Loneliness, Grief & Fear

Unexpectedly...after feeling pretty darn good...I feel as if I'd been hit by a ton of bricks. After rounding out the 2nd day of Tim Miller's workshop I felt sad...and I had no idea why. Even though I have a regular practice...there is something that happens when moving and breathing in a room stuffed with a little over 50 people. Something shifted...something got kicked up.
I've had this little nagging knot in my lower back/left side for a couple months and it was released after our primary series practice...which felt good...but the emotions that were tied to it really hit hard. I had this overwhelming sense of loneliness that took a hold of me...a heaviness. I went home not really willing to go there...but knowing full well something weighed heavily on my heart. Next morning, again I felt heaviness and sadness but I kept it in check. But, after today's session I could barely make to my car before having a total breakdown. What the hell? Where is this coming from? What's wrong? Again, I just felt...so alone, and scared. I could barely breathe. Wow, stuff can really get stuck in the body. Stuff I wasn't even aware was there. So...I had a really good cry...and I let all that sadness run through me...I allowed it to release...I surrendered to it...without judging it. I mean...I went into the ugly cry...hiccuping all over the place...it wasn't pretty. But, it couldn't be ignored any longer.
I reached out to some of my friends and they really helped me...assuring me that these feelings are a good place to be...because sometimes there is pain in the growth process...there is no turning back is there. Nope! Definitely not. Once you go into these places within yourself and you experience truth...old ways of being...our false identifications have a funny way of falling away. But, it can be hard to let go too. It may be simple...but it certainly isn't easy. So...I am still trying to figure it all out...unfolding to the process. However, I am realizing that I am not alone. And, I thank God for my friends...who allow me to be who I am and love me anyway. I am amazed by them. I learn so much from them...and my heart feels so full when I think about how much they have enhanced my life. Grace happens. It surely does. Peace.

No Drama

My blog posts have mostly been reflective because...Quite frankly, there has been no drama. Nada...Nothing...I mean, its been nice. I can see how we can get caught up...Or even addicted to the constant "reactions" that take place in our minds. I haven't felt this type of peace in a long time. Come to think of it...I am not sure if I ever have. Even my childhood was filled with an abundance of ups and downs...and my teen years and 20s...Let's not even go there!!!
Its so funny how in just a few weeks I'll be traveling to India for the very first time, but It hasn't been consuming my mind, because I have been really enjoying life...My simple life, right now. Sounds so exciting right! Most nights I am at home reading, playing with my kittens, or just sitting around...Maybe cleaning. Who knows...Maybe its the calm before the storm...Or the calm before the calm, before...I guess its pointless to forecast...Because right now is all we have. Gosh! I never really got it before...and finally its making sense. At least enough sense that I can grasp at the moment...but wow...I'm in awe with it all. I probably sound so hokey, but when you come out of some of the inner turmoil I was living for so long...Its like I'm taking a breath for the first time, and I can't get enough of it!
The World is really what we make it. Just be. Be the love, the peace, the joy...and it will surround you like a moth to a flame. Its true.
Peace.

Je Ne Sais Quoi

Je Ne Sais Quoi...I absolutely love the essence of this saying...Heck, I love saying it. You know it when you see it. The way someone holds themselves...The way they move, laugh, talk...Many times we think its the clothes that they wear...But its not. It is literally someone who knows themselves and knows how to work what they got. I love that. I love it when I see it in someone. It inspires me to move forward and work what I got too. Its funny...Because you can't get there by copying someone else either. Believe me I have tried...In my earlier years...It doesn't work...Never does. When we tap into our own desires, when we do good things for our body, mind and soul...Of course yoga is excellent for that...We too can reach a state of Je Ne Sais Quoi. Oh, and it is so beautiful...When we start living our life by our own standards and no one else's.
Especially after just turning 30 I have had to re-access...Why am I doing this?...Why am I in this relationship? So many things have gotten stuck in my head somehow because of conditioned thinking of how things should go in life. I mean who knows where it comes from exactly...parents, television, magazines, friends, relatives, teachers? Who knows. Finally, I have had a chance to ask...What do I want out of life? Its no wonder why I had became so exhausted by my 30th birthday...So depleted. Because, I wasn't living my dream...It was someone else's dream. So after many pieces being blown apart...I have slowly started to put them together. But, I am still choosing to leave some of those pieces unknown...Because those are for the universe to decide. Which is nice. For the first time in a long time...I feel good in my own skin. This is a big step for me. Peace.

