Nakedness

"My life is like a stroll on the beach…as near to the edge as I can go."

(Thoreau)

Naked. Living without life's pretenses. Living who you are, in every moment, truthfully ... and, being okay with it. Ha. Being more than okay with it. Loving it. Fully and completely.

Experiencing what I'm NOT on almost every level, has really gotten me touch with who I am. It's never been easy, and actually the excavation process has often been painful. There have been times I've been forced to let go, there have been times I let go on my own accord. In both instances, everything happened when I was ready. Sometimes you need a push, sometimes you shove, a delicate balance, and ultimately it comes down to surrendering to the force and intelligence behind everything.

Now, I've come to a place where I see the beauty, and fear in standing naked in every moment and encounter. Naked, meaning, not hiding behind, external labels, status symbols, or defenses. Including, past pains, hurts and/or judgments. Can I look to each moment with the clarity and innocence of a child? Can I be vulnerable, and truthful with ALL of my feelings, and not be ashamed for the 'supposed' repercussions for it? I ask myself this.

It's amazing how we get comfortable hiding in the dark. Hiding behind all that inflates our false reality. Our false perception. Our false identity. We may continue to feed the falseness, but no amount of numbing will help heal the emptiness that is felt in this space. Thank God for living, and learning ... for living, and learning, and learning ... and living, and learning. It's a constant process, never ending.

Hopefully, as I move through life the learning process will become an upward spiral. Coming full circle, to end where I started, to now have a broader perspective, a new set of eyes, a new found clarity.

Being naked is looking at things for what they are. No more, no less. Can I look beyond the 'story' and see what is truly real? Can I look beyond what I think needs to happen? Can I look beyond how I feel things should be?

Ultimately, can I stand in the present moment, and just be there in all my stripped down glory, and smile with what is?

I've been asked, why do you do what you do? Feel the way you do? Done what you have done?

Some days, I don't have an answer. Some days, I often ask myself the same thing, but it's come to the point where I can NOT do what I do, because I'm haunted by it, I'm enthralled and burned to the core from the inside out, and once there is a taste, one can never go back. The calling is always there it is all in the matter of when we choose to listen.

Pick Up a Coin

Let's try an experiment. Pick up a coin. Imagine that it represents the object which you are grasping. Hold it tightly, clutched in your fist and extend your arm, with the palm of your hand facing the ground. Now if you let go or relax your grip, you will lose what you are clinging onto. That's why you hold on.

But there's another possibility. You can let go and yet keep hold of it. With your arm still outstretched, turn your hand over so that it faces the sky. Release your hand and the coin still rests on your open palm. You let go. And the coin is still yours, even with all this space around it.

So there is a way in which we can accept impermanence and still relish life, at one and the same time, without grasping.

~ Sogyal Rinpoche

Illusions

So it was that he went into the countryside the people following began to call him Messiah, and worker of miracles; and as they believed, it was so. If a storm passed as he spoke, not a raindrop touched a listener's head; the last of the multitude heard his words as clearly as the first, no matter lightning nor thunder in the sky about. And always he spoke to them in parables.

And he said unto them, "Within each one of us lies the power of consent to health and to sickness, to riches and to poverty, to freedom and to slavery, It is we who control these, and not another."

A mill-man spoke and said, "Easy words for you Master, for you are guided as we are not, and need not toil as we toil. A man has to work for his living in this world."

The Master answered and said:

"Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. The current of the river swept silently over them all - young and old, rich and poor, good and evil, the current going it's own way, knowing only its own crystal self. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learnt from birth.

But one creature said at last, I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging I shall die of boredom.'

The other creatures laughed and said, 'Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!' But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.

Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, 'See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!'

And the one carried in the current said, ' I am no more Messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.' But they cried the more, 'Saviour!' all the while clinging to the rocks, and when they looked again he was gone, and they were left alone making legends of a Saviour."

~ excerpt from Illusions, by Richard Bach

Surrender

A person looks, The blossoms look back: Plain heart seeing into plain heart.

~Sun Bu-er

Teaching yoga, many times, is a humbling experience. Well, most of the time it is...wait... I take that back...I don't think there's ever a time when I don't feel completely humbled and inspired by students...with all their effort and insight. Its exciting to observe the transformation process. Witnessing the expansion and opening of their hearts is extraordinary.

