Truth

While you live, practice meditation. Do not meditate only hidden in a dark corner, but meditate always, standing, sitting, moving, and resting. When your meditation continues throughout waking and sleeping, wherever you are is heaven itself.

~Hakuin

Out of sincere earnest I remember setting the intention...asking the higher power to teach me...to show me...give me a taste of being...I wanted to know It's true essence on the inside. I desired the opportunity to taste it, smell it, feel it, hear it, Know it. After all... that's what we are after in our daily practice...right? Or is it to look good physically and have a nice yoga butt? Let's be honest with ourselves. What is the purpose?

Anyways...

A friend of mine told me recently...Be careful what you ask for because more times than not...you're gonna get it. And I did. I wanted everything that has happened to me...to happen. Even the stuff that I don't mention in my blog...or I hate to say it...but don't tell even to my friends. There are parts I can't even share. I'm like one those gift boxes that have a box with in a box...with in a box...within a box...within a...ok...you get the point. It takes a while to crack this nut. Strange...but true. I contemplate alot...I have so many questions...sooo many...and many times I wonder if I will ever fit into the matrix of conventional life. I mean, I can smile and act as if I do. But, seriously...

Getting back to what I asked for. Well...I asked to be shown the Truth...and I was...but then I resisted...a part of me resisted like you wouldn't believe...and that is where suffering comes in.
Hey, I'm not afraid to admit it.

I vividly remember when I finally got a hold of my sister while I was in Mexico...and she was crying...she told me she thought I was dead. I felt horrible. But, its strange, at the time I wanted to disappear...not with anyone...nope...just me...I just felt...I wished I could just disappear...not caring if I anyone remembered me or not...just poof...into the abyss of nothingness felt more at home to me than being there at that moment. True.

I've been to extremely dark places internally...I have fought tooth and nail with myself... I've loved...exaimed...hated...detested...made peace with...accepted...criticized...many things on the inside...and have gone to many, many dark places.

I'm not painting a sorrowful picture here. Because in the end one must make peace with and have compassion for the dark areas. We ALL have them. Its just a matter of which we choose to feed...the Dark or the Light. In the end...no matter what...the light will win. That I know for sure. However, at the moment, I'm into feeding my Light. I can't allow the other part to consume me. And, anyway what I'm made of in the end can NEVER be tarnished.

Its about thriving...not just surviving...

I wanted to now my Truth...I needed to be stripped bare in every sense of the word to realize the realness of who I am. Yes, I resisted. Yes...I was fearful...look, I'm not that brave...ok. But, in the end all this had to be...for me to BE.

With all the space and emptiness I've acquired...all the nothingness that has come in... all the labels, identifications, material possessions, the desires...the wanting that has ceased...I now have the opportunity to be filled up by something authentically real.

So in any given moment I must decide...Will I resist or will I surrender? Will I judge or will I love? This is what I've been chewing on...






Practice Notes:

Grace descended because the vrttis in the head took a much needed vacation. Hope they went somewhere nice. :)

Well...with that being said, I took my time and enjoyed. Made it up to Urdhhva Kukkutasana A. Taking a step back...I have noticed in some postures, the more difficult ones, I have a tendency to disengage...and go somewhere else mentally. I've noticed this in Kapotasana especially. So, today I consciously made an effort to be present through the entirety of my breath. Interesting observation to say the least. If anything begins to strengthen in my daily practice...let's hope its my awareness first and foremost.

After practice I took an epic walk in and around the surrounding neighborhood and to a local park. When at the park, I was transfixed by a gentleman practicing Tai Chi. You know, I've come to the realization that nothing is more beautiful than someone living, breathing, moving, sitting...whatever...in the present moment. When watching, I felt myself being pulled into the present because he, unaware of me watching, was clearly, 100% in the moment...every movement he became One with. Every step contained beauty. Every turn was powerful, yet soft. Every bend was a symphony. Every twist was complete and whole. Such a sight...a blessing to observe. I learned much by watching him...nothing needed to be said. Nothing.