Healthy Pride

"I must be a mermaid. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living."


- Anïs Nin

Being sick. Yeah, a foreign concept to those who practice yoga. Yes, I'm being cheeky. You'll just have to deal with my sarcasm since I'm not feeling well at the moment. Does that give me license? I like to think so. So here I am, after a full day of being in bed. I can't remember the last time I had to lie in bed all day, if ever. I've been forced to contemplate many things while lying here.

I have an interesting history with illness. Well let's see now, I was never really allowed to be sick. I hate to say it but my mother hated when my sister and I were sick. Often I would suppress not feeling well for the sake of not bringing any attention to myself. No coddling. Never! I was one of those kids who had years of perfect attendance at school because I would literally have to be dying not to make it. Except the time I caught some crazy flu where I was so dizzy I couldn't walk straight much less walk to the bus stop. I stayed in for like the first time ever in my childhood.

Truthfully, I was a healthy kid for the most part. I didn't catch nearly half of the nasty bugs that went around when young. Somehow, I never caught the chicken pox either. To this day I am not sure how that happened because my sister contracted it. So I guess you can say I'm lucky or maybe not so lucky if I were to get it as an adult. Yikes!

To tell you the truth I wish I would have had more freedom to feel what I was feeling when it came to illness. To give myself the option to rest and renew. Because of how I was raised it's been a challenge to feel worthy of time to let an illness ride itself out. Then there was a phase where being sick just wasn't an option on any level. Thankfully I've out grown that to some extent.

I've observed an interesting phenomenon being in the yoga community, however. It's almost like the denial of coming down with a cold or a sniffle is common place. When at a party over 3 weeks ago the guest of honor had mentioned how there's a nasty throat virus going around and that his girlfriend was unable to attend. At the time, I had the impression, yeah that's what everyone else gets, not me. From then until now I've seen this virus take a few people out. Especially with a few yoga teachers. When I would make the comment that someone didn't look so good quickly I would be told, oh it's nothing, really. Or another comment was, I never get sick. I haven't had a cold in over three years. One teacher told me this over and over again. I got it the first time, mind you. Interesting this denial that we get sick. Reminds me of when one of my closest friends, who also practices and teaches yoga, almost seemed bitter to have come down with a cold. Her last illness was nearly 5 years ago! So she says. Once again, I was reassured by her, over and over again, this type of thing just doesn't happen. A quick tonic of herbs brewed, drunk down, and it will be as good as gone, I was told. Well, let's just say it didn't really happen that way. The sniffle rode itself out in due time as usual.

Do we have health pride? Because we do yoga and eat organic foods are we somehow above human protocol?

So about a week ago a tickle started to manifest in my throat. Yeah. From what I heard this is how it starts, as an innocent tickle. Not a good sign. I mentioned to a colleague of mine that I thought I was coming down with something which I was quickly told that she never catches anything. Did I ask? Nooooooo. However, yes, I was reminded of the strength and vitality of her immune system, never mind mine.

So I caught this damned throat virus, big deal. It's my time. I'm due. However, through this experience I'm left wondering if some of us have become prideful with the lifestyles we have chosen? If somehow we have risen above a certain apex of human evolution (delusion) because we won't accept anything less, much less being sick. Like somehow we are better people if we don't come down with these common human conditions.

In many ways I have felt relief to finally accept that illness comes and goes and the importance of rest and renewal. It's okay. Not the end of the world. I have had to deal with the guilt of staying home from work. Something that I will always have to deal with because of the circumstances of my upbringing and temperament. You know, we all have our stuff.

As I lay here I realize being able to relate to the human condition seems much more worthwhile than having the illusion of rising above it. In the end resistance is another pattern no matter how we slice it. Relating to all that is around, our differences, our weakness, our strengths gives rise to compassion, that yeah, we're here in these bodies just trying to make sense of it all.

Mysore Cleanse

“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.”   - Oscar Wilde

My welcome back to India included a night from hell. Food poisoning. Ugh. Lesson learned. I understand the meaning of mindlessness. We picked up a bag of mung beans, raw, from the store to make a salad with friends. This is something you never want to do in India. Meaning, eating raw sprouts, store bought. Against our better judgment we did just that. It was a mistake I will never make again. Ugh.

A night of vomiting, mixed with diarrhea, often at the same time, in addition to body shakes and aches. Ohhhh.  What a night. I took the entire next day to recover. Needless to say I didn't make it to practice in the morning. My first Mysore practice since being back. Those are the breaks.

Recovery. I slept, slept, and slept some more. With today being a moon day, more rest. Jokingly, we around here, call it the Mysore cleanse. Something that isn't entirely uncommon, but can be avoided.

I guess there is no better way to start out our stay here. Knocking it out from the very beginning. Now I must rest, and rest some more. I have practice in the morning.

