Like Crazy

I watched this movie on the plane ride leaving India. Out of the whole list of movies available this one was by far the best, most real, and intriguing. I kinda felt like a voyeur in this young couple's life. A great film, well acted, intimate, relatable . . . recommended to those who haven't seen it yet. 

Dear Eckhart, finding a Spiritual Partner

Dear Eckhart,

My name is Julie and I am 37 years old. Just like most people I also have my own sad story, but I am pleased to say that thanks to many years of therapy, self help, meditation and recently your teachings, I identify with it less and less and rather appreciate the now and my life more and more.

In fact, I feel quite satisfied in general and I really don’t long for anything anymore… that is, except for one thing…

I am single and have been for about 6 years. I really really want to find love, a spiritual partner, and have a family. So when I ask the question ‘Is there anything wrong with this moment’, usually I answer ‘no’ and appreciate the present moment and feel the wonderful feelings that come with it. However, sometimes I feel lonely. I can usually dissolve that feeling by observing it. So the feeling does go away but it still doesn’t solve the problem that I ‘AM’ alone.

Isn’t it normal to want a partner and children, especially for a woman? Is it my ego clinging to an identity formed by society or is my need for maternity visceral and relevant?

And either way, what should I do as I really feel like this is something important that I am missing in my life and it is sometimes quite painful for me. Therefore I can accept it to a certain degree but I still long for it.

Warm regards,
Julie

Dear Juli,

At some point, life became divided into male and female, the basic polarity. On the level of our physical form, each one of us embodies this polarity. We are either male or female, which means we are only one half of the whole (I also speak about this in the Power of Now). There is a pull in every human being towards wholeness, which in essence is spiritual, i.e. the return to oneness. On the level of form this expresses itself as a longing for completion through merging with the opposite energy polarity. On the most basic level, it manifests as sexual desire, then as the emotional need to be with a man or a woman, then as love between a man and a woman. (Even in gay couples the basic polarity still operates on an energetic level).

Ultimately, of course, a sense of wholeness and deep fulfillment cannot be found on the level of form, but only through accessing the spiritual dimension of consciousness itself. It is also true that the female body is conditioned through evolution to perpetuate life, to give birth and nurture. So your desire to have a partner and children is indeed, as you put it, visceral. This in itself is not of the ego, although it can become part of it, if it is incorporated into the egoic mind’s judgements and story-making (I need a man/woman to make me happy etc.). It is at this point that male/female relationships become beset with “problems”. Even love easily becomes corrupted in this way by the mind.

So, must you remain unfulfilled unless you find a partner, have a family and children No. (As you must have observed, there is unhappiness in many relationships and marriages).

Since the spiritual dimension has already come into your life, you are beginning to realize that the essence of your being, which is formless, is not really affected even though you may feel some sense of lack on the level of form. For some people, it is precisely the experience of some strong sense of lack that drives them deeper into their essential selves – the I Am without attributes, beingness itself. Of course, you remain open for a relationship or marriage to come into your life, of course you would be happy to have children and indeed this may still happen. But your inner peace and your sense of who you are do not depend on it.

Generally speaking, whenever you experience the lack of something on the level of form that is conventionally considered important for one’s happiness (lack of relationships, of money, lack of freedom, of health, of social identity etc.), use this, while it lasts, as an opportunity to go more deeply within to find the Being that you are prior to all identifications. At the same time, you do what you can on the outer level to remedy this lack. You are much more likely to succeed without if you have already succeeded within. In any case, there is a sense of inner freedom from what happens or doesn’t happen.

Blessings on your journey.
Eckhart.

Girls are Weirdos

Spent the afternoon with one of my best girlfriends. She had this book on her dining room table, Girls are Weirdos, but they smell pretty, by Todd Harris Goldman, that she had just bought. We spent a better part of a half an hour cracking up at the passages inside the book. I mean...yeah we're girls, but some of the stuff written was sad...but, so very true...and so very funny.

Here are some of the following...



Bad Boys

Why is it that girls seem to prefer bad boys to nice ones? Don't you realize that with a little time and patience nice boys will end up treating you just as badly as the bad boys do? Geez!