Release Control

Finally I am ready to release control...for so many reasons. I am tired of having everything figured out. Its fun...being in that space of not knowing what is going to happen next. It does sound scary at times...but being in this open space has been so freeing. Having that trust in the universe taking care of the details always brings about the best scenario for growth and learning...even expansion.
I have also learned that this way of being does not mean being passive in life...what really matters is what we bring our focus on...and some how...some way life works out for the best...
Who knows...it's worth a try...doing this not having to be in control thing. So far it has bode well. It feels pretty good. When I 'release' I feel it is easier to connect to my higher wisdom...my higher self...and quite frankly this is a good place to be. Peace.

One Love

Lately my brain has been so active. I have been inundated with creative energy but I haven't been able to turn it off. I have been busy preparing and completing several projects for Balanced Yoga and since adding teaching Mysore to my schedule it has been a lot to get used to energetically. I am just trying to find balance...making sure I continue to plug in...take rest. But, I have to say it has been a rewarding tired...a good tired. It feels good because there is a sense of freedom that comes with it. I feel expansive...not contracted. Meditation group tonight was amazing as usual...more is beginning to shift in me...and all I can say is its exciting.
I know I sneaked in a previous post that I think I'm in love...It really isn't all that serious. The most important thing to me right now is to continue on this path I am going on...and we'll see what happens...but it will not be done on my part alone...Not this time. I am finally coming to terms that I deserving of love...of the purest kind. But, it has to start within me...I have to be happy with me first, it comes from inside...not from the outside.

No Turning Back

Bought my plane ticket to India! Going to Mysore. Wow, its really coming together. It hasn't sinked in that I will be on the other side of the world in less than a month. Gotta lot to do before then...but, I'm excited...I am excited to go on this adventure on my own. Its a big step for me.
I found out that Sharath will be primarily teaching at AYRI while Guruji is taking rest. So the shala will be open as of May 3rd. If anything...if I get only one chance to tell Guruji "thank you..." I will be eternally grateful. The practice...has forever changed my life and to say "thank you" would feel as if I have come full circle...Because early on when I started practicing Ashtanga Yoga I just knew I would make it to India someday...which I am sure many students feel that way.
So...3 months in India...I have never traveled some where and stayed for that long...besides going to college of course. It will be the perfect amount of time to settle in...get into a rhythm. I'm ready. I am finally ready to go forth and be happy, be free.

Answering the Call

It is amazing when we follow our hearts...our calling, how things just seem to fall into place...how everything just seems to workout. After leaving the corporate world...maybe forever...there was a sense of trepidation and fear...because the security of having to rely on a steady paycheck was no longer going to be there. Surrender, Trust, Gratitude...Surrender control...Trust and know everything will work out for the best...Have gratitude for the process...for without that...how do we learn?...how do we evolve and grow?
This month I will be organizing and getting ready for my first trip to Mysore, India. Even though Sri K. Pattabhi Jois is sick right now...I still want to go through with the trip...I feel I have no other choice. I must go...I have to go...this pull to go there is beyond me...even though I am a little scared to travel that far by myself...Oh well...The excitement far outweighs the fear.

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred...let me sow love.
Where there is doubt...faith.
Where there is despair...hope.
Where there is darkness...light.
Where there is sadness...joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled...as to console,
To be understood...as to understand,
To be loved...as to love,
For it is in giving...that we receive,
It is in pardoning, that we are pardoned,
It is in dying...that we are born to eternal life.