Back to Normal

In that moment, by divine favor and the spiritual assistance of the sheikh, my heart was opened. I saw that within me was something resembling an overturned cup; when this object was stood upright, a feeling of limitless happiness filled my being.

~Tevekkul-Beg

Ok...Think I'm out of the dark. The stomach sickness has passed...let's hope...cross your fingers. On Sunday I thought it had passed, to have it come knock, knocking on my door yesterday making another appearance live and in color. Had some of the worst pains...anyway...glad that's over. Been cleaning up my diet...maybe that's what did me in. Too much arugula? Not sure...

Its always in my nature to dig deeper...so I did a bit of research on the unconscious causes of stomach/digestive issues. Following is something I found by Louise Hay.


Stomach

The stomach represents digestion, not only of food and physical nutrients, but of new ideas, new ways of doing things, and accepting change of any kind. The Stomach is nothing more than a big flexible bag of muscle whose job it is to ripen and rot whatever is put into it. That is, its job is to break down what is put into it into a form that the body can deal with. This it does by adding Hydrochloric Acid, Hormones, Enzymes and Bile which reduces every sold morsel into an undifferentiated mass called Chyme. Simultaneously it rocks back and forth swishing and swilling this mess until it is liquefied and able to pass through the small Pyloric Valve into the Small Intestine where the actual absorption of nutrients mostly takes place. Metaphysically, when we come upon a new idea or a new way of doing things, the process is similar. First we must swallow the idea, either whole or in handy bite sized morsels, break it down into a form we can handle and finally absorb that which we need to nourish ourselves. In the same way that a bad diet poisons the body, toxic ideas, suppressed emotions and resistance to change can have a poisoning effect. In traditional Chinese Medicine, long standing emotional disharmony is seen as a primary cause of disease. Strengthening the Spleen/Stomach which between them are responsible for transforming food and water into Qi, and transporting it throughout the body, is seen as a key strategy to deal with almost any disease. Metaphysically we need to nourish ourselves every day, just as we need to eat nourishing foods. Just as the physical body needs nourishment to grow and carry on its day to day activities, so do the Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual bodies. Metaphysically, 'wellness' is not accomplished by a change in diet alone. Louise Hay suggests that the stomach holds nourishment, digests ideas. Problems indicate dread, fear of the new, and an inability to assimilate the new.

~Louise Hay


Practice in the early a.m. felt good. However, I was a bit all over place because my body felt lighter. Well, physically it was...Could tell I lost several pounds in the last few days from the stomach issue. So, in some of the lifts and arm balances I was thrown a bit off balance. But, its all good. Just have to make the proper adjustments. Ahhh...it feels so much better to be back to normal...

Avidya. Avidya. Avidya.

Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.

~Albert Einstein

Avidya ~ In yoga, identification with anything that is impermanent is called ignorance.


Gotta love the practice of avidya...its been my lesson for the year. Mother f-ing...avidya. Now, now. I'm not saying it isn't a worthy practice to implement. All I'm saying is that sometimes its not all that fun. Especially since every moment I get a chance, it gets slapped in my face. Hahaha. Anyway. Whatever, life goes on.

My day yesterday started off with a bout of nausea...which later subsided during morning practice. Then, off to meet 'the girls' at the park for a walk/workout session. My morning practice group is embarking on a 10lb weight loss challenge with their respective husbands. I don't really see where the ladies need to loose, but whatever...I think its great motivation when uniting in a group to achieve a goal. I've passed on the challenge...10lbs off would be a bit much for my frame...but, It just might happen with this bout of sickness I've gotten...However, I'm giving up coffee with the rest of them, and enjoying doing a little extra on the side.

I was gonna ride my bike out to the park to meet the group. But, alas, my mountain bike was stolen. Fuck!! Ok...had to get that out of my system. Just another material object to lighten my load...right? Well, I wish I would have taken it with grace, but it really pissed me off at the moment. But, life goes on...

Well, my nausea...and stomach pain came back in full effect later in the day. Lasted through the night and into the morning. Pain, no appetite, nausea. Was it the sprouts I ate? Dunno. Well, I almost skipped practice this morning...but, there are always these invisible hands that push me out of bed no matter what. During practice I felt better. After practice everything got worse...more stomach pain...no appetite, nausea, tired...small headache coming on. I crashed after practice. Woke up around noon...felt dehydrated...drank water, ate some non-dairy vanilla ice cream...which still bothered my stomach. Then I slept again...and here I am writing this post. :) Stomach still feels...blech! What's got me twisted up in knots?

Well...with everything, I booked my airline ticket today for the overseas yoga teaching gig. So, things are moving along in that area.

I'm excited, and at the same time apprehensive about the experience to come. Its natural...right?