Bad Hair Day

Why do girls get so upset over a bad hair day? I mean, come on, it's only temporary! It will be fine tomorrow, ladies. You should be grateful you even have hair, even though half your hair is fake anyway! I would be more concerned with a bad face day or a bad body day. Those are permanent and can only be fixed with plastic surgery.


Chocolate

The yummiest, tastiest, bestest treat in the whole wide world. It makes you happy and makes all your problems go away. It's even better than sex. But it also makes you fat and gives you pimples. Which means you won't be having much sex anyway, so I guess it all evens out!


Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?

You already know the answer, don't you? You're just looking for someone to be mad at, that's all. So if I tell you the truth, you get pissed at me. And if I lie, you get even more pissed at me. I can't win either way! So, I'm going to answer you straight-up once and for all (and I'm doing this for every guy who's ever been tortured by this same stupid question. Yes, that dress makes you look fat! You're are not skinny enough to pull it off! Spandex is a privilege, not a right! Next question...


Eat Something Already

Okay, girls, here's a lesson you need to learn: Food, which is good for you, should be eaten, digested, then pooped out, all in one continuous railroad track of happy digestion and nutrition. If you eat, then puke, the train derails. If you never eat anything, the train can't leave the station. Just because we like you skinny and hot doesn't mean it's okay to stick you finger down your throat.


Fake Eyelashes

Nothing is sexier than a girl with thick black 3-inch plastic rods coming out of her eyes. It looks like a tarantula got stuck on its back and is kicking its legs in the air. Why do girls go through the torture of gluing those things on? I guess it's some sort of contraption to capture food for the eye...like a Venus flytrap.

Flowers

Also known as the "get out of jail free" card. Guys love flowers! I mean guys love the power of flowers. We can totally get in a fight, cheat on our girlfriend, run over her dog, and accidentally sleep with her best friend...and everything will be okay. Why? Because we sent her flowers. A dozen smelly little weeds that die in a week just saved our ass. I love flowers.


Girly Magazines

Seventeen, Vogue, Cosmo, Teen Queen, whatever...they're all the same. They're basically just instruction manuals telling girls how to dress to attract guys, what kind of guys to date, how to get rid of unwanted zits so guys will sleep with you, and how to stay under 90 pounds so guys will find you hot. Guys like them because, duh, they're full of articles on guys (e.g., how to drive a guy crazy in bed), so it drives home the point that making us happy is really what it's all about.


Hair Extensions

Why do girls weave hair from a horse's rear end to their heads? I think that's taking the term "ponytail" a little too far, don't you? Instead, why not go down to the highway and pick up some roadkill? What's wrong with a little opossum or squirrel hair? And just think, with a skunk you wouldn't have to put streaks in your hair, either.


It's Not You, It's Me

I love you, but I'm not in love with you, you deserve someone better, I need some space, I don't want to ruin our friendship: All mean the same thing...I no longer find you attractive and I want to have sex with as many girls as possible. And by the way, it IS you!


Silent Treatment

Oooh, you're not talking to me! Thanks, I can use the break. The phone calls every 15 minutes asking me where I am, and what I'm doing, and who I'm with, were getting kind of annoying. So basically I'm a huge fan of the silent treatment and wish girls used it more often.


Walk of Shame

We have all seen her: the girl with the messy hair, runny makeup, wearing the same clothes she wore the night before, stumbling to her car, shoes in hand, purse dragging behind on the ground, hurrying home to take a shower after her embarrassing one-night stand. It just sucks when it's your best friend's mom.


What Are We?

Apparently, relationship status is very important to girls. It's even a criteria on MySpace! Single or In A Relationship? That's the big question. Are we boyfriend and girlfriend or are we just friends? Are we exclusive or can we date other people? Then when you finally decide that we are boyfriend/girlfriend, the next day you don't want a boyfriends anymore. This really confuses me. My head hurts, who cares, let's just cuddle.

Rendezvous

Waiting in the airport for my flight...and my laptop battery is about to die on me. Hee, hee. So I'll write fast.