p.s. I think I'm in love

Still Waters Run Deep

Life seems to finally be settling for me. For the first time in a long time I have been spending a vast amount of time with just me...and its been good. I have been able to tap into some of the things I have been wanting to cultivate...I have learned so much more about myself...some of my weaknesses...my strengths. Its funny how when your single again...after an almost four year relationship...how you finally find space to be more of who you are. I am not necessarily saying that can't happen in a relationship...but it can be challenging to keep that up. Obviously, some day I would like start dating again...but having this time has allowed me to tap into what I really want in a relationship and what I truly deserve. I mean, if I can't be my own best company...what kind of partner would I make? Probably, not so much fun. I have been enjoying my time. Its been cool.
Just practicing stillness...being with just you...and not running from it...there is so much to learn in that stillness. Wow...it can be pretty deep. That awareness deepens...that knowing...shines through. My yoga practice has really taken on a new shape as well. Its amazing how our practices evolve through time. When I internally feel stronger...it always shows up in my practice...and when I feel in alignment with the universe that strength isn't just physical its the knowing that I am so much more than what is seen with our own eyes.
Well, I am still just trying to figure it all out...but geesh...there is no other place I would rather be than right here right know...it feels so good...that comfort of just feeling good in your own skin.
Even though I do look forward to my first trip to Mysore, India in May...this time I have been taking...in this moment has been priceless. Thank you! Thank you! Peace.

From Darkness to Light...From Untruth to Truth

From a young age I have been on the hunt for truth. I guess you can say I am a truth seeker. I have never been one to be big on bullshit...ya know...that constant meaningless small talk...not that everything has to be so serious...but again...it gets so boring when we get so wrapped up around our "stories." Those stories that misrepresent who we really are. For instance...like life is hard...I am unattractive...I am not good enough...This person did me wrong...Life is not fair...I am sickly...My body doesn't work right...I have a chronic illness. Some where some how these "stories" misrepresent our lives in a big way. I will be the first to say that I have been guilty of it...but again...the truth seeker inside of me has always come in and has literally had to slap me of the face. HARD. Thank God.
When we focus on the "stuff" that is not serving us in a positive way...we are just bringing in more of the same...the same old shit...and sometimes we get comfortable in it...but because we are never really happy in it... that is the first sign that we are not in alignment with our true selves. Then it is time to get out of the darkness and into the light...and when that light is shed...yes all of our weakness will be shown in plain sight...but thats good...no need to hide it...
Much of the time we just need to get out of our own way...and just flow...it is just that easy. When we are in discord with our true selves we are just closing the flow of divine grace that surrounds us and is in us. Just step out of the way...focus on the good things you want in your life...and let the magic of the universe provide...as you make everyday a masterpiece called "your life." Take it...it's yours!!!!

TAPAS

My newest tattoo...Tapas in Sanskrit... Tapas is part of the Niyamas (internal disciplines) with in the Eight Limbs of Yoga in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. Tapas...is part of our inner fire...it opens us not only physically but emotionally and spiritually. It removes impurities...it is mastery of the body and senses...and brings clarity and discernment...it is the intensity that comes with spiritual practice...the discipline we bring...its the journey...its the dance. Being with the dance.
So to have it permanently imprinted on my body will be a welcome reminder to be with the dance...Like the Hindu god Shiva...who dances so intensely that flames rise up.

Steady Strength

Here I am pictured with Ana Forrest...after doing two 3 hour intensives...and all I can say is wow! It is always inspiring when one sees an example of pure strength...mentally, physically, and spiritually. To observe all three aspects of strength so vibrantly in someone can really transform you...and to whole heartedly begin to face your fears or at the very least be aware of what they are is just the beginning. Having a commitment to being...even if it is uncomfortable can teach you invaluable information about yourself...and to be with that uncomfortable side of yourself...at the other side of it comes grace...comes empowerment...pretty cool stuff. I walked away from Ana really feeling that I gained useful tools for not only my yoga practice but for my life in general. What an amazing women...and inspiration. I am very grateful to have met her and learn from her. It is always useful to seek out others who raise your vibration...bringing you in alignment with who you really are. Peace.

Open to the World

Look at that face!! Who can resist! Even though I have not yet gone through the trials and tribulation's of being a mother there is something about a baby that makes them so yummy!! They smell so good, they're cute, and they are just open to the world...full of possibilities. This is my niece Elia Arden and I can't think of anything more beautiful then her. She just makes me happy.