Yoga takes one deep...if willing. When facilitating a class, I enjoy keeping the rhythm and pace of the practice going....taking the mind out of the experience. Getting practitioners to empty out the head space and enter into the portal of the body, and into the heart is easier when maintaining the pulse and tempo. For many, its a new way to exist in reality. Its a whole new way of being. Not really something that is expressed readily in our culture. Interesting. I have struggles with this from time to time. When reminding students, it becomes a reminder to myself...

Today I had a student come up to me and tell me she had something to share regarding her practice. I was bit apprehensive at first...you know we all have insecurities as teachers at times...not sure what will be expressed. One reason I felt this way was because she was one of the students who never really had much to say before or after class...which is fine...and many times when cuing she would do her own thing from time to time. I let go of that, but I often wondered if she enjoyed the practice. However, she had continued to show up, and in the beginning I like to give practitioners space to explore and be as much as possible. Anyway, she went on to tell me that when sitting in Padmasana...breathing our last 10 conscious breaths, she felt a strong connection to a greater energy...a bigger energy than herself...and she told me that she had the awareness that thoughts were meaningless. Just from observing her while she talked I saw an openness...a blossoming that I hadn't seen before. I've always felt the last 3 postures in finishing sequence to be some of the richest...and I enjoy breathing and counting with the class during the 10 breaths to assist in keeping everyone present. I continued to listen to her expressing this new found awareness...not putting my 2 cents in...for why should I? Why should I put my own identifications on her...tarnishing her own experience and opening.

To listen to a student's experience such as this is special. More so than one being able to finally jump through...or to complete a bind in Mari D, or Suptakonosana. When a practitioner immerses themselves into Tristana, and surrenders to it...wow...what beauty shines through!

Surrender has been a big theme for me in the last several months. Recently, I was talking to a former student, who has become a mentor...for she's over twice my age and has such rich life experience. She was telling me that it doesn't matter...to what or to who...just allow yourself to surrender...surrender...surrender! She went on saying that if she could sum up the writings of the Bhagavad Gita into one word...it would be SURRENDER. Ahhhh. Yes.

Its a challenge at times...surrender. But when we finally stop resisting, and loosen our grip...grace can finally flow.

Lakshmi, Goddess of Love & Beauty

Trust the divine power, and she will free the godlike elements in you, and shape all into an expression of divine nature.

~Sri Aurobindo

I've deeply grown to admire the qualities of the Goddess Lakshmi. When initially having an interest in Hindu philosphy, and passionately devouring the practice of Ashtanga yoga I naturally gravitated toward the characteristics and power of Shiva. Always desiring the appearance of strength and self-sufficiency of course that would have been my first choice. Constantly reinventing myself, and switching gears, change...the way I viewed it or desired it, was something I welcomed. Now, however, coming to a place of softening, and release, honoring my feminine energy has come to the forefront. Being fiercely independent before...not wanting to ever rely on anyone or anybody I've learned the importance of surrender, compassion, and the beauty of community. There's been a letting go of the fear appearing weak, and the realization that its okay to lean on others in times of need. I've had to learn willingness, and that an openness with one's feelings and emotions are not a sign of weakness...but a sign of strength. Its the holding on...the locking up...the resistance that block of the flow...When sitting in THAT space...the inner light shines through with no effort. Simply beautiful.

Practice Notes:

Digesting these qualities brings new energy and vitality to the practice. This morning, took my time to feel every movement...no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Amazingly, with all the conscious internal surrender proceeding in my day to day life, backbending has never felt this good in a long time. After my last drop back, when walking the hands in toward the feet for a final 5 breaths...I wanted to linger there...




Laskshmi's Characteristics: Goddess of prosperity, wealth, purity and generosity. The embodiment of beauty, intelligence, grace and charm. The manifestation of strength, peace and balance. The paragon of opulence, wisdom and auspiciousness. The Goddess of light and good fortune. The essence of prosperity, both material and spiritual.

The Goddess of Flow.

Female energy of the Supreme Being.

Consort and creative energy of Vishnu.

Portrayed as a beautiful lady with golden complexion, dressed in red attire and adorned with jewels. Lakshmi has four hands representing the four ends of life, Karma (desires), Artha (wealth), Dharma (righteousness), and Moksha (liberation). Holds a lotus bud in two hands, which stands for beauty, purity, spirituality and fertility. She sits on a fully blossomed lotus, a seat of Divine Truth.