For starters, I've been tight lipped about my rendezvous in Florida. Guess I'm ready to spill the beans, so to speak. Whatever that means. In reality, there is nothing to hide. Nevertheless, its an interesting story. But, on the other hand, I go back and forth with how much, exactly, I want to divulge about my life.

Its starts like this.

Back in college I met a boy, and we went out on one date. Somehow, after all these years, he got in touch with me via email. From there we started emailing each other back and forth. Then emailing turned into instant messaging...instant messaging turned into talking on the phone. To... then, after months, we met face to face in Orlando, Florida where he lives, just last week.

In the beginning, I had no problems rekindling a friendship. However, for it to be more was where I began to hesitate...because I was tangled in the web of the boy from Mexico who I met while in India. Sound complicated? Well, it isn't really.

You see...I don't have all the answers...but, there comes a point when you just have to wonder if someone is really all that good for you. Or, maybe its timing. The boy from Mexico...had more going on with him, than I bargained for...not very many people know the whole story, for I have only shared it with a few. It doesn't mean that I care any less. But, there comes a time when letting go is the best thing. There comes a time when someone's own personal growth and happiness is most important, and that needs to take place vs. trying to hold on to and/or balance a relationship. I wasn't going to hold on to a fantasy. I wasn't going to choose a relationship over my own sanity either. Because, there came a point when I felt as if I was being dragged down with him as he was drowning...and he didn't want to do that to me either.

I still believe that love can conquer all...that through loving, the very best scenario will come about...and to the best of my ability I did just that. Life and love are mysterious...and, sometimes loving is holding on tight to those you adore, and sometimes its letting go...just because it didn't have the Cinderella story ending doesn't bother me at all. There are greater things at work, and I don't have a clue where it will all lead...

So...when communicating back and forth with the boy from Florida it was all quite innocent...and naturally I became very fond of him. However, on the other hand, I felt sensitive...I felt raw with many things that have been going on in my life beyond relationships and so forth...so for a while I kept him at arms length.

Yes...I can be an at arms length type a girl. I can be guarded. Because you see...I have this theme in my life...its called...unlucky in love. Yes, yes, yes. At 31, I am still clueless. Hahaha. Well, not entirely, but I can take responsibility for my part. Subconsciously, maybe I am a bit commitment-phobic. I can be hard to pin down. Then on the other hand, many times, I can be fiercely loyal too.

But, where I've gone wrong is who I've chose to draw into my life. There have been so many times I've been approached by the nice guy...the steady guy...and I didn't go for it...I went for the opposite...the guy with a bit more edge, that in the end would probably have nothing to offer. Why? Well...

And, I've had to question and look at what gets me so scared about it? This past year has been a year of growth for me...I would never want to take it back, because moving forward, it has to be different. I mean, seriously, its time to grow up. Hahaha...just a little bit at least!!

But...also, I don't want to be in love just to be in love. Sometimes we get caught up in loving to be in love...It has be much more than that. Much, much more.

I've digressed again, so after months of communication...David and I finally met. But, before that, it had been nearly 10 years since we had seen each other. Crazy!

The trip was short and very sweet.

But, like my style...I'm running off again to leave the country for another adventure.

The best I can do at this stage in the game is take everything day by day...by day...that is the best I can do. The past several weeks I've come to terms with much...and for the first time in a long time I've felt deep peace. It took a bit of struggle to get where I'm at, in my heart, in this moment...and it feels pretty darn full...even though there is much uncertainty up ahead...

As I move forward, I feel as if I sit in a more authentic place. Just even feeling good in my own skin is enough. I'm getting a sense of the woman I want to be...and from there the whole world looks like an expansive, more exciting place. Even this little shift has made a difference...I've had more strangers come up and talk to me, than I can remember, in the past several weeks...pretty funny. I feel more connected somehow.

I want to be a better daughter, sister, aunt, student, teacher, friend, and support to those I care about. The biggest thing I've learned is that where I'm at today could have never been made possible without the circle of support that surrounds me.

Its one thing to know what you want. Its another to ask for it...no matter what.