Big Waves

I have had this one re-accruing dream every since I can remember...every since I was very young...about big waves as I am in the midst of them. It sounds scary...but it never is...and for some reason the bigger the waves the more thrilled I am...and excited with a mix of trepidation. I haven't been able to really piece together the significance of these dreams that I still have...even to this day. It must mean something since it has made an appearance in my dreams for as long as I can remember having dreams. Big Waves...big beautiful waves... I am right there with these waves as they build and build and get bigger and bigger...and I am still safe some how...even though as they get bigger...and bigger...I have that mixture of excitement and a bit of fear...but the awe of the wave takes over the fear every time...
I do have a love affair with the ocean. Too bad I am land locked at the moment...but whenever the ocean is nearby I have to be there...there is something very healing about it for me. Last summer I traveled to Encinitas, California for 10 days to practice yoga with one of my favorite teachers Tim Miller...and after every early morning practice...I would hurry home, shower, change, pack up and go straight to the beach to be near the water...And I would just sit there for hours...reading, lounging...listening. I loved it. When I finally had the nerve to set up my first surfing lesson I couldn't wait. My instructor was very laid back...when he met me at the beach entrance he was on S.P. time (surfing-people time) meeting me late...with his hair beach blonde, long on top and carefully dis shoveled...he talked that talk...ya know. "Hey...what's up?...know how to swim?" I laughed, thinking we are going to get along just fine. After my quickie lesson on land...taking I don't know...3 minutes tops...we ventured out to the water...which I might add was unusually rougher versus previous days... but still safe. The surf instructor was like..."your gonna get up your first time...I have a feeling." A little perplexed and excited I answered..."ya think so?" He helped me set the board...and told me which wave to catch...and he was right I got up my first time...seriously the thrill of my life! I mean, I always new the ocean was powerful...but when you ride that wave you FEEL its power...and its exhilarating...absolutely. To be one with it for only a moment...its like wow! I can't even put it into words. Of course after my first ride...I fell many times!...but that was fun to...and I rode one wave all the way to the beach...just to be cute...ha! After two hours, however I was exhausted...in a good way. So now, I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't crave to go surf again...seriously, I think about it a lot. After my lesson, it was funny, because my instructor asked me out that night. However, I declined because I'm a good girl. Just kidding, we totally made out...however no lines were crossed if you know what I mean. It was all in good fun. wink, wink! Some how we ended the night by eating ice cream with his parents...kinda funny...That's a whole other story in its self...
So, I have decided that when I grow up I would like to be a surfer. How fun would that be. Just a surfer...hmmm...maybe a yogini surfer. Cool. I'm looking forward to my next big wave dream...if I can't make it there at least the waves can make it in my dreams.
Peace.

An Attitude of Gratitude

All the Greats say that to manifest positive experiences in life you must be in a space of gratitude and appreciation. Whenever we feel thankful it just feels better...our lives feel more abundant and full. Even the things that we may judge as "bad" are just a point of perspective from past experiences or other people's experiences...and how we choose to react to those "bad things"... there is a time to make a choice... do we decide to let those things take over and ruin our day or do we just let it ride?
This is something I continually work on...Like the parking ticket I got today! Oh yeah, I was cursing a bit as I got in my car...I let the emotion run through me...and then I did my best to let it go...This gratitude thing is like a muscle you gotta work it out! Everyday! Just like you workout your body. If you don't use it...you loose it! You wanna nice ass...gotta do some squats...lunges or something. Wanna good life...an abundant life...workout your gratitude muscle. May sound crass... but I like that analogy!
With everything that has been put in front of me I would like to take a moment to be thankful... Especially to those special friends who have helped me to grow and see the lighter side of life. I also could never forget my two little kitties...Tiny Tim (pictured above) and Belle...who love me unconditionally and have taught me to live in the moment...and just enjoy...the simple things. Peace.

4:45AM Wake-Up Call

I have heard the time before dawn is an auspicious time to be up. After getting up everyday this week at 4:45am to teach an Ashtanga Mysore style class I find it to be true. The energy seems much more calm, soothing...cleaner some how. I like it...and I like getting up to do something I truly enjoy. When getting out of bed for my previous job it was literally like a ton of bricks on my back to face the day...some how since starting these classes I just spring up! Its amazing...I don't get it...but then I do...it feels good!..and I am just letting it ride. Only thing is when the sun is ready to set I am ready for bed!..And its only like 7:30pm or so!

