"And the day came, when the risk to remain in a tight bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

~Anais Nin


Getting back to the topic of yoga...I'm back to practicing on my own...no teacher...just me, my mat, and four walls...and sometimes a little space heater because the mornings can be a bit chilly in Columbus, Ohio. I miss having a teacher...having the guidance...the inspiration. But, something else definitely begins to manifest when practicing on one's own. It takes a different type of inner strength and tenacity that can be more challenging to maintain when making it to a class everyday. So...I'm welcoming this new routine of mine...and observing what it will bring. Most days I'm still getting up before dawn to practice. After my four months in Mysore I am a full fledged morning practitioner. Nothing starts the day of better. Nothing!! Who needs coffee when you got a two hour Ashtanga yoga session under your belt!
Also, I must say...my practice has taken on a whole new form and evolution. Its almost like something has integrated after practicing at AYRI. Its truly amazing. I heard some talk of this, but I truly didn't know what to make of it. Now, I feel it...now I know it...and its unexplainable. When the essence of the practice starts to develop with in one's self it all takes on a whole new meaning and wonder...and I am so deeply humbled by it I don't even know where to begin...

"It's just a ride and we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one."

-Bill Hicks

"If my hands are fully occupied in holding on to something, I can neither give nor receive."
~Dorothee Solle

"Generally speaking, we regard discomfort in any form as bad news. But for practitioners or spiritual warriors--people who have a certain hunger to know what is true--feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we're holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we'd rather collapse and back away. They're like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it's with us wherever we are."
(excerpt from When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron)


It's funny...when you ask the universe, it always answers. And, sometimes I wish I could take it back because it gets to be pretty darn challenging. A while back I made mention that I wanted to face my every fear and stare it in the face. So...now I'm kicking myself...ha! Why in the world did I ask for that? I'm weird, I know...
In a culture where what you 'do' and what you 'have' are the priorities and a way of life I feel a bit of a misfit because I can't stomach that anymore. When I 'had' and was 'doing' I never felt truly authentic when working from the outside in. Yeah...I tried to play the game but I didn't play it very well. I'm not good at it. I've always been the irritating person who questions everything...well what about this?...and what about that? I bring up the shit that nobody wants to look at...and its gotten me in trouble one too many times. What's that quote again? Something about well behaved women never make history...maybe I'm on to something. But believe me I'm not into the rebel without a cause thing either. There has to be substance behind going against the status quo.
So...with all that being said...I honestly have no idea where this blog is going today...ha! I'm truly on the verge of starting over. Once again. I'm back to square one. I had a good friend of mine tell me that very few people have the chance to start over...so I should look at this as a good time in my life and embrace it. I'm doing the best I can. I'm trying to focus on the positive and feel my way through...working from the inside out...We'll see what happens.

Transparency

"So the next time you encounter fear, consider yourself lucky. This is where the courage comes in. Usually we think that brave people have no fear. The truth is that they are intimate with fear."

(excerpt from When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron)


A while back I was criticized by a former mentor of mine about how open I was in my blog during my trip to India. At first I was taken a back and started to question if maybe it isn't such a good idea to be so open and honest about one's personal experience and feelings. Especially on the wave of many emotions that evoke from such a deep and challenging practice...and the process that one goes through at AYRI.
But then...I wised up...and was like that's absolutely ridiculous...I'm not saying its for everyone to blog about personal experience, but I don't agree with what I was told...and right now I'm tried of 'fronts'...I don't feel the need to hide behind anything anymore. This is coming from someone who has always been very private and many times closed...and I'm proud of myself for letting go and letting loose and being honest about my fears and my doubts...and open to share my triumphs and breakthroughs.
There have been many times in my life where I felt I was alone in my experience and I would tuck it away acting as if it wasn't part of the fabric of my life. But that doesn't serve me anymore. Because when you peel the layers and come closer to your true self it doesn't matter. Why not be transparent? Why not be honest and stand in your truth? That's why I'm here. Isn't that why we're all here?...To shine and stand in the beauty of who we are with all our perfect imperfections. Without knowing and connecting to our truth...how can we be truly happy? I dunno...just a thought...

"When we think that something is going to bring us pleasure, we don't know what's really going to happen. When we think something is going to give us misery, we don't know. Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. We try to do what we think is going to help. But we don't know. We never know if we're going to fall flat or sit up tall. When there's a big disappointment, we don't know if that's the end of the story. It may be just the beginning of a great adventure."

