Tortured Soul

"I never fall apart because I never fall together"     (Andy Warhol)

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

(Helen Keller)

A tortured soul. For as long as I can remember I feel like I've been one. Though seemingly calm on the exterior I've always felt the depth of my own uncertainty. Yes, there have been glimpses of knowing. Knowing with utmost certainty. There have been times the voice inside spoke louder than my own fears, as I walked forward perplexed as to why. Those instances have garnered a wealth of understanding. However in that, with deeper understanding I've come into deeper unknowing. Deeper confusion at times. What I feel is that you can't always grasp onto insights as if your life depended on it. We delve in, then once again come to a place of unknowing.

There are days I'm in utter confusion. Angry even. Asking myself why, and what is it all for? Painful. Though I've felt unspeakable pain, in that, I've felt unspeakable joy. Must I have one to experience the other? I'm not sure. What I know now is I'm not sure of anything.

So here I am. Here I sit. Maybe that is all I can do. The feelings. Feel as if they'll consume me whole. Will I ever be free of it? Something tells me that might be too much to ask.

No matter. More and more, I just want to be free, but in the same breath, I don't know how, and not sure if I ever will. I see how locked I can be in my own mind. The chains are of my own making. Yes. I'm sounding highly mellow dramatic. It's the way it is. It's what I'm feeling. This too will pass. Then tomorrow I'll be filled with love, and compassion. Cross your fingers, lol. But why the tug? Why such strong feelings, back and forth. Forth and back. One day, feelings of oneness, the next, feeling desperately separate. Often I feel alone in this knowing. That too is an illusion. However, it's not enough to know it in theoretical sense. I wanna taste it.

So whatever.

I can be honest regarding what I struggle and wrestle with. One has to. Even with no regrets I see how I didn't consciously choose a path of comfort. I didn't choose a path of security either. I could have. Maybe I should have, but at what cost? The cost was too great and still is. But, does it make it any easier?

Hell no.