An Inconvenient Truth

To really get to the truth of the matter can be a painful thing...However to get to the other side of that it only gets better. Still on the road to discovery its amazing all the stuff that can come to the for front when everything that we hold on to is stripped away...stripped bare. Then ultimately we have to face ourselves. In the a previous post I mentioned some of the stuff I was going through with my job...but I always hesitate when it comes to my relationship that ended last December. In intimate relationship especially, much can distract you from the obvious. Sometimes it gets to be this thing that you feel you so desperately need even though your not even happy...or its not enhancing your life in anyway...its just this constant...muck...heaviness...I can only describe in that sort of way. And, when you feel so lonely in it...and your always cheering on the other person, praying for them...just wanting them to be happy...but...you forget...you...and when you want to lean on someone you fall...and fall HARD. That is when you find and know this isn't right...this doesn't feel good anymore...And when it comes down to "that issue" of not being the thing he wants...its almost laughable because...This is why??!! Because of that! Well I can't do that...I can't be that...I will not. Finally, I am doing the loving thing for myself...that I have ignored for so long...And I have to except responsibly on why I brought all of that in my life. Why did I feel I wasn't worthy of being truly Loved. Why do I not feel worthy of it. Why am I so scared by it. It may be an inconvenient truth...but these are questions I must ask myself to move on and be better for it...not bitter...I don't want to be scared any more. I know I can love fully and deeply but its gotta start inside me...not outside...and when we get caught up in the other person...again...it distracts us from the truth of the matter.
I honestly don't look at those past four years together as a waste of time...and I only have love in my heart for him at this moment. Because, through it all I honor the essential part of him and its a beautiful thing to see. Love never ends... it never stops...I just don't have to hold on anymore to do that...I don't have to be in the muck. Why stop the flow of Love? Even though its not a relationship on the physical plane anymore... To end something to get back to your own happiness is a relationship on a higher vibrating plane. Peace and Love.

Getting Ready for Mysore

This morning...bright and early we started our Ashtanga/Mysore style class at Balanced Yoga. I opened the studio at 5:30am...so students literally rise and practice as the sun rises. The energy is so pure...the mind is much more still right before dawn. Its an awesome thing to observe. I couldn't be more excited to be part of facilitating a comfortable space for practitioners to really embrace the practice in the tradition it was meant to be taught. Getting up at 4:45am every morning Monday thru Friday seems like a big undertaking...But I couldn't be more happy to do it. The way things have been unfolding...the choices I have been making...the projects I have chosen to undertake have validated that I am on the right track... because... It feels good...It feels right!...There is a sense of peace that comes with it. It could all change tomorrow...but finally I am experiencing the things that make me happy.
After class and practicing today I finally sent my VISA application away for my trip to India. I got a 10 year...because I know this will be the first of many trips to Mysore. It is all very exciting.

Do Less...Be More

Taking time to take it in...This concept used to be so foreign to me. Just like the title to this post says. DO LESS...BE MORE. I heard this from a wise person several months ago and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up when I heard it. WHAT?!! I can actually "DO Less" and "Be More." It occurred to me how true that is. Like ever since I have been on this path of discovering who I am and growing spiritually I found myself scheduling everything. Okay...I need to meditate twice a day...Do my yoga...read philosophy and chant this mantra and blah...blah...blah...and I remember telling one of my close friends that I need to take a step back and just chill from all this stuff because I am just doing, doing, doing. And then if I am not doing it then I am talking about doing it. Alright, I probably don't make any sense right now but...this concept has made all the difference to me. Yes, committing to a spiritual practice is priceless. But, the practice is not necessarily done to reach some sort of pinnacle...Because we are already there...we just need to step out of the way and ALLOW everything to unfold. Observe the process...enjoy the ride...go with the flow. Simplicity. Awareness. In the Stillness the wisdom will arise. In the Stillness our true Self will emerge. There is no more that needs to be done. There is no more that needs to be added. We are already whole. Ahhhhh! What a relief.