Back to David...what a special person. He's added to my life...not taken from it. I've enjoyed his company and friendship. I like how things have progressed. The future is wide open.

Love at First Sight?

Have I become cynical? Anyway, after some fumbling around via internet I came across a blog dedicated to relationships...and one of the posts was regarding whether there is a such thing as love at first sight...the consensus is NO. A couple weeks ago I heard the well known psychologist, Harvel Hendricks elude to the same thing on a talk show saying that the "honeymoon period" in a relationship is more like being under anesthesia...hahaha...funny.

Knowing, Doing

The sufi opens his hands to the universe
and gives away each instant, free.
Unlike someone who begs on the street for money to survive,
a dervish begs to give you his life.

~Rumi, Furuzanfar #686, Rubaiyat

The boy friend, from Mexico, has been going through a very challenging time. I've never been close to someone who literally was fighting for their life on a level very different from a physical disease.

He tells me how special I am...that I have everything...he tells me I'm an angel, and that I'm one of the few he can trust. But, it doesn't make me feel good to hear...it makes me sad. Because behind the words...even though sincere...he doesn't believe he is worthy of embodying any of those attributes. That is what breaks my heart. I have never met someone with so much potential, and yet have no awareness of it... that doesn't believe within that he is truly worthy of greatness, and peace. I wish there was something I could do, but in reality, all I can be is present, and available for support. He asked me to simply pray for him, because he's scared...and wow, that is scary for me, because when someone asks you to pray, they must really need it...and its all I can really do at this point. Its all out of my hands...I have no control. Yes, I may have thought at one point I did...but, alas, was proven wrong...rightfully.

I admire his honesty regarding what he's feeling. Not many are able to do that...and that gives me hope.


This has been a huge lesson. I have had to learn to release all control. I have had to learn that loving is about letting go. I've had to learn that you simply have to give space, and allow others to find themselves....because no matter how hard you try to make someone see...it isn't gonna happen unless on their own accord. Sometimes I wish I could take away the pain of others...but I've had to learn that it is not necessary for me to carry the weight.

With anything, there is always hope. And, I can be a better friend and support when I take myself out of the equation...and, offer up unwavering support, openness, and transparency to another in need.

But, truthfully...I worry, and I'm scared...Knowing is one thing...Doing is another...

This song is dedicated to the one who taught me not only to trust in others but to most importantly trust in myself...I love you and I thank you...You've have shown what's true...You've shown me what's real...

"Forbidden Love"

Just one kiss on my lips
Was all it took to seal the future
Just one look from your eyes
Was like a certain kind of torture

Once upon a time
There was a boy
There was a girl

Just one touch from your hands
Was all it took to make me falter

Forbidden love
Are we supposed to be together
Forbidden love
Forbidden love
We seal the destiny forever
Forbidden love
Forbidden love

Just one smile on your face
Was all it took to change my fortune
Just one word form your month
Was all I needed to be certain

Once upon a time
There was a boy
There was a girl
Hearts that intertwine
They lived in a different kind of world

(Chorus)

Just one kiss
Just one touch
Just one look

(Chorus)

Just one kiss
Just one touch
Just one look
Just one love

(by Madonna~from Confessions on a Dance Floor, 2005)

Just a Thought...

"If you advance confidently in the direction of your dreams, and endeavor to live the life you have imagined, you will meet with the success unexpected in common hours. You will pass an invisible boundary...If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. "

Now put the foundation under them.