Two elephants shown standing next to her denotes that ceaseless effort, in accordance with one's dharma, when governed by wisdom and purity, leads to both material and spiritual prosperity.

An aura of Divine happiness, mental, and spiritual satisfaction and prosperity always exists around her.

Resides in a place where virtue, righteousness, truth and compassion prevail.




Mantra: Om Sri Maha Lakshmyai Namah

Knowing, Doing

The sufi opens his hands to the universe
and gives away each instant, free.
Unlike someone who begs on the street for money to survive,
a dervish begs to give you his life.

~Rumi, Furuzanfar #686, Rubaiyat

The boy friend, from Mexico, has been going through a very challenging time. I've never been close to someone who literally was fighting for their life on a level very different from a physical disease.

He tells me how special I am...that I have everything...he tells me I'm an angel, and that I'm one of the few he can trust. But, it doesn't make me feel good to hear...it makes me sad. Because behind the words...even though sincere...he doesn't believe he is worthy of embodying any of those attributes. That is what breaks my heart. I have never met someone with so much potential, and yet have no awareness of it... that doesn't believe within that he is truly worthy of greatness, and peace. I wish there was something I could do, but in reality, all I can be is present, and available for support. He asked me to simply pray for him, because he's scared...and wow, that is scary for me, because when someone asks you to pray, they must really need it...and its all I can really do at this point. Its all out of my hands...I have no control. Yes, I may have thought at one point I did...but, alas, was proven wrong...rightfully.

I admire his honesty regarding what he's feeling. Not many are able to do that...and that gives me hope.


This has been a huge lesson. I have had to learn to release all control. I have had to learn that loving is about letting go. I've had to learn that you simply have to give space, and allow others to find themselves....because no matter how hard you try to make someone see...it isn't gonna happen unless on their own accord. Sometimes I wish I could take away the pain of others...but I've had to learn that it is not necessary for me to carry the weight.

With anything, there is always hope. And, I can be a better friend and support when I take myself out of the equation...and, offer up unwavering support, openness, and transparency to another in need.

But, truthfully...I worry, and I'm scared...Knowing is one thing...Doing is another...

Don't Fear...

Practice this morning...whoa...how funny...I feel like its beginning to be a bit of a marathon session. Sharath...when adjusting me in backbending told me "don't fear"...Yeah...he's on to something...he's on to me...how in the heck does he now...Because I'll admit there has been a little bit of worry that has popped up...I'm only human...right? Here I am again...surrender...surrender...surrender...my new mantra...
So...yeah...there is some big shifting going on...not only in my body...but in my mind...and the power that resides there...we can manifest great things. My spine has been more sore than its ever been in my life...and its not a bad painful sore...its the type of sore where things are moving...expanding. Heck! Maybe I'll grow an inch or two? Wouldn't that be nice...Peace.

Never Give Up

Never Give Up

No matter what is going on
Never give up
Develop the heart
Too much energy in your country
is spent developing the mind
instead of the heart
Develop the heart
Be compassionate
Work for peace
in your heart and in the world
Work for peace
and I say again
Never give up
No matter what is happening
No matter what is going on around you
Never give up

...H.H. The XIV Dalai Lama

Yesterday during morning practice Sharath adjusted me in backbending...and moved my hands up toward my calfs...by some miracle I was able to hold it on my own and then stand up by
myself without assistance. For the first time Sharath said "very good" to me...that doesn't happen very often. But then...he said "tomorrow...reach for your thighs." I almost choked...Is he serious? So of course...it was in the back of my mind all day...how in the heck...is that gonna happen? Ya know...cause this is what I do...I question.
So...this morning...I was like maybe he'll forget...or better yet maybe he'll be at the other end of the room as I quickly go through the backbending sequence on my own. Ohhhh...but no...like a Jedi knight he was right there in front of me when I stood up out of my backbend...ready...and willing to take me to the next step...I was so nervous that he had to tell me to relax...and wow...what a learning experience about letting go. Because part of me still wanted to hold on to only what's known...and not delve in the unknown...and we doubt...and we pull back...and have a challenging time trusting. At least that has been my experience...like one wise person told me once months ago..."Laruga...your like a caged gazelle that no longer needs to be...its time for you bust out." I think I'm ready...Peace.