(excerpt from When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron)

Trying to walk through it...

"...It's not a terrible thing that we feel fear when faced with the unknown. It is part of being alive, something we all share. We react against the possibility of loneliness, of death, of not having anything to hold on to. Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.
If we commit ourselves to staying right where we are, then our experience becomes very vivid. Things become very clear when there is nowhere to escape."

~Pema Chodron

Yeah...I'm going through a transition in my life...and damn it!! Its challenging...its hard and part of me wants to just make everything I'm feeling go away. But, like someone once told me..."Laruga...just walk through it." Why can't it be easy? So...I'm doing my best to feel it...and damn it...walk through it.
I've never really been the type to overindulge in alcohol or experiment with drugs...I don't overeat...I love to shop...but I'm over that some how. I mean...when I came back from India somehow I got amnesia or something and was amazed at how many shoes I had...and I'm like what more could I want? So...there really is no escape for me and what I'm feeling...and in reality why run...There is nothing right now to distract me from that emptiness I feel...But! Its okay to feel empty, because I can fill it with some really good stuff. The real stuff...not the meaningless stuff that is just what it is...meaningless.
Its just strange...so many things were ripped open from my trip...so much just exploded inside of me and I feel fragmented somehow...like I'm scattered into a million pieces...and as painful as that is...I have to look at the positive side and take this opportunity to build and put myself together anew...because with growth...come the growing pains...and I have faith I'll be better for it. Because the old way of being, doing, having aren't serving me any longer...and I can't physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually back track...its not even possible. So...I must move forward as scary as it feels and is...
On another note...I got word several days ago that my boyfriend was in a motor-bike accident in Thailand...Thank God he's gonna be okay...It all goes back to how precious life can be...and how to never take anyone for granted. Coming from someone who has been so open and honest about how he feels...no holding back...you've taught me that well...oh so well...that lesson...you can't forget those who touch you deeply...and its important to let them know...no matter how corny you think its gonna sound...And, for once its so funny how things work out...I got it...because its not the things that we do that we most regret...but the things that we don't do...And those tiny acts of kindness and service we can offer others...we don't need an audience to congratulate what we've done...because the eyes of the universe always know...and the internal rewards that come are bountiful. That's another great little lesson I've taken from from you...geesh...you're amazing...I'm moved by your awareness...I'm moved by your strength.

"If we do a little of one kind of practice and a little of another, the work we have done in one often doesn't continue to build as we change to the next. It is as if we were to dig many shallow wells instead of one deep one. In continually moving from one approach to another, we are never forced to face our own boredom, impatience, and fears. We are never brought face to face with ourselves. So we need to choose a way of practice that is deep and ancient and connected with our hearts, and then make a commitment to follow it as long as it takes to transform ourselves. This is the outward aspect of taking the one seat. Once we have made the outward choice among the many paths available and have begun a systematic practice, we often find ourselves assailed from within by doubts and fears, by all the feelings that we have never dared experience. Eventually all of the dammed-up pain of a lifetime will arise. Once we have chosen a practice, we must have the courage and the determination to stick with it and use it in the face of all our difficulties. This is the inward aspect of taking the one seat."

(excerpt from Path with Heart, by Jack Kornfield)

Some people work to become wealthy.
Others do the same and remain poor.
Marriage fills one with energy.
Another it drains.
Don't trust ways, they change.
A means flails about like a donkey's tail.
Always add the gratitude clause
To any sentence, if God wills, then go...
~Rumi

"Yoga is the union that occurs with the discovery of our true self and the knowledge of our true nature. Yoga is the union with that which is truth for the whole universe, and that union gives peace. Yoga is a way to understand our place within creation and guides us to act without harming others or causing pain to ourselves." ~Baba Hari Dass

I admit...I have been totally hiding out since coming back home...I'm not sure what it is exactly. For one thing, I've been getting my body back into balance...which four months in India did a good job with...but one month in Thailand almost undid all of it. I'm back to eating predominately raw foods and I couldn't feel better. Don't worry, I'm not gonna preach the wonders of a raw food diet...it just works for me...like magic...like nothing else.
Right now, I'm going through a pretty big transition...and I'm doing my best to absorb it all...that's probably why I haven't felt inclined to blog all that much. There are so many emotions running through me...I dunno...I've stopped searching for answers...I have faith they will come in time.
I miss my boyfriend who is still in Thailand at the moment...and he is truly something special...but I won't be blogging much about him because somethings need to be kept close to the heart...I miss India...but I know I'll be back...I miss the friends I made...but it was time to move on...
Its times like these that instead of running away or trying not to feel...I sit with it...and continue my daily practice...its like my best friend...that never fails me...is always truthful...and is always there...

