophy is that of a mountain climber, a glider, a surfer.
And not only in the outside seas they surf; they surf in their innermost seas. And not only on the outside they climb Alps and Himalayas; they seek inner peaks.
But remember one thing -- never forget the art of risking, never never. Always remain capable of risking. And wherever you can find an opportunity to risk, never miss it, and you will never be a loser. Risk is the only guarantee for being truly alive.

~Osho

When I read this piece by Osho it gave me chills...in a good way. Death is something I used to fear...and to some point I still do...because in truth there is an element of the unknown I must contend with. However, the deeper I delve into my yoga and meditation practices it becomes evident that we are so much more and that death is simply a transition of the soul...of our true essence. And, the experiences of love, light and gratitude is what we get to take with us...that is why it is so important to revel in these positive states of mind...and not get too caught up in the material...not to look badly upon it...but to know how to put all that stuff in its rightful place in comparison to the 'real stuff'...like love, connection, and compassion...and when we realize this...then we are truly living.

I have been incredibly inspired by something...after doing a 40 day meditation and writing exercise...the right stuff came at the right time...but, really through this experience I have become settled enough to break open my heart and sit with what is 'real' and I'm finding where my true intelligence lies...and that is within my heart...Not!...with in the antics of the mind. And let me tell you...that has been an interesting nut to crack...especially this noggin of mine! But, I'm settling with it all...no need to have 'control'...this can be frightening, but it doesn't have to be...I'm finding its just so much easier to let go...Cause...yeah...part of me wants to disappear into the abyss...I wanna forget everything that has been centered around...me, me, me, me, me...that doesn't seem to matter anymore...somehow...I dunno...its strange...this shift that's taking place. I'm really not all that important...what's important is connecting to something much bigger than myself...

One more thing...I have to dedicate this post to Poshia...my best friend's cat who died today of a brain tumor. I swear, you were the coolest cat I have ever known...you have taught me how precious life really is...thank you...

The Goal...Just Be...Be Happy

"It is the function of art to renew our perception. What we are familiar with we cease to see. The writer shakes up the familiar scene, and, as if by magic, we see a new meaning in it."
~Anais Nin

So...the last several months I have spent much time alone...mostly out of choice. But, also from circumstance. Not sure if it is a good thing or bad, but it is what it is. However, in the last several weeks I have made some attempt to get myself out of hibernation. I just feel like I'm still cooking from my 5 month trip and there are things that I feel I still need to sit with...and if I were to hurry and distract myself...something would be missing...So...there has been alot of sitting...and being. And, I'll admit it has made me very uncomfortable at times. Because so much of our culture is about doing...for the sake of doing. Its almost like I'm getting in touch with a truer side of myself so when I start doing...I will be more conscious next go around...and not just doing for the sake of doing. A dear friend I met in India really had a beautiful way of explaining the concept of being...sitting back, connecting within first before acting, and sometimes the most important part of the process is not doing anything at all. Does that make sense? I dunno.

When I look back, I'll admit I have been very goal oriented. Look, I'm not saying its bad to have goals...its a good thing. But, where I went wrong is I thought every goal I achieved would bring some sort of peace, solace...happiness...and well...I have found that isn't always the case. Sounds like a bad case of attachment to results to me. Ha!

Recently, I was looking over some old photos of when I was a cheerleader at OSU...and I'm looking at this girl like wow...how did I have the energy? I mean...I was on the quest for perfection. My makeup was always perfect...I was a size 0 (and I still thought I was fat!! ugh!)...I wanted to be the best, almost at any cost...but sad thing about looking back...I don't think I nearly enjoyed all those moments as much as I should have, because I was always looking forward, not relishing what was right in front of me...its not like I'm stuck in the past with regret...but its interesting just to learn from it...and how painful it can still feel at times...I don't even know who that girl is anymore, but I have compassion for her, and she was only doing the best she could with what she knew.

How funny too! I'll never forget my first workshop with Tim Miller...he had us experimenting with several postures...and he looks at me and simply says...in his way..."goal-oriented"...I mean, I could've gotten pissed that he called me out...but...honestly I was like...shit!! He's got me figured out...there's no way of hiding it. Every time I spend time with him he always says something to me that's dead on...its almost spooky. I guess that's what happens when you reach a certain point of awareness as a teacher and student of yoga. Its amazing.