Lessons

"Personality and personal identity are in some ways like co-ordinates on the street map drawn by our interesting relationships. We know who we are and we define what we are by references to the people we love and our reasons for loving them."
-excerpt from Shantaram, by Gregory David Roberts

Woke up this morning, after a short stint at sleeping, to walk to the shala with a dreary mist blowing in my face...it being unseasonably cool...I shivered not from the cold but of the thought...am I back in Ohio and is it October? Yikes! Funny, because the weather kind of matched my mood...I was feeling down...that meditation last night shook some more crap up to the surface...I thought I was fine last night...guess not. However, once inside the shala my mood lifted momentarily...yes!..the favorite part of my day. I did a bit of maneuvering though...I got out of my usual spot and found some place new...you never want to be too comfortable...I wanted to change my perspective. But, I was next to this guy who kept knocking his arms into me and his legs would be all up on my mat...when my practice was done I thought to myself...did I just get beat up by this dude? Funny thing is...he had no awareness of it...I guess I'm more amused by it than pissed off. What can ya do.
Sharath came up to me while I was back-bending and said..."Krounchasana"...in a authoritative but kind way. I think I was more happy about doing krounchasna than getting another posture...because its one of my all time favorite asanas (c'mon we all have our favorites).
During backbending he helped me reach for my ankles again...but this time he let go for a moment so I could stand on my own...I rooted strongly through my legs and my spine popped all the way up through my upper back. YES! That felt awesome. My upper back never pops. I think I just grew a couple inches after that...if felt so good.
So...after practice and breakfast...I headed over to Kumar's early, since I agreed to be an example for his massage students, just to debrief over some of the stuff I'd been feeling. I mean...this meditation is intense...but I'm also doing a fairly intense yoga practice too...so I had questions. I told him I was feeling a bit agitated...and that doubt...that doubt is creeping up again...something I experienced several months ago. He simply told me that this is a good time for me to be totally aware of what I am feeling...take a look at it...so I can grow from it. I looked at him like...riiiight...that sounds like fun. But seriously, this is good stuff...
In my heart...I know what this is...and it scares the shit out of me quite frankly. Its about taking the next step...no holding back...just taking it. Living my truth...not talking about it...but living it...not saying I'll do it...but really doing it...and there is responsibility in that...my awareness has expanded but now its time to grow into it. Its time...and I feel it so strong...but then...why do I doubt myself in the same process? That's what I have to examine...
I remember trying to live up to some standard...that was so false for me and slowly ate away at my soul. And, this past year has been so representative of that...so many changes. I remember it so clearly last October...when I had this whispering in my ear saying...your life is about to change...like it or not...it was almost like this force...Then a month and a half later everything set into motion...first, my long-term relationship ended...I lost my corporate job...and I remember it as clear as day as I was driving to my friend's house...there was that whispering again...it said go to India. So, months later when my passport & visa were stolen just a week and a half before my trip...I felt really defeated...like why? I told a trusted friend and mentor...I lost my identity...and she placed both hands on my shoulders and said..."yes you did...and what does that mean?" At the time I wasn't sure if I needed to hear those wise words...but because I respected her so I knew exactly what she meant. It was symbolic for me to start...to start on the path of relying on something much more real than what we build in a material sense...and I thank God for that lesson...as hard as it is...and I thank God for all those who've guided me and supported me on this journey. Peace.

Lead Primary with Guruji

How amazing is it when we release expectations finding the good in any given situation...and to be thankful for it...when that happens...things have a funny way of getting better and better...just being in that space of gratitude. This morning, for lead primary, Guruji came down to class for the first time ever since taking ill. He walked in the room...unassisted...walking on his own...to take his place at the front of the room...and he looked so good...he looked so healthy...and I was standing there like...Whoaaa...he's here. I mean, I knew going in...before my trip to India that there was a chance that I may never get a chance to take class from Guruji...because things were so uncertain. But...he was there...and I felt so thankful to be in his presence...and I couldn't have been happier. Why do I love this man so? What is it? I was thinking...geesh...this trip keeps getting better and better...what's next? Will I become enlightened? Just Kidding...

Well...what comes next came very unexpected. During savasana...I broke down...seriously...I had to bite my lip not to start sobbing. The whole time I was lying there like...what is wrong with me?? Literally...I laid there feeling overwhelmed by my emotions. So...I'm not going to go into detail about why...how...or what. All I can say is that whatever was gripping in my back for the past week and a half...LET GO...Peace.