The best-adjusted person in our society is the person who is not dead and not alive, just numb, a zombie. When you are dead you're not able to do the work of the society. When you are fully alive you are constantly saying "No" to many of the processes of society, the racism, the polluted environment, the nuclear threat, the arms race, drinking unsafe water and eating carcinogenic foods. Thus it is in the interests of our society to promote those things that take the edge off, keep us busy with our fixes, and keep us slightly numbed out and zombie-like. In this way our modern consumer society itself functions as an addict.

-Anne Wilson Schaef

To love fully and live well requires us to recognize finally that we do no possess or own anything--our homes, our cars, our loved ones, not even our own body. Spiritual joy and wisdom do not come through possession but rather through our capacity to open, to love more fully, and to move and be free in life. (A Path with Heart, by Jack Kornfield)

So...after rummaging through my storage unit I came across one of my favorite books...and I feel compelled to read it again...even though I have numerous pages flagged and marked...and yeah! I'm a big old sap...I'm not afraid to admit it...but I think that's why I've carried much pain in my life...because I do...I put my heart into everything I do...and sometimes I've been taken advantage of...and sometimes I've been taken for granted...but I don't regret...because at least I put my heart in soul into it...and I'll keep doing it...no matter if I get burned or not...because that's not the point...it goes back to my intention and as long as that is in alignment...who cares about the rest...

Back to Basics

So...I'll be explaining later...But truly...Its time for me to get back to basics...Down to the bare bones. You know I never realized how wound up our culture was until I went to India...or even how wound up I was...or was it too much Starbucks?...Anyways, its been an interesting adjustment since being back and its almost been shocking to the system...everything just hasn't registered yet...but when it does...and my feet are yet again firmly planted on the ground...I'll be adding more of my thoughts...If you dare to go down that road with me...Ha! Brave souls...

This song is dedicated to the one who taught me not only to trust in others but to most importantly trust in myself...I love you and I thank you...You've have shown what's true...You've shown me what's real...

"Forbidden Love"

Just one kiss on my lips
Was all it took to seal the future
Just one look from your eyes
Was like a certain kind of torture

Once upon a time
There was a boy
There was a girl

Just one touch from your hands
Was all it took to make me falter

Forbidden love
Are we supposed to be together
Forbidden love
Forbidden love
We seal the destiny forever
Forbidden love
Forbidden love

Just one smile on your face
Was all it took to change my fortune
Just one word form your month
Was all I needed to be certain

Once upon a time
There was a boy
There was a girl
Hearts that intertwine
They lived in a different kind of world

(Chorus)

Just one kiss
Just one touch
Just one look

(Chorus)

Just one kiss
Just one touch
Just one look
Just one love

(by Madonna~from Confessions on a Dance Floor, 2005)

Still,
What I want in my life is to be willing to be dazzled.
To cast aside the weight of facts, and even to float a little above this difficult world. I want to believe that the imperfections are nothing, that the light is everything. I want to believe I am looking into the white fire of a great mystery.
And I do.

~Mary Oliver

Chicken Island

Who can tell what miracles
Love has in store for us
If only we had the courage
To become one with it?
Everything we think we know now
Is only the beginning
Of another knowing that itself has no end.
And everything we now can accomplish
Will seem derisory to us
When the powers of our divine nature
Flower in glory and act through us.

~Iqbal

"It is only with total humility, and in absolute stillness of mind that we can know what indeed we are."

The Tenth Man, by Wei Wu Wei

"In the Moral World we again find the same law; we speak of good and evil, but Good is a reality, something tangible, while Evil is found to be simply a negative condition, the absence of Good. Evil is sometimes thought to be a very real condition, but it has no principle, no vitality, no life; we know this because it can always be destroyed by Good; just as Truth destroys Error and light destroys darkness, so Evil vanishes when Good appears; there is therefore but one principle in the Moral World."