It is my sincere wish that I will be of utmost service to the students. All I truly have is my passion for the practice, and a heartfelt aspiration to guide others in accessing the awareness within...holding a space for transformation. Seems like a tall order. But in the end I know it is not me doing the work...but the intent...a higher energy is working through me...A pretty special place to stand.

When the student is ready...the teacher appears...

Yeah...I've been on hiatus with the blog...but, I just needed time to be. After getting ill...and being up and around on my feet...it took about a week to feel normal again...like 100%. I was still getting bouts of dizziness...and low appetite...but all that has passed now and things look bright. Even, some of this monsoon stuff has slacked off a bit...which I am extremely happy about. The weather today was absolutely beautiful.
As for practice...I don't know how to explain it...but it has gone up to a whole other level after being ill. It was like I was cleansed of something...like it needed to happen to me for some reason or other. Also, I feel like Sharath is becoming my teacher...like he's my teacher now! Its so exciting. I wasn't sure if I would come to this conclusion ever...but he is...my teacher. Its becoming more evident that there doesn't need to be much commentary in a student/teacher relationship. Sharath was adjusting me in back-bending and all he said was one word...and it made all the difference. One simple word...at the right time...at the right moment...he didn't need to go through the whole anatomy of the posture and break it down bit by bit. Just do it...just breath...just be...its all so simple. Its so funny how through our minds we can even make yoga complicated...and it doesn't have to be. It goes beyond the mind. It resides in a space where no thinking is involved...its a deeper sense...a deeper sense of wisdom that bubbles up from inside...and you can never get it from outside yourself...never. There are unlimited riches within...unlimited! Peace.

Not a matter of if...but when...

So...not too long ago when I recently arrived here in Mysore...I was told...its not a matter if your gonna get sick in India...but a matter of when. When I heard this I was like...yeah right...bring it. So about a week ago it was brought...in a nice little package disguised as a little tickle in the back of my throat...that ended up as a pounding, sledge-hammering, monster of a headache...a lovely 3 day fever, hacking cough, nausea, dizziness, fatigue, and some of the worst body aches I've ever experienced. Okay, okay...so no big deal. But when your laid up in your room for four days your mind starts to unravel. When your far away from home and your fully clothed layers deep under three heavy blankets shivering uncontrollably...you start to think...do I have malaria? Damn. Which by the way I don't! But, it crosses your mind...among other things when your laid up for too long. Like when you walk to the bathroom and you feel as if your walking on a 45 degree angle...you start to think...what the f#@* is wrong with me? When you start to recall vast experiences in your past like an unwinding type...you start to think...isn't this what happens at your death? Of course, I'm being a bit dramatic...but weird thing is that did happen...I had the clearest memory recall of my past just play out as I lay delirious at the height of my fever. Or maybe some of my brain cells started frying...which...explains a couple things. Oops. Never mind. However, the good news is...its all good...its over...I'm just a bit weak...and my pants are a couple sizes big...but I'm healthy and I was able to practice again today...which was absolutely hilarious. If I thought for moment that I was gonna be able to jump in and practice all fancy free...those hopes were dashed after the first standing forward bend in Sun Salutations...I almost tumbled over...no joke...I was still a bit dizzy...my equilibrium was waaaaaay off. Every time during standing postures when I would come back to samasthitih I would totally loose my balance...very embarrassing. Its really interesting practicing when your physically off center...but your doing your best to be in a state of equanimity. Fascinating stuff. I was a bit winded too...or was that because we did the whole primary series in 60 minutes? I am not kidding about that one...Pattabhi lead class today and he seemed to have more energy than ever...it was great. Peace.

Oh yes...I have to add...it isn't a given that you'll get sick if you come here...many people come and go without becoming ill. Also, I would like to thank those who helped me out while I was down and out...Thanks to Elle, Emily, Trisha, Satu, and Regi. Bless you.

Sick

"He who finds a thought that enables him to obtain a slightly deeper glimpse into the eternal secrets of nature has been given a great grace." -Albert Einstein

Well...yep...I got sick...came on yesterday mid-afternoon...and to be honest I haven't felt this bad in a long time. Fever, chills, body aches, nausea, sore throat, cough and headache...Me no like! Yeah...and I'm just a bit delierious. There is something about being sick that makes you crave the comfort of what's known. I do feel a bit alone...for all I can manage are trips to the bathroom and kitchen for some ginger lemon honey tea...I'm not well enough to go out and mingle. Hmmm....maybe I shouldn't ride on the back of motorcycles, after a sweaty workout in the rain. When will I learn...probably never. Whatever this is...its been going around. Sharath and Sarawati have been ill as well...however, they have continued to teach. So...in the mean time...I'll be in bed.