~Henry David Thoreau

Life is funny...its so interesting how one's perspective can change and expand just stepping out of the environment that had become so comfortable and safe...to then step out of it and then to come back into it...how everything changes...and looks different. I highly recommend it. Because often times we don't see things as clearly until we step out of it. Make sense?
And, the amazing thing is how that changes your relationships with some you thought had your best interest at heart...and on the flip side how others step up to the plate because they get it. They don't ever want to see your wings clipped and aren't intimidated by how high you can fly. Because when we allow others to do so...and are open to it...it only helps and expand the greater whole! That is why I am still gonna continue on the path...even though it has come with some disappointments...but then how can that be?..because it must mean there's something better on the horizon...and to continue to surround myself with others who uplift me...inspire me...who are more evolved than me...and help push me to go to those places that can only get me in touch with my higher self.
So on my quest of doing my best to focus on what's good in a sea of uncertainty...I guess I can't complain. I've got my practice...I've got my experiences that have left me so full of gratitude and love...what else...and yeah...I've got people...friends...who never cease to amaze me...I've must have done something right in a former life to deserve such love and support. I will never forget.
And...to my little someone I took a big risk for...you where completely worth it...more than you'll ever now...and I would do it again if I had the choice. With out a doubt! Because you've shown me what's most important...the simple things...life doesn't have to be complicated...its simple...why is that so hard for some to understand. Its hard to let go of our grip...to surrender...and let our pride go to the waste side. Love to all.

"When you’re in love, make sure you love that person for who they are, not what they do for you, or what you want them to be, or do, or how you want them to make you feel. Love without expectations. Love without worrying so much about the future. It feels really good that way. And love all the people around you out of compassion. Love people who don’t know better. Love even people who are not nice to others, because those people are probably in pain. Find a way to fill yourself up and feel secure enough to open your heart. That’s when the good stuff happens. Love makes the world revolve. Put it out there and it comes back to you. And it feels nice."

~Sarma Meingailis (Author of Raw Food Real World)


I want to take a time to give thanks...even though I feel a bit scared and uncertain about what the future holds for me after my 5 month hiatus of yoga, travel, and self-discovery. Its funny how I get bold with myself and want to face every fear I have and tackle it head on...but when it comes...all I want to do is run and hide...at least I can laugh at myself. I guess I'm not as tough as I thought...ha!

But seriously, there is something I took from my trip that came on so unexpected...and that's a lesson in love. This is coming from someone who has often felt unlucky in this arena...and to be given a true lesson on what it all means is something I will hold dear to my heart. Even though I'm back home and broke...the experiences and lessons that have come my way make it all worthwhile. Yes! For once I took a risk. I exposed myself...opened up as best I could...and was shown what love is...and I'm not talking about roses and chocolates...I'm talking about more than that...I'm talking about being a channel of it...and damn, finally giving in to the fact that I deserve it for once in my life. That's huge.

So...as I sit back in Columbus, Ohio...scheming my next escape plan...just kidding!!! (wink, wink). I feel bittersweet. But, if I'm able to piece this one together...there will be hope for me yet! God Bless.

Blogged with Flock

It's in the giving that the gifts come...

"You are what you love not what loves you." ~Donald Kaufman

It's in the giving that the gifts come...without fail. I feel lucky and blessed to have met someone who has shown that so eloquently...and inspires me to do the same...hopefully everyday...in some small way. Just the act of being free with yourself...your feelings and being open to others without judgment is an important part of my process...and because I have put that out there...there's a force that has shown it to me since setting that intention...wonderful how that happens. And, its interesting how opening to that can bring about your fears...those dark parts that we all have. What is it again?...When we open to the light...many times it exposes those fearful parts...but its good...at least we can have the awareness they are there...and then, deal with it as we see fit.
Its amazing how powerful our intentions can be...and, when I feel like my heart just can't take anymore opening or allowing it to feel those scary parts...it can...it really can...just like any other muscle...you have to work it out for it to become stronger...more open. And, what a blessing to be shown such examples of strength...perseverance...and love from others I have met. It humbles me...inspires me...wakes me up to a deeper part of myself...and I can only hope to continue down that road. Of course there will always be some bobbles...but if I align myself back to intention everything becomes more clear...more focused.
So...on Friday after lead primary Sharath invited me to lead intermediate class on Sunday. And, I can't tell you how great it was...it being a smaller group...and the fact that Guruji lead the class. He seemed to have more energy and vigor than ever...so cool...For a man of 92 he never ceases to amaze me...He has the perfect balance of commanding presence mixed with soft sweetness. Not very many can carry that off. I had such a surge of energy too...it was one of those experiences I will always remember. Also, I don't like to name drop...but one of my all time favorite teachers was in the room practicing as well and it was all kind of surreal...being in the room with others who have lived and breathed this practice much longer than I. Its not about putting people above you but one can't help but feel the energy of those who have done the work. Many times I remind myself...if this is what's waiting for me after 30 years of practice...sign me up!!
So...I'll say it again...and I will continue to say it...I thank you...The only words that seem to have meaning to me right now is that...Thank you...I'm filled with gratitude...Peace.