So...I'm trying this new way of being on for size. Now I know why I have felt such a connection to my practice. Its one of the few places where I can just be...without any expectations...its one of the few places I truly feel grace...but the challenge and the true purpose...is to allow that grace to filter into everyday life...I'm slowly learning...

Just a thought...

"The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself."
~Anais Nin

At the heart of everything is a truth...so what is this truth?...well simple...its love...if love conquers all...then why don't we turn to it more often? If that is what we are in our most extraordinary simple form...why don't we trust it...Just a thought...I'm not talking about loving just our family, friends and significant others...I mean as a whole...what makes us feel like we are separate from one another? Again, I'm in one of these moods, pondering, wondering, questioning.

The Most Important Journey

"We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls"
~Anais Nin

I'm a traveler at heart...its strange too because I love airports. I enjoy the vibe of feeling like I'm going somewhere and others are doing the same. Its that wanderlust in me that I know isn't going anywhere anytime soon...its in my blood...its in my soul. However, no matter where I run off too...or who I meet along the way...the most important journey...the most important place to connect to is with in. It doesn't necessarily take going off to distant exotic places to connect to something greater that in reality is felt deep with in one's heart and soul. That can be done anywhere...even in the most mundane of places. But, I have found that some places seem to have the environment of making that connection a bit easier than others. Sometimes that is just the way it is.
So...I'm breathing in my new life...and...I feel good about it...because its all about NOW...this moment...and being at peace with it. Isn't that what all this yoga practice is about anyway. All the hours put into it...to experience pure...unadulterated being!!! Ahhhhh...there is no other place I would rather be...

Another Moment of Truth...

"There are few human beings who receive truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic." ~Anais Nin

Truth...that is always a loaded word. Striking to the cord of things...eliminating bullshit, so to speak. The more I delve in...the more I am fascinated by it...and, sometimes it is something that we don't want to face. As of late I have had to come face to face with myself and own up to some things I don't like...and that is all part of it...part of the growth to look at the good, the bad and the ugly. I think about those in history who have had the courage to speak the truth and live it...and had utmost faith in the universal truths that are behind the whole matrix of life and the universe. But one thing I am having to discover is that it takes the utmost courage to live and connect to this way...and to have faith in it...So...Where am I going with this?? I don't even know. I'm at a strange point in my life right now where I feel as if I am questioning any and everything. It's been something else. Why? Why can't I just go on my merry little way and not have a care in the world. I dunno...something has stirred and I don't even know what to make of it. I have also come to find when discovering one's truth it can make others uncomfortable or may even make you an unpopular person in the short run. So... that must be where courage comes in...and where you have to set aside your ego...yeah...this post doesn't make much sense...but I'm learning some interesting lessons...

"Truth is something which can't be told in a few words. Those who simplify the universe only reduce the expansion of its meaning."
~Anais Nin


In the silence I have discovered something special. And, isn't it interesting how much of our culture teaches us to deviate from that. To be silent. Or, to just listen. Stopping for a moment to feel...instead of being numb. We do all we can to run away from the pain. Hey! I'm guilty of it. But I always remember something Tim Miller said in a workshop...something like...it takes a thorn to dig out a thorn...meaning, it can be painful to release something painful...but in the end, obviously, we are better for it. At this moment in time I'm getting in touch with my 'blocks'. You know, those pesky things that get in the way of our true nature. However, I'm taking a gentler approach to them this time around. Just observing them...trying not to resist them or push them away...looking at it...seeing them for what they really are...Not being part of my true being...and simply releasing them. Its so funny how they start to just bubble up in certain situations. And, thankfully I have been able to put most of them in check. But, the gentle approach seems to be working. I truly believe the more one resists the more things persists.

I have still been continuing with my daily practice on my own...totally on my own. I haven't taken any classes. I haven't felt the need. I enjoy the alchemy that happens when alone practicing. If one is open to it...magic has a way of stepping in. Because, it becomes something that has nothing to do with anyone else. Its just you. And, many times we run from ourselves. So even though it has been challenging at times...I see it as an adventure. An exploration into my own depth of being...tapping into a deep well of something...training the mind to stop. Wow, that has been a challenge. No running, no hiding...here I am!

P.S. Just launched my new online scrapbook, check it out.

"Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country."
~Anais Nin

I love the above quote...It has really rung true for me. Not only did I throw my dreams into space like a kite...but most of my money too! But, that's me. And, I have always been pretty resourceful. Open to trying new things...leaving caution to the wind. A dear friend I met in Mysore told me you can always make more money...but the experiences you create and live for are worth something. They are worth everything.
Now I know my life will never be the same...I'm not the same...the shift has taken place and has continued. I couldn't even fight it if I tried. This flower is slowly starting to bloom into something...in due time. I've made many new friends...and have really learned to appreciate the ones that I have. Its amazing. I've found love...unexpectedly, like a strong magnetic force that drew me in...in a way that feels like it was beyond my control. And yes, I fell in love with a country...India. When I go back...its gonna feel like coming home. Another home. It feels good to have several places that feel that way. That bring out a different part of yourself. It nice. Its all good. So...let's see what happens next...

"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it."
~Anais Nin

Motives & Thoughts

Tittibhasana to Bakasana

"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death."

Anais Nin

Sounds Like Fun...Heck! Why not go for it

"A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions."
~Oliver Wendell Holmes

I had mentioned earlier about heading down a new frontier. And, well...In reality I am heading down many new paths, in almost every avenue of my life. Its scary and exciting at the same time. However, I am thrilled about a new opportunity that came my way. For the past several months I have felt a calling to enter into writing. With no experience, and having nothing even being close to being published, besides my blog, I wasn't quite sure where to start on this venture...but when one is willing somehow doors seem to open up. I came across a gig where they were looking for a fashion writer. Well, anyone who knows me...knows I love fashion. So...I got in contact with the company and secured a meeting/interview. Well, they liked me and hired me...and I have already written my first article. It was so gratifying to submit my first written work. And, I actually got positive props for it. So...just today I got the dates...and I'll be going to New York Fashion Week in February writing on the 2008 Fall collections, then off to LA Fashion Week in March, and Miami Fashion week to cover the swim wear collections. I couldn't be more enthusiastic about this opportunity. I took a risk and went for it...The funny thing is...They want me to do camera work too. I wasn't expecting that, but I'm always game. Always. New horizons are the exhilarating parts of life...and I don't ever want to take my dreams for granted. I got my practice to ground me...and my dreams to stretch me as I high as I will go. Sky's the limit.

Jump Back~Jump Through

"We jump into it. We slide into it. We tiptoe into it. We move toward it however we can. We explore the reality and unpredictability of insecurity and pain, and we try not to push it away. If it takes years, if it takes lifetimes, we let it be as it is. At our own pace, without speed or aggression, we move down and down and down. With us move millions of others, our companions in awakening from fear."

(excerpt from When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron)

My world it moves so fast today
The past it seems so far away
And I squeeze it so tight, I can't breathe
And every time I try to be
What someone has thought of me
So caught up, I wasn't able to achieve
But deep in my heart the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny
I look at my environment
And wonder where the fire went
What happened to everything we used to be
I hear so many cry for help
Searching outside of themselves
Now I know His strength is within me
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny
And deep in my heart the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny

(Miseducation of Lauryn Hill Lyrics)

This is a popular quote that many already know well...but it one of my favorites and it's always nice to have reminder...


Our deepest fear is no that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure about you. We are born to manifest the glory of God that is with in us, its in everyone. And as we lest our own light shine, we unconsciously give others the permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson

"I will not be just a tourist in the world of images, just watching images passing by which I cannot live in, make love to, possess as permanent sources of joy and ecstasy."

~Anais Nin

A New Frontier

"I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing"
~Anais Nin

I'm breaking into a whole new frontier...starting something new. I'll let the cat out of the bag a bit later...But, anyway...Before, I was feeling bad about starting over and having the sense of instability. But, I talked myself out of that real quick...because I'm gonna dare to live my dreams...and follow my passion...and before I could do that I had to let go of alot of junk...alot of stuff...and even though the ground is a bit shaky...I'm not gonna freak out. I'm gonna stay calm. I've been feeding my soul...practicing everyday, riding my bike, writing, meditating, eating healthy foods...just so I have a sense of clarity and focus, instead of feeding the fear, the worry, and anxiety with things that make all that worse. I've been given so many great tools, from friends, to confidants, to teachers, and masters. Now! Its time to put those tools to the test. All I need is focus and a big dose of faith...let's see where the chips may fall. Life is supposed be an adventure.