The Master Key System~by Charles F. Haanel

Koh Pi Pi Leah~Maya 'The Beach' Bay

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds..."
~Albert Einstein

The Reclining Buddha

Again and again I have emphasized that the process of spiritual growth is an effortful and difficult one. This is because it is conducted against a natural inclination to keep things the way they were, to cling to the old maps and old ways of doing things, to take the easy path...
As in the case of physical evolution, the miracle is that this resistance is overcome. We do grow. Despite all that resists the process, we do become better human beings. Not all of us. Not easily. But in significant numbers humans somehow manage to improve themselves and their cultures. There is a force that somehow puses us to choose the more difficult path whereby we can transcend the mire and muck into which we are so often born.

The Road Less Traveled~By M. Scott Peck

Railay Beach~Krabi, Thailand

"Be fearless and pure; never waver in your determination or your dedication to the spiritual life. Give freely. Be self-controlled, sincere, truthful, loving, and full of the desire to serve. Realize the truth of the scriptures; learn to be detached and to take joy in renunciation. Do not get angry or harm any living creature, but be compassionate and gentle; show good will to all. Cultivate vigor, patience, will, purity; avoid malice and pride. Then, Arjuna, you will achieve your divine destiny."

~The Bhagavad Gita 16:1-3

Just a Thought...

"If you advance confidently in the direction of your dreams, and endeavor to live the life you have imagined, you will meet with the success unexpected in common hours. You will pass an invisible boundary...If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. "

Now put the foundation under them.

~Henry David Thoreau

Life is funny...its so interesting how one's perspective can change and expand just stepping out of the environment that had become so comfortable and safe...to then step out of it and then to come back into it...how everything changes...and looks different. I highly recommend it. Because often times we don't see things as clearly until we step out of it. Make sense?
And, the amazing thing is how that changes your relationships with some you thought had your best interest at heart...and on the flip side how others step up to the plate because they get it. They don't ever want to see your wings clipped and aren't intimidated by how high you can fly. Because when we allow others to do so...and are open to it...it only helps and expand the greater whole! That is why I am still gonna continue on the path...even though it has come with some disappointments...but then how can that be?..because it must mean there's something better on the horizon...and to continue to surround myself with others who uplift me...inspire me...who are more evolved than me...and help push me to go to those places that can only get me in touch with my higher self.
So on my quest of doing my best to focus on what's good in a sea of uncertainty...I guess I can't complain. I've got my practice...I've got my experiences that have left me so full of gratitude and love...what else...and yeah...I've got people...friends...who never cease to amaze me...I've must have done something right in a former life to deserve such love and support. I will never forget.
And...to my little someone I took a big risk for...you where completely worth it...more than you'll ever now...and I would do it again if I had the choice. With out a doubt! Because you've shown me what's most important...the simple things...life doesn't have to be complicated...its simple...why is that so hard for some to understand. Its hard to let go of our grip...to surrender...and let our pride go to the waste side. Love to all.

Sunset off the Coast of Krabi, Thailand

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"When you’re in love, make sure you love that person for who they are, not what they do for you, or what you want them to be, or do, or how you want them to make you feel. Love without expectations. Love without worrying so much about the future. It feels really good that way. And love all the people around you out of compassion. Love people who don’t know better. Love even people who are not nice to others, because those people are probably in pain. Find a way to fill yourself up and feel secure enough to open your heart. That’s when the good stuff happens. Love makes the world revolve. Put it out there and it comes back to you. And it feels nice."

~Sarma Meingailis (Author of Raw Food Real World)


I want to take a time to give thanks...even though I feel a bit scared and uncertain about what the future holds for me after my 5 month hiatus of yoga, travel, and self-discovery. Its funny how I get bold with myself and want to face every fear I have and tackle it head on...but when it comes...all I want to do is run and hide...at least I can laugh at myself. I guess I'm not as tough as I thought...ha!

But seriously, there is something I took from my trip that came on so unexpected...and that's a lesson in love. This is coming from someone who has often felt unlucky in this arena...and to be given a true lesson on what it all means is something I will hold dear to my heart. Even though I'm back home and broke...the experiences and lessons that have come my way make it all worthwhile. Yes! For once I took a risk. I exposed myself...opened up as best I could...and was shown what love is...and I'm not talking about roses and chocolates...I'm talking about more than that...I'm talking about being a channel of it...and damn, finally giving in to the fact that I deserve it for once in my life. That's huge.

So...as I sit back in Columbus, Ohio...scheming my next escape plan...just kidding!!! (wink, wink). I feel bittersweet. But, if I'm able to piece this one together...there will be hope for me yet! God Bless.

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