On This Day

"There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path." ~Morpheus


On this day...I wasn't too sure of myself...and my path. And, when I say this I'm not talking about physically...I'm talking about that internal realm that many times we would prefer to run away from. This is classic for me. And, no one...is tougher on me than I am on myself...and that has got to stop. Sometimes we get so caught up in what 'something' should look like or be like. This is love...this is a loving person...this is what its like when your living spiritually...and to be honest with you I don't buy into that...not anymore. When we put expectations on someone else...and how they should be...we miss the opportunity to truly see someone...and love someone for who they really are in that moment. What a tough lesson to learn. And, I have also come to know that the more I tap into my own essence the easier it is to be in that space.
Many times I have learned the most from those who are a little rough around the edges...because its not necessarily always about sweetness...its about TRUTH...Its about being in a honest place with yourself...whatever that may be...Anger...Happiness...Envy...Jealousy...Joy...Lust...Whatever, doesn't matter...just feel it...be with it...Be aware...No need to run...Even though many times I want too.
So...I'm struggling right now...to find clarity with the side of myself that wants to shut down and not be open and free with what I am feeling. Am I still stuck in my past experiences? I dunno...I don't even want to analyze this anymore...For it won't do any good. Sometimes when you feel something so strong...That light we all have...and its simmering inside...it just feels too hot to handle. Can I do it? Can I handle this? Can I? What is that saying again?...About being more afraid of our light than our darkness...and to love...truly love freely...deeply...
Now its becoming more clear...even as I type these words...what my purpose is...in this life...and as scared as I am right now...I know without I doubt...That I must walk forward... without looking back...

A Wealth of Experience

I have come to know that what we feel for others and how we show our love is priceless in comparison to the things we collect materially. I guess I have always known this truth...but never really had it fill me the way it has since coming here to India. This place...does something to you...and I may not fully come to understand...until I leave this mysterious land. And...I don't mean mysterious in an unattainable way...but how...with the yoga practice...and the pace of life here...you become more in tune with you...the essence...of what is important. What I have experienced...the kindness I have witnessed...the connections I have made...have left me feeling like the richest person in the world...like a fullness of light and love that I feel could just explode inside of me into a million pieces. How incredible is that...how absolutely amazing is that...for my heart to feel so full...for its moved me and taken me to places that I have only dreamed of...and hadn't known existed. I'm in awe...I'm in love with the possibilities that are to come...and it will only get better...hopefully I will become wiser...and deepen the trust inside that I know is true. There is magic everywhere...if we only learn to embrace what we know feels good...what feels expansive and light...and remember...just remember...who we are at the most simple and essential part of ourselves...nothing is better...and then we come to learn there is no need to separate ourselves from each other because we all come from the same place...we all have the same stuff...what a powerful realization...what a beautiful thought. Again, I can't say it enough...thank you...to all of you who have inspired this knowing inside of me...without you...and your wisdom and love...I wouldn't be even close to half the person I am now...and to the 'Ohio boy'...I'm really gonna miss you. Peace.

Catch & Release

This post is solely dedicated to someone, who I met here in Mysore...I am not sure if you'll ever read this...but you'll know this is for you...

I just have to say it...because you have left me feeling so happy just to know you...and nothing came more unexpected than what I felt when we first met...I can't explain it...and I don't think I could...and why would I want to...you have left feeling so inspired...and this something has stirred my soul...Thank you. You have blessed my life. Peace.

"...I was thinking about another kind of river, one that runs through every one of us, no matter where we come from, all over the world. Its the river of the heart's desire. Its pure, essential truth of what each one of us is, and can achieve. All my life I'd been a fighter. I was always ready, too ready, to fight for what I loved, and against what I deplored. In the end, I became the expression of that fight, and my real nature was concealed behind a mask of menace and hostility. The message of my face and my body's movement was, like that of a lot of other hard men, "don't fuck with me." In the end, I became so good at expressing the sentiment that the whole of my life became the message."
-excerpt of Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts

Lately I have been distracted...with other things...with a certain someone...someone who I feel is incredible...so I will leave it at that....for the sake of not going off the deep end...not that I am holding back...but I am just soaking this one in...my feelings that is...Peace.

An Inconvenient Truth

To really get to the truth of the matter can be a painful thing...However to get to the other side of that it only gets better. Still on the road to discovery its amazing all the stuff that can come to the for front when everything that we hold on to is stripped away...stripped bare. Then ultimately we have to face ourselves. In the a previous post I mentioned some of the stuff I was going through with my job...but I always hesitate when it comes to my relationship that ended last December. In intimate relationship especially, much can distract you from the obvious. Sometimes it gets to be this thing that you feel you so desperately need even though your not even happy...or its not enhancing your life in anyway...its just this constant...muck...heaviness...I can only describe in that sort of way. And, when you feel so lonely in it...and your always cheering on the other person, praying for them...just wanting them to be happy...but...you forget...you...and when you want to lean on someone you fall...and fall HARD. That is when you find and know this isn't right...this doesn't feel good anymore...And when it comes down to "that issue" of not being the thing he wants...its almost laughable because...This is why??!! Because of that! Well I can't do that...I can't be that...I will not. Finally, I am doing the loving thing for myself...that I have ignored for so long...And I have to except responsibly on why I brought all of that in my life. Why did I feel I wasn't worthy of being truly Loved. Why do I not feel worthy of it. Why am I so scared by it. It may be an inconvenient truth...but these are questions I must ask myself to move on and be better for it...not bitter...I don't want to be scared any more. I know I can love fully and deeply but its gotta start inside me...not outside...and when we get caught up in the other person...again...it distracts us from the truth of the matter.
I honestly don't look at those past four years together as a waste of time...and I only have love in my heart for him at this moment. Because, through it all I honor the essential part of him and its a beautiful thing to see. Love never ends... it never stops...I just don't have to hold on anymore to do that...I don't have to be in the muck. Why stop the flow of Love? Even though its not a relationship on the physical plane anymore... To end something to get back to your own happiness is a relationship on a higher vibrating plane. Peace and Love.

I Blog Therefore I AM...

So...Not being very cyberspace inclined in the past this whole blog thing is...I don't know...daunting, maybe? I mean I didn't know what a blog was exactly a couple months ago. But I am always up for something new and trying new things. My friend helped me get set up...but I have to admit I don't "put myself out there" all too often. What I mean is journaling online seems strange to me because I can be a very private person. However, life has changed, I have changed...Heck! Life is change and I really have nothing to hide...Well...Let me take that back...Geesh, this girl's gotta have some mystery.
Moving on...Let's see...about 3 months ago I was laid off from my job and my relationship of almost four years ended suddenly. Both blessings in disguise. The being laid off from a soul sucking, exhausting corporate job was the sweetest relief. Health benefits, an awesome salary+bonus, company car, great 401K, etc...mean absolutely nothing if you it doesn't feel right...ya know!..I mean to the average person yeah looks great...but c'mon...when it comes to all that I am NOT your average person anymore. Trusting what your soul really wants...Trusting what makes your heart soar...knowing that everything will be just fine if you step in the direction of your heart's desire is something I never want to ignore again. EVER. But I had to go through what I did to figure that out. It all makes sense...that is why anything considered "BAD" that has happened in my life is such an awesome blessing...It would have never brought me right here, RIGHT NOW...knowing what I know. Granted I gotta a lot to learn...but thank God for these lessons. Sometimes you have had to experienced the deepest of pain...sometimes you have to delve in the darkest parts of your soul...To experience the greatest of Joys...To experience God's Grace. I capitalize Grace because it is everywhere...All you have to do is look...Look around...Its everywhere! I just want to scream it! Peace and Love to All.